Page 6 | Parents in law on holiday

Laiste · 08/07/2024 08:17

Mintleafcocktail · 08/07/2024 08:10

We're going away for 4 days in the summer and they've already said they want to come for a night which will be 2 of the 4 days we're there! It's not like they've not been on 3 of their own holidays this year!

Dont tell them! why is everyone talking so much about their exact holiday plans and then getting upset when they try to book? If you stay silent about it they wont know and wont be able to wangle their way in. If they ask if you've booked a holiday be vague and say hmmm not yet, not sure what we are doing etc...

You'd think it would be easy wouldn't you? (it is for me)

But you haven't met my DH. He's like a rabbit in the headlights when someone asks him a question he knows he's meant to be vague about. He opens and closes his mouth like a gold fish and then looks at me 🙄

Mintleafcocktail · 08/07/2024 08:18

But you haven't met my DH. He's like a rabbit in the headlights when someone asks him a question he knows he's meant to be vague about. He opens and closes his mouth like a gold fish and then looks at me 🙄

Ah yeah that is hard. Can you practice with him beforehand? pretend you are one of his parents and get him to role play being vague? 😆

BIossomtoes · 08/07/2024 08:19

FictionalCharacter · 07/07/2024 17:01

Oh @Anxiousmuch . I totally understood your POV and was on your side. Then you had to snipe at "the boomer generation". Why do people do this?

Not just me then. I totally get it - I’d rather eat my own liver than have a holiday with small children. It’s not generational @Anxiousmuch, all boomers are not created alike.

AyrshireTryer · 08/07/2024 08:19

I had twenty years of this. Every holiday, home and away, they were there.
It destroyed my mental health and eventually my relationship.
Hold your ground.

Laiste · 08/07/2024 08:26

@Mintleafcocktail 😅we do mini versions of that. Kind of every year!
18 years on and he's no better. The funny thing is, when PIL crash our holidays the thought/principal of it before hand annoys me more than him and, weirdly, more the actual reality when they're with us. He's the other way around.

Last time he spent most of the drive home gnashing his teeth saying 'I'm NEVER going away with my mother again, that was a nightmare. We mustn't tell them the dates !!'' and i was like ''<shrug> well it was you that told them but it wasn't that bad in the end ....''.
😆

namechangiosa · 08/07/2024 08:30

FictionalCharacter · 07/07/2024 17:01

Oh @Anxiousmuch . I totally understood your POV and was on your side. Then you had to snipe at "the boomer generation". Why do people do this?

Yeah - I am sympathetic with the situation but I won't be engaging after this comment.

curiouslistener · 08/07/2024 08:37

@RosieApple61 "From the other perspective... we invited my DS, DIL and 1 yr old GC to spend a week with us in a cottage last year (we paid). We told them they could go and do their own thing, which they did on a couple of days. We babysat a couple of times so they could go out on their own. On the face of it, it was a good week. But our relationship has not been the same since. I can't figure out what we did wrong, but they don't seem to want to spend any time with us since then. It definitely won't happen again."

Aw RosieApple I feel sorry for you for this. It's easy for us all to romanticise holidaying together and sometimes it just isn't the image we have in our heads. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, and you sound considerate by babysitting too. But maybe they felt under pressure to go and it was a bit too full on being all together for a whole week? Holidays are always sold to us as relaxing but for a lot of people they can be stressful rather than relaxing even with everyone on best behaviour. Maybe traveling with a baby and worrying about that was stressing them and it's not something easily explainable however nice you are.

I don't know if this is any comfort but I went on one holiday that included my parents and inlaws! (Whose bright idea was that?) and absolutely hated it. Everyone was fine. Noone did anything wrong. I love my parents dearly and get on well with inlaws but somehow the combo of everyone's different stresses, including mine, meant it wasn't relaxing for me at all. Plus I felt very little connection with my partner who kind of switches off in these situations. People can be different about their stresses. Some people stress about being overly early for everything. Others stress about the travel aspect, others can be fussy about the food aspect. There is also a sort of constant scheduling thing that can tend to happen in these situations, when I'd just like to go with the flow more. The constant meal planning and endless discussion of these aspects. The irony being that everyone else had a great time...apart from me.

My parents occasionally say we should do it again. Thankfully I have quite a jokey relationship with them and so I tend to say I love you loads but hell will freeze over first. I paint it as my failing though. They know they are loved so it's not some massive rejection if we don't do actual holidays together.

Chartreux · 08/07/2024 08:38

Isn't the answer just to spend time on the beach regardless? If they can't come with you, so much the better. Tell them it's all the children want to do and, as it's their one opportunity to do it all year, you're not going to make them traipse around teashops.

Mintleafcocktail · 08/07/2024 08:44

Last time he spent most of the drive home gnashing his teeth saying 'I'm NEVER going away with my mother again, that was a nightmare. We mustn't tell them the dates !!'' and i was like ''<shrug> well it was you that told them but it wasn't that bad in the end ....''.
😆

😂

Whatabonkersworld · 08/07/2024 08:45

Ostagazuzulum · 03/07/2024 21:45

No suggestions but am in same situation. In laws have insisted that we go on holiday with them this year. Lord knows why. They've been nightmare booking it, nothing is good enough but they won't pay for what they want. Their specifications for what they want has been unachievable so it's gone on for ages as they're convinced we can 'do better's Dh and I struggle to get time off work in school hols so it's now been left so late we didn't get much choice. MIL is already sending messages to me about what clothes I should take as it'll be hot (. I'm nearly 50...!) I feel bit weird being in swimming costume around them so won't relax ('y issue not theirs but in my defence mil has plenty to say about my body shape after I'd given birth and how weight had dropped to my thighs)

They'll be a nightmare. Mil will want someone to go to bar for her constantly DH and FIL will ignore so as a people pleaser I'll be obliged), she'll undermine my parenting. Any days out will be limited as they have limited mobility and will Want to come and kick up a fuss if they can't. DH won't say word. They've never been on hols with us before. It's 14 days. I've never done an overnight with them before as they live within day driving distance so this will be intense. I'm dreading it. It's not a holiday.

I can't offer any advice only that you're not alone. I plan to get earplugs.

Godamighty, I'd be developing Orange juice Covid the day before take-off and enjoy the two weeks at home in peace and quiet.

UsernameTalk · 08/07/2024 08:46

I had twenty years of this. Every holiday, home and away, they were there.
It destroyed my mental health and eventually my relationship.
Hold your ground
Yes hold your grond and say no. I put up with this for many years, then I started to put my foot down and say no and start going low contact with in-laws. I have to be the one to say no as dh is a wet lettuce with his family. If you don't resentment will build up about how many holidays in-laws ruin.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 08/07/2024 08:52

Just say that you really need some family time, and that your plans are going to be centred entirely around child friendly activities so probably best that they don't join this one....

MrHarleyQuin · 08/07/2024 08:52

RosieApple61 · 08/07/2024 07:54

From the other perspective... we invited my DS, DIL and 1 yr old GC to spend a week with us in a cottage last year (we paid). We told them they could go and do their own thing, which they did on a couple of days. We babysat a couple of times so they could go out on their own. On the face of it, it was a good week. But our relationship has not been the same since. I can't figure out what we did wrong, but they don't seem to want to spend any time with us since then. It definitely won't happen again.

You probably haven't done anything wrong. It was probably a shock for them holidaying with a one year old and expectation v reality and they are probably just knackered generally. I'm sure they will come round.

Bittenbyfleas · 08/07/2024 08:55

Anxiousmuch · 03/07/2024 21:32

Every year myself and OH take our young children camping in Cornwall
It's our one holiday and we hope to spend the week on the beach (or in rain at soft play)
Today I've found out his parents have asked him what dates we are there because they want to find somewhere close by and be with us
I want to cry. This is my break and with them around I won't be able to relax. They'll also have completely different expectations of what we'll do and aren't agile enough to go on the beach
Am I unreasonable to expect my partner to say something to them? I'd be happy to do a weekend away with them another time

Next time don't tell them you are going on holiday. When you come back say it was literally a last minute bargain holiday you found online . I learned quickly with my in laws to do things and tell them afterwards.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 08/07/2024 08:57

"we've promised the dc this will be a breach holiday and we've planned to do xyz -active/adventure type activities, I know that's not your thing, how admit we do a weekend later in the summer somewhere else?"
Then if they insist on coming, "ok that's great, well stick with what we've planned and if you're not up for those things it's completely fine to do our own thing isn't it!"

I'm not sure why people have a problem just being assertive. If you feel that strongly about it there are ways of speaking up without being rude.

Ariela · 08/07/2024 08:57

Why don't you suggest to them (or DH suggest) that it'd be nicer to book somewhere more accessible for them rather than beach as really all day you are on the beach with the kids.

I'd do some research as to where you could go for a weekend /few days away that is accessible for them and present that to them as an option.

Bestyearever2024 · 08/07/2024 08:59

Anxiousmuch · 07/07/2024 16:56

Thank you for all your replies and advice
I have read them all

To clarify ...I don't dislike my in laws but I do resent them inviting themselves..

Firstly because MIL is both frail and needs easy access to a toilet which just isn't practical on this particular trip. I know them well enough to know they'll expect us to go with them around towns and sit and eat afternoon teas which is not my idea of fun and my children's idea of absolute boredom

Secondly they'd never ever babysit for those that think I'd get childcare out of this situation 😂

I've firmly told my partner he needs to make it clear we don't think this holiday will be enjoyable for them but we'd like to get a weekend in the cotswolds booked up but being of the boomer generation I fully expect them to ignore him and come anyway

We will try!

Thanks again

If they insist on coming along, then DH does town and teacakes with them

You do beach and soft play with the children

Devon23 · 08/07/2024 09:02

My parents used to do this no respect for boundaries. Tell them "that's great, we could meet up with you on 2 of those days but so have plans for the rest of the week".

Shambles123 · 08/07/2024 09:05

Happyinarcon · 07/07/2024 16:39

It’s sad to see the constant erosion of families. I’m sure once mumsnet has killed off holidays with extended family they will then start promoting husbands and wives holiday separately and then start threads on mothers not wanting to holiday with their children and children should be encouraged to holiday in groups with just teachers. I’m curious to see how far it will go before people start noticing.

DH and I do a separate holiday in the summer with our kids. Its stretches out the annual leave vs school holidays deficit. HTH.

LillianGish · 08/07/2024 09:23

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 08/07/2024 08:57

"we've promised the dc this will be a breach holiday and we've planned to do xyz -active/adventure type activities, I know that's not your thing, how admit we do a weekend later in the summer somewhere else?"
Then if they insist on coming, "ok that's great, well stick with what we've planned and if you're not up for those things it's completely fine to do our own thing isn't it!"

I'm not sure why people have a problem just being assertive. If you feel that strongly about it there are ways of speaking up without being rude.

At last a sensible suggestion. Was about to post the same.

OVienna · 08/07/2024 09:25

OP - I have a demanding parent to whom we've allocated A LOT of our holiday time. I know how hard this is.

But there is no alternative but to be firm. Suggesting an alternative weekend in the Cotswolds is fine but you have to explicitly state "it won't work" for them to come on this one. They will nod along and say it's fine when you explain it's a beach holiday - when you get there they will look confused the arrangements can't change "just a bit."

Compash · 08/07/2024 09:25

buttonsB4 · 03/07/2024 21:56

Noooooooo!!

This will not be a holiday for you.

Get DH to plan a weekend away with the kids and his parents (& you'll have plans on that weekend you can't get out of - like chilling out at home with a good book and a glass of wine 😉) but don't let them crash your holiday.

Why do some people think precious time off is an open invitation??

My PIL caught me at a (very) bad time of my life one day and said "when things calm down we can go on a nice fortnight's holiday together" I very quickly retorted "we just don't have the kind of relationship where we could do that!" And killed the idea stone dead.

As a person who has people-pleased to a ridiculous extent throughout my life, I am so incredibly pleased with myself for that one sentence of honesty and strength; it's saved an awful lot of ruined holidays.

Chapeau! I love that you said that! Especially excellent for an ex-people pleaser! 👍

curiouslistener · 08/07/2024 09:30

@plimbow "Another boomer here who's had the opposite problem.

How do you tell your beloved child that you don't want them to come away with you, that you don't want to spend your holiday being organised by them?"

This also made me laugh. Why do families all torture each other in these ways? Can one of the assertiveness crew not give you a hand, Plimbow? Is your child over-anxious about you going alone or do they just fancy the company? Perhaps a bit of vagueness and not divulging that you're going until you've set off is the way? Or the "I really want to go alone this time to have an adventure". Breaking the habit once can make things easier.

Redmat · 08/07/2024 09:33

I'm a boomer. I've never once invited myself on my children's holidays. How dare you suggest that we all push ourselves on our families without heed for their own space or feelings.
My children however occasionally do ASK us to join them and we are pleased to do so.

radio4everyday · 08/07/2024 09:43

being of the boomer generation I fully expect them to ignore him and come anyway

just don't tell them where you are going.

If they do come, you have your holiday as normal. don't change one single thing that you would otherwise do. And make it clear in advance that's what you'll be doing. you can meet them once for afternoon tea and otherwise holiday separately.