Parents in law on holiday

[Anxiousmuch]

Every year myself and OH take our young children camping in Cornwall
It's our one holiday and we hope to spend the week on the beach (or in rain at soft play)
Today I've found out his parents have asked him what dates we are there because they want to find somewhere close by and be with us
I want to cry. This is my break and with them around I won't be able to relax. They'll also have completely different expectations of what we'll do and aren't agile enough to go on the beach
Am I unreasonable to expect my partner to say something to them? I'd be happy to do a weekend away with them another time

I’m a MIL.M,stepmum/step Mil /nanny/step nanny, every combination you can think of. I love my adult children, their wives, partners, grandchildren and see the local ones regularly, the overseas ones once a year.
I can’t for the life of me understand why grandparents want to invite themselves to their offsprings precious yearly holiday.
I love my grandchildren dearly , but I’ve done holidays with children and now it’s their turn to have lovely times with their children.
Me? Now I like holidays with my husband and afternoon teas! I’ve no desire to spend a whole week with sandy, overtired little ones- done that !
Just say no politely
Im so glad I gave the sort of relationship with the adult children where they can say thanks but no thanks to me if I say/do something that’s not required.
And like Redmat, it’s nice to be invited to stuff sometimes, which we are often and we have a lovely time - but we never go on the yearly holidays with them.
Of course as always I will add, everyone is different.

Oh Gawd this brings back memories! When my Grandpa and Grandma moved to Paignton. My family booked a caravan there. However Grandma let her feelings be know that we would go out and about most days and not spend it cooped up in her house! Annoyingly too, she decided I should have my privacy and stay in her house rather than in the caravan (boo!). My dad picked me up most days to find Grandma with a face on and when we left she would slam the door! She did eventually apologise and say she was just a silly old woman. She was one for moods and grudges.

We used to go on holiday with our in laws when our children were small. It went relatively ok until we did an all inclusive and they wanted us in a strict regimen! After that I decided no thanks. A few years later they asked to come on a cruise we booked. I told them politely that they were welcome to book it |(couldn't really stop them) but that this was our holiday and we would be doing everything to suit our family. If they wanted to join in that would be great, otherwise we would leave them to it.

My ILs NEVER babysat when we holidayed with them - they seemed terrified at the prospect! I think they felt they had done their child rearing (DH is an only, they are not particularly maternal/paternal). Not all ILs are created equal. We only had a couple of holidays with them and those were never our main holiday - it is ok to want time with your closest family. Just explain that you’ll want to do different things - they may (or may not) listen!

This is the answer.

Thanks for everyone
My OH has gently expressed our concerns about the long days on the beach and the lack of toilets etc. We've made it really clear that this holiday is for the children and we'll be doing the things they love
We've agreed to a weekend away in October somewhere they'll be able to enjoy too and MIL is busy researching where she'd like to go so I feel like that's a win win
If they do change their mind and book somewhere in Cornwall (I can't stop them) at least I won't be feel bad if we continue with our usual activities

That sounds like the best outcome, @Anxiousmuch - I hope you have a lovely holiday.

That’s a shame @RosieApple61. Can you speak to your DS privately and ask him what was wrong? If they didn’t enjoy themselves could be they’re worried you’ll suggest it again. It might help them to know you won’t.

Tricky. How does DH feel? Is it possible he encouraged them to come?

I've been on holiday a lot with my in-laws, they're very hands on with the children and a great help, but I still feel awkward around them. I know I don't meet their expectations but I've also stopped seeking their approval or caring too much what they think of me. Instead I try to see them kindly, and focus on the lovely time my children have with their grandparents, the memories they'll grow up with.

I find it easier if we have our own space, eg a self contained apartment next to theirs or cottages.

Why do you think they will want to do everything with you? They may want to have their own holiday, go sight seeing or for some day-trips, then meet in the evening for a meal out? Or look after children some evenings so you and DH can go out by yourselves?

If they do come, maybe write a plan for your family of the things you've planned to do, like beach trips, and leave some days or afternoons free for doing things together?

Softplay in the rain actually sounds grim, what if it rains all week? Would having 2 extra adults allow you to try some new indoor activities? Explore some local indoor attractions?
We do things like interactive museums, boat trips, butterfly house, touring castles or guided tours of caves. When grandparents come they're often happy to play with the kids indoors for a morning while DH and I explore the places less suited to kids.

Is it possible your DH is getting fed up of only doing beach trips and softplay on the annual holiday?

No apology for the ageism then?

No. The statement was about my PIL and it stands true. They tick every boomer box of always thinking about themselves first.
If you're offended by my opinion that's on you. Boomers got free higher education, final salary pensions and eye watering home equity.
First generation to leave their children poorer and with a worst quality of life.
Just hope as a generation we do better for our children

@Anxiousmuch not everyone from Boomer generation has it easy. So don’t tar everyone with the same brush.

@Anxiousmuch and I assume you will benefit well from them when they die. Will you be moaning about them then

That's a peak boomer attitude.
Absolutely proving my point 😂😂😂
YOU will benefit well from them AKA
"I'm alright jack"

Absolutely not. I don't want their lazily accumulated wealth.

I'd much much prefer that houses be affordable and available for all families than for one or two children inherit a huge amount of "profit" their parents didn't even work to earn.

It's a completely crap way to organise a society and I'm glad young people are getting angry and sick of it.

I hope this labour government does fix housing and if it upped inheritance tax and used it to directly fund more affordable housing I'd very much be in support of it

Even though I don't personally need social housing and I would personally be better off without it

Because I'm not that greedy and I'm not that selfish

Define a boomer?

Oxford English dictionary
noun
INFORMAL
noun: boomer; plural noun: boomers

1. 1.
2. short for baby boomer.
3. "the younger generation have to live with the effects longer than the boomers do"

Haha, guilty as charged Op. However I'm not overly sensitive about generalisations and would never invite myself on my DC's family holidays. YANBU

My parents in law once suggested gatecrashing our holiday, they got told where to go sharpish. They never suggested it again. You just have to be firm and tell them it's not happening.
I wouldn't dream of even suggesting going on my married kids holidays, let alone gatecrashing them.

I hope this labour government does fix housing and if it upped inheritance tax and used it to directly fund more affordable housing I'd very much be in support of it

So would I and I’m a boomer. Actually I’d like it to introduce a wealth tax too because a rise in inheritance tax will hurt your generation, not mine.

@Anxiousmuch why do you describe them as a boomer, surely the attitude is just what your PILs are like (although they have agreed to do what you have discussed so you were wrong in your assumption).

If I’m a boomer I’d flipping like someone to show me my lazily accumulated wealth I must have misplaced it.

It's in your house and your pension
And if you don't have those your fellow boomers have screwed you over too

They are literally boomers
That's their generation
Inviting yourself on a holiday and having to be uninvited is not doing what i wanted 😂

@Anxiousmuch , I’d don’t want to derail your thread and hope you have a lovely holiday in Cornwall.

@Anxiousmuch so if you were born in the boomer time would you have declined free university education and final salary pension (and bearing in mind many people of that generation would not have experienced either)