Parents in law on holiday

[Anxiousmuch]

Every year myself and OH take our young children camping in Cornwall
It's our one holiday and we hope to spend the week on the beach (or in rain at soft play)
Today I've found out his parents have asked him what dates we are there because they want to find somewhere close by and be with us
I want to cry. This is my break and with them around I won't be able to relax. They'll also have completely different expectations of what we'll do and aren't agile enough to go on the beach
Am I unreasonable to expect my partner to say something to them? I'd be happy to do a weekend away with them another time

YANBU. We had this for a number of years with my PILs. We were return visitors to the same village with a gorgeous beach, which we loved and they hated but still they came!!

Ah OP it is a tricky one. I think if the horse has bolted I would ask DH to lay out very clearly what your plans are once you’re there and say they are welcome to join but because of the kids / time / money you will bot be able to commit to doing anything else.

Fucking hell.
YANBU.

Here's another perspective.... my son is constantly on at my husband and me to go on holiday with him, my DIL and their 2 kids (10 and 5) and quite frankly I'd rather eat glass !!!!! And as an aside I am almost 70 and perfectly "agile" enough for anything.... beach, water park, hikes .... but we like our holidays without kids. End of. We have agreed reluctantly to go on a one off holiday next summer but how it will pan out I am not sure. I think THEY will have unreasonable expectations of us, e.g. babysitting, doing things they want and little opportunity to actually enjoy our holiday. Not all PIL are interfering and controlling, and quite frankly as your situation doesn't sound like it's ever happened before why can't you just try and enjoy them being there just this once if they want to come. Doesn't sound like it'll be 24/7. Maybe being with YOU will put them off wanting to ever do it again !!!! When they're not around any more I bet you'll have nice holidays on the proceeds of what they leave behind.

YANBU

Tell DH if ILS are going, you aren’t. You will have a better time at home than dealing with this.

Sweet lord no. why oh why does this happen? my sister just come home from lanzaraote she siad her and her husband were the only family in the resort who did not have extra family ie grandparents etc with them she couldn't get over it. we love our parents and our inlaws but a day here or there is enough. having other people changes the dynamics of the holiday. you husband needs to say NO

Extremely rude of them to invite themselves.
Tell your husband to say No, or he can take the children on holiday with them and you will work.
He won't do it again.

Well said, I don’t know why you say they can’t go on the beach there are plenty of beaches in Cornwall where there is easy access.

wonder if all the posters screaming ‘no’ will feel the same when they themselves become the MIL, why is it okay to be so unkind to in laws?

@Anxiousmuch - could you have a conversation with your ails along this line - “I am worried that you won’t enjoy the holiday we have planned - we intend to spend as much time on the beach as possible, and if it’s wet, we’ll take the kids to soft play, and that honestly doesn’t sound like much fun for you. Would it be better if we looked for a long weekend where we could plan something that you and the kids would all enjoy?”

That’s not confrontational, and isn’t you or dh saying ‘don’t come, you’ll spoil our holiday’ - but makes it clear that you and the children will be having the beach/soft play holiday you want, even if the ails do gatecrash.

This X a million.

Difficult one. We took MIL & FIL on holiday to villa in Spain they kicked up a fuss because we had been with my parents a nd wanted the same. However we ended up paying for everything I did object to paying for their flights and they weren't happy about that. My parents went half on everything even the hire car. They complained about the heat. Our 5 year old watching cartoons. Price of bread. Any where we suggested to go they pulled faces. In the end I would just say where we going if they wanted to come if not they could stay put. It was a nightmare. FIL when we went out for a meal complained about everything. Wanted menu in English which not all restaurants had. Then the food wasn t good enough. If I was you, lI would just say not this time we'll arrange something later in the year and go to centre parks or similar. Good luck.

Christ maybe they just want to amble around St Austell

No-one wants to amble around St Austell 😂

This. I really hope he feels able to nip this in the bud, your family holiday deserves to be protected. X

It is rude to invite yourself on someone's holiday. It isn't unkind to say no.

One of my regrets in life is having spent so many holidays with family when we never had a great time with them. If I had my time over, I would change this and significantly reduce the amount of family holidays. OP, I would nip this in the bud sooner rather than later. I think it's perfectly reasonable not to have to share your holiday.

Depends on in-laws. Some are lovely; mine were a nightmare. One holiday with them and I was shaking with rage. They thought the trip was an all-inclusive (courtesy of us) and full housekeeping and cooking (courtesy of yours truly).

Another rage-filled trip was when I was going away for a week as an adult with my parents. Dsis invited her dd along - by herself. Dm was too weak to say no, so we had a very difficult 4-year-old dictating the whole itinerary (whilst dsis and bil had a child-free week).

Sums up my thoughts exactly!

I used to wait for DH to say no, he was never able to do it effectively, either putting it off until the last minute or not explaining properly.

I think you have to nip in the bud yourself right now. You are a couple and asking one half to come on holiday isn't on. its also inviting themselves behind your back which is a bloody cheek and there's a reason why they asked DH and not you, because they knew he'd find it harder to say no.

I think you have to be the Bad Guy, take the hit and make sure you ring fence your holidays for yourself. Otherwise they will think its OK to keep asking your DH and jumping in on your plans.
Take courage in both hands and email them directly yourself. Say everything you said in your post. Writing is better so they have time to read and digest. And then prepare DH to have the talk when they've read it. It's perfectly reasonable and if they take offence its on them.

"Hi Inlaws. I hear you've told DH that you want to stay nearby when we are on holiday. I'm so sorry but we planned a quiet relaxing getaway from it all with just the DC and us on our own and we want to stick to that plan.
It's our only week's holiday this year and we've been looking forward to this so much and we don't want to suddenly change or expand our plans now. We've already spent ages talking about exactly how we want to spend this break and don't think you would find the days out and activities we have planned for ourselves suitable for you.
Maybe later in the year, a weekend away planned by all of us together, would be more suitable for everyone instead. "

Weeks away with the DC just on our own were brilliant to have the time and space to really play with them. When they were small their speech really developed during that time. It was also a time when I had DH to myself and we were really able to relax. When we did go away with others it turned into a marathon of cooking, entertaining and endless chatter, which was exhausting.

Stand firm OP and happy holidays!

You need to have that chat however uncomfortable it is or you won't have a holiday.

We've been quite lucky when we've been away with FiL & youngest BiL. We've shared accommodation and taken separate cars so we've met up for evening meals to catch up and we have shared some costs but we've had mainly separate holidays other than a couple of agreed days out and last day breakfasts etc. Forced time together would not improve matters.

Say no, but maybe offer a weekend away together another time?

I think you can do this kindly. Say "that sounds great, we'll be doing beach things with the children during the day but can all meet up in the evening if you are not doing anything else". That way you are setting the ground rules very openly, but keeping options open.

Bit rude of them not to at least ask, don't you think?

When DS was little we had holidays a bit like this (and we were possibly the ones inviting ourselves!). GPs lived miles away, so didn't see them much. We tagged along on a few holidays, but usually only for a week out of a 2 week holiday. We would book somewhere nearby (did Scilly Isles once and we stayed on different islands). So would meet up a couple of days, so GPs could have fun on the beach etc with DS, but rest of holidays was our time and their time. Obviously, all done with agreement with adults. My proviso used to be though that we would have one holiday with GPs and one without, so could be a weekend break for us or weekend with GPs at somewhere like Center Parcs.

So would it be an option there is only a couple of days overlap, and you just have a few hours with them, or maybe try and arrange a weekend with them another time.

But this should be your holiday first and foremost

The first issue is that your DH will probably not see anything wrong with having his parents on holiday with you as, they are after all his parents and he's probably been on plenty of holidays with them before. So, you need to dissuade your DH of the idea that this is a good idea. You won't want them for babysitting duties and even if they made the suggestion that they would do that, by the time they get there, they are likely to change their minds, be too tired and you'll still not get a break.

I would make it very very clear that if they come on this holiday, you will expect a separate holiday of equal duration where they are not invited so you can relax on that holiday. It's not a holiday when you can't relax.

Then I would plan a visit to the in-laws with DH so that he can tell them that while it might be a lovely idea, unfortunately it's not going to be possible for them to join you on this holiday. Perhaps if they give you some dates that they are available to travel on, you can research some family friendly locations for a weekend or midweek break away while the kids are not in school. Then do a bit of research and present them with say 3 options at different prices and make it clear that they would be expected to contribute to the costs of whichever holiday/break they decide on.

That's how I'd deal with it.

Absolutely.
I don't invite myself on my son's holidays. I can't imagine starting to do that if/when he has kids.
Before MN I had no idea that people invited themselves on their adult children's holidays, and even less idea that some people think that's ok.
Do people really believe that if a couple has arranged a holiday for themselves and their children, it's perfectly normal for one of the couple's parents to gatecrash?

My in-laws are decent people, but dear god, a joint holiday would have been a nightmare. Their endless quirks, habits, rigid routines and disapproving of things would have been unbearable.

And please stop with the "one day they'll be gone" guilt tripping. You won't be wailing at their graves wishing you'd let them come on your holiday.