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Original poster

At loggerheads over dog

425 replies

Nate757 · 03/07/2024 10:52

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Nap1983 · 03/07/2024 10:56

Wasnt great timing to pull out of having the pup tbh, however owning a dog is a massive commitment and i think needs everyone in house to be on board.

VickyEadieofThigh · 03/07/2024 10:57

You were unreasonable not to have at least researched how massive this breed of dog is.

OnceICaughtACold · 03/07/2024 10:58

You’re not going to live with it much of the time though are you? You’re working abroad 50% of the time, leaving your wife who suffers extreme anxiety alone with your 1 year old.

If you were at home, I would say a compromise was needed. Big dogs have a big impact on families. But in your situation, I think you’re being unreasonable. I also think you’re being a dick to say the costs fall to her. Presumably the point of you working away is to make more money.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 03/07/2024 10:59

Did you not do research on how big those dogs get?

KreedKafer · 03/07/2024 11:00

A St Bernard is a ridiculous dog to choose if you have a toddler. They’re massive, obviously, and while they’re usually pretty sweet natured, they’re not at all easy to train or control. They also drool heavily, often pretty much constantly. And they’re not good guard dogs.

Add to that their multiple inherited health issues and their short life span.

Honestly, I think your wife is being a bit brattish about this, and wants a St Bernard in much the same way someone might want a designer bag.

Original poster
Nate757 · 03/07/2024 11:00

VickyEadieofThigh · 03/07/2024 10:57

You were unreasonable not to have at least researched how massive this breed of dog is.

I will hold my hands up and say my wife did take me to a local dog show beforehand to meet some. It just didn't quite hit me until it came to actually taking one home with us.

OP posts:
Potentialmadcatlady · 03/07/2024 11:01

So she moved away from friends and family for your work and is now totally alone 50% of the time…. She has had large dogs before so knows what work they are and how much they cost..she wants a dog to help her feel safe whilst on her own 50% of the time…you agreed and let her chose a puppy then at last min said no….
If it was me you would appear home to find whatever dog I wanted to care for already there… you can’t keep changing the goal posts and expect her to be happy about it

minipie · 03/07/2024 11:02

I don’t think you’re unreasonable not to want a St Bernard

I do think you’re unreasonable to have uprooted your wife from her network for your job when you’re working away half the time. Can you move back to your old area so she has friends and family around, and you suck up the commute for the 50% of time you’re around?

Hivernal · 03/07/2024 11:03

I absolutely love big dogs but I wouldn't have one with such a tiny baby so you're not unreasonable in that aspect.

However, I think you're hugely unreasonable to pull out after she's picked her pup and fallen in love with it. I also think it's a bit shitty to insist she pays for a dog out of her own very small income. She's maintaining the home and raising your child singlehandedly half the time while you work abroad, I would expect her to have full access to the family finances. I feel really sorry for your wife in this.

Merryoldgoat · 03/07/2024 11:03

YANBU except for the making her pay for the food.

Dogs are family pets and you don’t get to agree to having one and then absolve yourself of responsibility for it.

I don’t like dogs, or want one, but if I were convinced then I’d accept equal responsibility.

SpanielintheWorks · 03/07/2024 11:04

Hmm. I would hesitate over the need to pay for a huge dog's costs out of a couple of hundred pounds a month income. Food, vaccinations, worming and insurance together are likely to come to more than that as it grows.

Hivernal · 03/07/2024 11:05

Nap1983 · 03/07/2024 10:56

Wasnt great timing to pull out of having the pup tbh, however owning a dog is a massive commitment and i think needs everyone in house to be on board.

Sounds like he's barely in the house.

Butterflyfern · 03/07/2024 11:05

I think you were an AH to make your SAHM wife agree to solely shoulder the costs of a dog in the first place tbh. Especially as it's company for her when you are not there and her MH struggles. It's not a particularly empathetic or caring decision on your part. How is she going to manage to fund vet bills etc? (Or was that manipulation on your behalf to try to change her mind?)

As you work away so much, I think you need to look into moving closer to your wife's support network tbh

Merryoldgoat · 03/07/2024 11:06

What support and treatment does your wife have? Are you away 7-10 days every month?

Heronwatcher · 03/07/2024 11:06

I think to want a dog of that size you both have to be on board with it so I don’t think you’re being U although the timing and the “conditions” you put on it beforehand make me think there might be a bit more to it- would you really begrudge the dog food if it vastly improved your wife’s mental health?

That said I think your wife is being incredibly unrealistic if she thinks this is a one stop shop to improve her mental health. Dogs like that obviously need a huge amount of work and can be very difficult to manage alongside a small child- I think there’s a decent chance it might make things worse. I think both you and your wife need to think about different ways to improve her mental health and you, in particular, need to be flexible about trying some of these things without conditions being put on them. For example, could you move house to be closer to family and friends – especially since you’re away so much of the time it’s important for her to have a support network where she lives. Could you take a transfer at work for a short time, either to move closer to family and friends or so that at least you don’t have to be away for such long periods (I would be very worried about that part of your job currently). Also, could you consider her going back to work part time and putting your DC into nursery– she may think this sounds like a lot but if she’s got poor mental health being stuck at home on her own with a child is not really the best situation to be in.

Finally has she visited the GP recently and asked for any help either from mental health services or in terms of looking at any medication she could take?

I think for now, I would forget the dog until other things have got a bit better to be honest.

Original poster
Nate757 · 03/07/2024 11:06

KreedKafer · 03/07/2024 11:00

A St Bernard is a ridiculous dog to choose if you have a toddler. They’re massive, obviously, and while they’re usually pretty sweet natured, they’re not at all easy to train or control. They also drool heavily, often pretty much constantly. And they’re not good guard dogs.

Add to that their multiple inherited health issues and their short life span.

Honestly, I think your wife is being a bit brattish about this, and wants a St Bernard in much the same way someone might want a designer bag.

I will stick up for my wife here and say that is not at all why she wants one. She is a keen dog lover and grew up with a Saint Bernard who she loved to bits, it's nothing to do with wanting a fashion accessory or whatever.

OP posts:
SatinHeart · 03/07/2024 11:07

I don't think it's that unusual for people to want the breed of dog they have experience of. If I liked big dogs, I wouldn't want a pug or a terrier (for example). They are very different beasts.

I agree with @OnceICaughtACold about it being a dick move to say that your wife has to pay for the dog food etc. A dog belongs to the household - either everyone is fully on board with that or no dog.

FatmanandKnobbin · 03/07/2024 11:08

Ywbvu to pull out when you did, your wife knows the breed, understands it, took you to dog shows to see the breed, and then you wait until she has the puppy literally in her arms before you say no.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 03/07/2024 11:08

OnceICaughtACold · 03/07/2024 10:58

You’re not going to live with it much of the time though are you? You’re working abroad 50% of the time, leaving your wife who suffers extreme anxiety alone with your 1 year old.

If you were at home, I would say a compromise was needed. Big dogs have a big impact on families. But in your situation, I think you’re being unreasonable. I also think you’re being a dick to say the costs fall to her. Presumably the point of you working away is to make more money.

Absolutely this!

Painauraison · 03/07/2024 11:10

So she moves away from everything else in her life for you and is left alone most of the time, yet it's your money? You agreed with the dog then changed your mind when she thought she was getting it, you're lucky you have a wife.

Floralnomad · 03/07/2024 11:11

She won’t fund an adult St Bernard on a couple of hundred pounds a month . This marriage is not working for your wife being a SAHM and moving away from her support network is hard but I can see why you wouldn’t want a huge slobbering dog . I doubt throwing a puppy into this mix will help your wife’s mental health - moving , changing jobs so that you are home or childcare and a job would all be better .

Georgieporgypud · 03/07/2024 11:11

A st bernard is a stupid choice. They're huge, difficult to train, requires huge amounts of grooming, they create a lot of mess and hair and they're incredibly strong.

There's a million other dogs to choose from.

But you also need to find a new job where you are not working away. You're being very selfish. Your wife isn't coping, she needs you to put her and your child first.

Merryoldgoat · 03/07/2024 11:11

I think it’s perfectly reasonable not to want a dog at home.

I don’t like dogs and can’t bear going places where there are big ones in the way. I would absolutely not have one at home even if I was away a lot.

Original poster
Nate757 · 03/07/2024 11:11

Merryoldgoat · 03/07/2024 11:06

What support and treatment does your wife have? Are you away 7-10 days every month?

I am away 7-10 days, home for 5-7 days in between

OP posts:
TableTabler · 03/07/2024 11:11

If I was her, you'd come home to a dog.

You're not there 50% of the time!! You're wildly unreasonable