At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

This.

Being quite frank, your wife can't afford a St Bernard on 'a couple of hundred a month' - I know a couple who breed them. They have two at the moment (mother and daughter) and they cost in excess of £800 a month to maintain - food, pet insurance, health checks, medication etc. St Bernards are really unhealthy breeds with lots of issues. Even if she could afford it, she couldn't afford anything else. Have you actually spoken to her about costs?

However, what you did was disgusting.

You do not promise someone with MH issues the one thing that would make them better then rip it away. That's not even unreasonable tbh, it's just bloody cruel. And promising a dog without actually knowing anything abut the breed is downright irresponsible.

The only way you are going to fix this is by either moving back to live with her support network - which is what you SHOULD do because her MH is not going to magically be 100% cured by a dog- or get her the damn dog. Although no responsible breeder would sell to you anyway with a young child.

OP in some ways you seem really sweet about this. You obviously care deeply for your wife and you feel conflicted enough about your decision to ask for advice.

However in other ways I think you're being a bit disrespectful to your wife. Telling someone 'ok you get a dog but you're paying for it' is something you'd say to your teenage child not a spouse that you're coparenting with. It's subtley reenforcing that lonliness. She's at home most of the time isolated and caring for the baby that's half your's. She can't make financial decisions independently without your say so because you make most of the money. You either support her or you don't and if you do support her that means that within reason you substitute her financially without complaint whilst she's not working because she's caring for your child.

I think an alternative condition I'd be setting is that the dog is taken to puppy training school and that you don't stop this until it's adequately well trained.

I do agree with pp and yourself that a st bernard isn't an ideal choice for most family homes but if it's what your wife really has her heart set on and she's confident that she can adequately train it and care for it then I'd just go for it tbh.

Just go and get the damned dog OP and surprise her with it.... then share lots of Bethoven pictures on MN for cuteness overload

Lots of people, including myself, think you’re unreasonable to ask your wife to pay for the dog on her own on her smaller income. I see you haven’t replied to any of those comments- maybe have a think about it if you do end up getting a dog. They can be expensive!

I think you’re being really unfair to your wife in lots of ways - moving her away for your work, then mostly working away, for example - but not about the dog. My relatives used to have one, and their entire garden was covered in a layer of hair, and my aunt spent most of her day hoover and cleaning the drool from every surface. Their house stunk too.

Would she be open to volunteering at a local animal shelter? You meet some lovely people, can socialize with the dogs, and go back to a clean, peaceful home. It may not help her anxiety at night, but I doubt the dog would have done so for long either.

I think it will help her enormously. Plus you meet so many people with a dog, I made more there than via the primary school. I got Basset Hounds as I grew up with those as a child when my daughter started primary school. Nothing like having your childhood breed. Made so many friends both online and in walking groups through the breed club and breed rescue. Dog breeds are so different so I think it’s very helpful to have a breed you know inside out. Just recently lost mine aged 13 and my husband works away a lot due to his job. I definitely miss the company and am planning replacements at the end of this year. Just needed time to process the loss of my other dogs. You don’t get lonely with a dog. I also still do a lot of volunteering with the breed rescue and have a whole community of friends there.

Have to say I would have been utterly devastated had my husband changed his mind when at the breeders so she did well not to totally crumble. Also it’s possible to have a tidy, clean & safe house with young children & dogs if organised.

Mumsnet on 99% of dog posts: "everyone in the house has to be committed to getting a dog or don't get one"

Also mumsnet "unless the sole dissenter is the man - in which case fuck it crack on hun, he's a big meanie anyway"

I agree with this. My other thought was, it you are working away in 'safe' countries, why can't your wife and child come along for the adventure on some trips? Rather than being tied to home with a dog? Just a suggestion.

Op you're controlling, financially abusive and neglectful.

No wonder your wife wants a puppy who will love her unconditionally, and no wonder she wants one from her childhood which was probably the last time she felt truly loved.

And she has to pay for it. Red flag - leave now.

You’re an utter asshole. You know she’s struggling with her mental health, that she moved away from friends and family for you, that she feels isolated, that she has anxiety about being alone in the house and you decided to change to working abroad for 7-10 days at a time??? You know that she desperately wants a dog and a specific breed of dog and you told her she could have it, went with her to the breeder so she saw the puppy she was supposed to be taking home and then said you changed your mind???

YABVU for creating a situation where your wife is isolated with a baby, having moved for your job and now being away more than half of the time.

I wouldn't want a large dog in my house either but that is the least of your problems.

Based on this thread, you sound awful. You've isolated her, don't share the money with her that she enables you to earn (so is, herself, earning in every sense too!) and taken away something that could well be what saves her from all this misery, right at the last second.

My dog saved my poor mental health. Everyone around me has said what he has done for me and my mental health. To have something that loves you so completely and always, without controlling money or abandoning her...

I think she needs to leave and go back to her support network. Hard to see what she gains by being with you but easy to see what she is losing.

Sorry to be blunt but you need to start thinking about you wife and putting her first, even if that means leaving your career and accepting a financial nosedive

Just the sheer size and cost of a Saint Bernard would put me off. The drooling, grim.

Wtf are you talking about? Most people are agreeing that a St Bernard is potentially not the best choice? The thread is about the op agreeing and then changing his mind when she’s literally at the breeders having picked up the puppy. Plus the fact he doesn’t even live there most of the time?

Quite. The attitude to dogs is bizarre here. People treat owning one like a human right.

St Bernards are massive, as you know.

Parent's friends had one and their house was ruined- a tide mark of grime from where the dog had come indoors muddy- the heavy coats need serious cleaning.

I have a Whippet, about as neat as you can get, but this winter it was so wet that it would take me 15 minutes after every walk to get her cleaned off and dry-

Every time she set foot outdoors, even in the garden She'd need a foot clean, due to weather conditions.

I'd definitely never want such a heavyweight breed.

For all that large dogs and the puppy stage can be hard work, you have ignored the fact that your wife wants this particular breed because she has experience of it and it will make her feel safe.

Do you understand how she feels alone at night with her young daughter in a house by herself ? You says she suffers from anxiety after a bad experience and yet you fail to understand that she needs security and comfort - things that you're not able to give her for a substantial portion of time.

She needs this dog because of your failiings as a husband. Find a way to support her because she deserves better.

I understand not wanting to get a dog and as a dog owner with young kids, I wouldn't recommend it.

However... you've completely gone about this the wrong way. How cruel to wait until she had the puppy in her arms before letting her down. Also so tight to make her pay out of her tiny wages when she's stuck at home looking after your child!

Also why have you isolated her away from her family and friends when you're not there half of the time? You can't expect your wife to continue in this setup when she's so unhappy. I've been there, if she's anything like me she'll reach breaking point and move back without you.

@HcbSS

yrah, putting her baby into childcare when she doesn't want nor need to is really going to help her.

I think your wife should get a job rather than a career - that would bring her more in the way of connections and reduce her isolation @Nate757

@AmelieTaylor

but staying home clearly isn’t working for her is it? Just like it doesn’t work for a lot of women

But when she's already struggling, at home with a 1 year old, how on earth is adding a PUPPY into the mix a good idea? Terrible idea. It's not going to "fix" her depression. It's a huge responsibility and more work.

I think the issue isn't the dog but your job. You need to find a new job which has you at home at the end of the day.

Agree totally with this - i also think you both are being a bit nieve on dog ownership etc aswell. Is there a shelter your wife could help out with, fostering or something ? Hundreds of dogs looking for a home without having to go down the breeder route - Also can see how family is coping with dog etc while fostering.