Parents in law on holiday

[Anxiousmuch]

Every year myself and OH take our young children camping in Cornwall
It's our one holiday and we hope to spend the week on the beach (or in rain at soft play)
Today I've found out his parents have asked him what dates we are there because they want to find somewhere close by and be with us
I want to cry. This is my break and with them around I won't be able to relax. They'll also have completely different expectations of what we'll do and aren't agile enough to go on the beach
Am I unreasonable to expect my partner to say something to them? I'd be happy to do a weekend away with them another time

Amen!

@ArthurChristmas22 - you find some of these responses heartbreaking??? Really??? Not everyone gets along like a house on fire with their in-laws. Most have a polite relationship as it is the son/daughter - husband/wife that we have the primary relationship with and not the MiL/FiL relationship.
I like my in-laws but I'm quite happy that even when they were fully able, we were never expected to accompany them on their holiday and vice versa.

Lie about the dates.

Just tell them the wrong dates 😆

People who are not even agile enough to the beach are going camping? I would expect that what they are actually able to do would be quite limited, so can't you and kids do their own thing and meet up for dinner?

We went on holiday with the ILs years ago. Shared accommodation.

We'd been living apart a lot as DH had a new job and I hadn't moved across due to new born and a child settled in nursery.

So off we went. Didn't get a moment apart, so after a few days when I was really struggling we told them we'd do our own the the next day but could meet them at x later if they wanted.

They followed us. Actually followed us. I pulled over to have a meander around a marina and they parked and waited for us to finish. I kept meandering and meandering waiting for them to go, so they sent BiL to ask how long we'd be.

Honestly it just doesn't work with some people.

@DecafDodger I assume grandparents are will probably find a hotel or similar rather than camping

I know it’s very Mumsnet to hate spending your leisure time with in-laws.

Yes. There’s a reason for that. If the in-laws were perfect holiday companions, people wouldn’t post about the threat.

They'll be dead one day

Sorry but I never understand this point- we will ALL be dead one day. One day OP or her partner will die so by that rationale they are not being unreasonable to want some holidays alone together to make their own personal memories before they die too.

The dead one day thing always sounds like blatant emotional manipulation to me, never coming from a place of genuine compassion but as a weapon to get what you want and ride roughshod over other people's wishes.

Both my parents are dead. I saw them lots, we loved each other but we never went on holiday with them and I have not one single regret about that. I did plenty for my parents so have zero need to feel any kind of weird guilt. Neither did they pressure me to take them on holiday because they recognised it was important for me to spend time with my own immediate family too. They were very respectful and caring in that regard and I loved them for it.

It's the type of ILs that is the problem. (And the DH but that's a separate issue.)
Yes, it's very rude to invite yourself along to other people's holiday but some ILs such as the OP's seem to think it's fine. Needs to be addressed, sadly.
It's also how the actual holiday is envisaged. Whenever we have gone away with other people, (not ILS but other family or friends, usually to a large villa) it has always been very clear from the start that we are not all joined at the hip.
It's perfectly fine to do your own thing. Lounge at the pool or go to the beach, or shopping, or do cultural things. By yourself, with your OH, or anyone else in the group but just recognising people want to do different things.
So it's all agreed at the outset and no-one can get snippy about it.
We may meet up for some or even most evening meals but it's not compulsory .
The thought of going about mob-handed all the time, traipsing en masse round a church or market or water-park is ghastly. Even if it's just six of you, it's too many.
You need to have that awkward conversation, I'm afraid. Better the two of you do it rather than him alone and have him pin it all on you. 'Well, Siobhan says xxx and you know how she is...'

So many drippy DHs who just sleepwalk into these situations and ruin holidays. YADNBU OP.

And @Ostagazuzulum your situation is horrendous- time for your H to step up and run around after his parents now he’s muffed up a whole fortnight’s holiday.

wonder if all the posters screaming ‘no’ will feel the same when they themselves become the MIL, why is it okay to be so unkind to in laws?

It's not being very "kind" to invite yourself on someone else's holiday! I have no desire whatsoever to go on holiday with my children - we have different ideas of what makes a good holiday so I wish them a great time and I'll see them when they come back and we go on our own holidays doing the things we like to do. This really isnt some huge snub fgs, but if you think it is then frankly, I can understand why people may not wish to holiday with you if you make everything so dramatic and turn it into a personal slight.

@@FanofLeaves
"I mean, at least have a conversation about it like adults."

That is exactly what the inlaws did not do.
They asked DH privately (behind her back) what his holiday dates were so they could book nearby accommodation and join in the holiday. No attempt at adult discussion with the OP. Job Done.

Why doesn't she have the right to have her one week of holiday away from home with just her DH and DC to relax. It doesn't mean she doesn't like inlaws. She just wants time on their own and a week isn't a big ask. It isn't depriving the inlaws of contact with GCs.

Arranging with in-laws to go for Cream teas whilst OP goes to the beach and eating at certain places etc in the evening is exactly the sort of to and fro she doesn't want to have to deal with on her break. If they wanted to holiday with inlaws, they would have asked them when they were organising it.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect you to deliver the bad news. Your OH should be able to say to his parents that this one’s a family holiday for the four of you without hurting anyone’s feelings. He can then briskly deflect to the idea of an alternative weekend with them somewhere else.

They probably don’t mean to be rude but if they push back after he’s said no they will be.

When DH’s parents (of whom we are both fond) suggested this, DH laughed and said ‘No offence, but we’d rather shoot ourselves than go on holiday with you’. Similarly when they suggested it again.

We have actually been on holiday with them more than once, ages back, and it’s just exhausting, because they’re fussy, set in their ways and those ways are quite peculiar (dinner ideally happens before 5 pm, they won’t eat unfamiliar food, they invariably claim they ‘don’t want lunch’, but then that they want ‘just a bun’, which means some form of sandwich in a bread roll, and they get lost without careful supervision — they are also the only people I’ve ever met who were actually falling for the ‘dropped ring’ scam in Paris before I intervened). It’s just too much work.

@lilacnapkin - I am a MIL and a granny now, and I agree with you. Dh and I wouldn’t dream of inviting ourselves along on holiday with ds1, DIL and dgd.

In fact, they have suggested that it would be nice for us all to go off on an all inclusive holiday sometime, with her parents too, which is lovely of them. I am pretty immobile, so wouldn’t be able to do a lot, apart from sitting in the sun with my book, and the occasional swim, but I wouldn’t expect anyone else to restrict their holiday to suit me. I’d join in where I could, and then happily wave them all off for more active pursuits.

When the dses were small, my MIL did spend part of one of our holidays with us - and to be honest, it is so long ago that I can’t remember whose idea it was - but she only came for a few days (her choice) so we still got some time alone as well. But she was an absolute Prince among mothers in law, and I’d have happily had her along on every holiday. If the OP’s ILs aren’t flexible and cooperative, I don’t blame her for not being keen on having them along for the whole time.

I agree with you in some circumstances, but then the DH didn't exactly quash the idea when they raised it in the first place.
If he did OP wouldn't have started the thread, so it really depends how good/reliable he is at explaining things and how quickly he does it so that they don't turn around and say "Oh but we've already booked." If that's the case, I'd rather be the bad guy than end up having to do the whole holiday anyway.

I think that the OP telling them also underlines that they need to consult her too and not just DH when making plans like this.

We once took our children on their first holiday abroad. On the second day, mil and dil turned up as a surprise...

I really like my in-laws. They asked to come away with us last year. We said yes

They were bloody miserable. They didn't want to do anything we did, claimed they were tired all the time, we were eating by at the wrong times. It was such hard work
I think they forgot that two small
Boys are alot of work on holidays and don't want to sit quietly having a brew and "people watching"

Very rude of them to invite themselves along

@FanofLeaves No, actually that does not work with some people, especially the kind that invite themselves. My ex in laws invited themselves over on a weekend away with me and ExDH. They followed us everywhere, knocked on our door every morning at 7am and DH and I trying to go to bed early one night was met with sulking and crying from MIL. It was the worst holiday of my life.

My parents also attempt to invite themselves on holidays now. And it's a straight out NO Every.Single.Time. My mum is too needy and sensitive and would ruin it.

It’s sad to see the constant erosion of families. I’m sure once mumsnet has killed off holidays with extended family they will then start promoting husbands and wives holiday separately and then start threads on mothers not wanting to holiday with their children and children should be encouraged to holiday in groups with just teachers. I’m curious to see how far it will go before people start noticing.

Many families are time poor now. A weeks holiday may be the only time some families get. It's not ask big ask really

I would pull out of the holiday and let dh entertain them and the kids simultaneously. I guarantee it won’t happen again.

and yes, I did just suggest a separate holiday for a couple ! 😮

Yes it must be so sad and inconvenient to see young women stand up for themselves and not be the family doormat.