At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

I thank everyone for their comments, even if some have been a bit brutal, maybe it's not undeservedly so. I've taken a lot of feedback on board, and some points have been really helpful in understanding where my wife is coming from. I really do think her stubbornness in wanting a Saint Bernard and not other breeds is down to wanting to revisit the security she felt in childhood with one.

Last night we sat down and had a long discussion over things. We're setting up a joint account so our finances can be shared, but I'm not expecting her to put in her money as she wants to keep some financial independence for herself. It'll take time but hopefully we will both start seeing it as "our money" not "my money/her money/his money".

I understand now that she wants the dog not just for at home company, but as something to help her confidence getting out of the house, going to dog classes and group walks which is much more "her thing" than Mum and Baby groups. I'm still not sold on a Saint Bernard, but my wife has agreed to make a shortlist of other breeds she likes and think will be suitable, and we can sit down and research them together (any suggestions are welcome!). We will go 50/50 on its every day upkeep between her money and the joint account, which is entirely up to her as I have said I'm happy for it to just come out of the joint account.

I have contacted my work and asked if I can reduce my work abroad for the next few months so I can focus on supporting my family. It'll be a financial hit but hopefully not one we can't afford

Good on you, OP!

But I would say very few dogs are suitable for young children. Some one idiot will come along in a minute and say 'Golden Retriever' or 'Cocker Spaniel' (as always happens on these posts) and I really urge you to ignore them. I have both and they are really not suitable for families with young children - maybe one family in a thousand will actually make it work and give those breeds what they need. Most of them fail and the results are usually pretty awful for the dog.

If your wife likes a larger dog, then definitely consider a Bernese Mountain dog. Fabulous temperaments, great with children, the ones I've had were not really high energy and they don't drool.

All sounds incredibly positive.
for what it’s worth I wish all people took on board their partners feelings so well!
Good luck with the dog hunt…. Maybe you too should come up with some breeds you like, see if your lists cross over at all.
Another down side of larger breeds is their generally shorter lifespans, maybe that could be used as a con for a gigantic breed?

Some of us don't find it easy to have friendships. I don't and my dogs are my social life. If the OP's wife us like this, she needs a dog. Lots of people with young kids have digs. And the big soppy breeds are a great choice if you aren't mega keen on a dog-filled life as they sleep most of the time and don't need loads of exercise

I agree with the cocker spaniel because of the incredibly high energy level:. They’re also a bit ‘smelly’ due to the oils produced to water proof their coats…. But out of interest what’s up with golden retrievers?

Goldens are lovely dogs (I have one atm and just said farewell to one I was fostering).

But they need, IME, 90 minutes to 2 hours exercise a day to be really content. People will say 'my golden is fine with less' but that's not good enough tbh. It might appear fine, but I guarantee it's likely not. And people will say 'show lines need less exercise' - also rubbish. They're a working dog.

They're also incredibly mouthy and with a young child that's asking for trouble as they don't understand how to be soft until they're older (they grow up very slowly - so this is likely 18months+). People joke they are 'land sharks' which is fine when it's an adult or even a child 8+ but anything under that and they can accidentally do a lot of damage. They also shed like crazy, cost a fortune to feed and insure (mine is £150 a month compared to the two cockers I have currently that are £150 between them!). They're prone to SA (like spaniels). They drool. And they can come with a tonne of health issues. And tbh they also smell a bit. They're also big and muscular - not a good combination tbh.

And when they go wrong, which is actually not unusual (due to lack of exercise and small children tormenting them), they go horribly wrong.

They are lovely, LOVELY dogs. But they are not as easy nor as family friendly as people make them out to be. And the breed suffers a lot from it 🙁

Well done OP and wife, I think you've thrashed this one out nicely.

@Nate757 My friend {approaching retirement } does dog sitting in his own home for wealthy people mainly in London {He lives in the country}- it gives a very good overview of dogs- he brings some here!

One of them, an Australian Labradoodle is truly an 'Angel'.

She is quiet, extremely well mannered, doesn't drool, doesn't jump up- and friend had known her for 15 years, and says of all the dogs she has been the healthiest.

She was bought when the owner's children were young- they are grown now -she hasn't put a paw wrong.

With young children, you don't want a manic dog or one who needs masses of exercise.

Also as regards size...I'd not own a dog I couldn't physically carry in an emergency {If dog should get hurt}.

Wow op that's an unexpected and amazing update, fair play to both of you.

Because in a normal size house it is ridiculous to have a dog the size of a small horse!

I know someone that had one in a normal semi. You couldn't move for dog! And the OP has a toddler.

Totally unrealistic

On that basis OP shouldn't have a sofa either! I'd rather a big, mellow dog in a big house, than a tiny dog I'm goi g to trip over.

Well done OP - sounds like you are listening to feedback, reflecting and changing behaviours which is the whole point of these boards. Significant changes on financial arrangements which is good to see, I was very concerned that you were treating your DW like I would treat my young DC in a lesson in saving and spending.

I had dogs growing up, desperately wanted one to join our family. My DH was the blocker - he never had pets growing up. I said he could choose the breed - anything bigger than a jack russell (I don't like toy breeds). He did all the research, which was vital, as he then got invested. He decided on a non-shedding Australian labradoodle - for the temperament - they were bred to be therapy dogs. We love her, she's very much my DH's dog - she adores him and he loves her. It took about 3 years for her to calm down and she's still quite bouncy, she's a wonderful addition to the family

That's a really decent update, fair play to you.

For advice, I'd discount any small/lap dogs & clearly big dogs are off the table (though I don't necessarily agree with the logic.). I'm fully versed on border collies who make phenomenal companions BUT they tend to be neurotic AF & if you get it wrong initially there's a good chance they'll snap at some point. I've 3 & one is a bite risk outside of his bubble thanks to two incidents as a puppy.

Quite honestly, a staffie. They are incredible all round dogs. Affectionate, smart, fun & very very sensitive to their humans needs. I'd have one in a heartbeat if I didn't already have a reactive collie 🙄

Great update @Nate757 . Have a look at Clumber spaniels .

Excellent. A smaller breed would be more sensible, especially as your wife is already dealing with a 1 year old. A dog with a low maintenance coat that’s easy to keep clean would be a bonus.

A dog gives you a reason why you need to go out everyday as well as ensuring you get regular exercise in a green space, which has a very positive impact on mental health. People tend to stop to say hi, even non dog owners, and you definitely get more social contact if you’re out with a dog. If you walk at a regular time you end up getting to know the people you see. I’m not saying your wife will suddenly have a circle of friends but it does help you feel more a part of the community, which also helps with mental health.

I have 2 bernese. Great with children and they don't need massive amounts of exercise, but they enjoy a good walk if you want. They don't drool much either. They are a large breed rather than a giant breed. Check them out. Trouble is they are becoming very popular so there are lots of puppy farmed pups costing a fortune and you don't want that

Good update. Especially accepting that sometimes, earning less is the right solution.

I know about 1000 families with dogs (well it seems like it) and most are cockerpoos, cavapoos or labradoodles. The poodle bit for allergen reasons and the rest for temperament. Also overall size - not too big not too small.

Your wife may want to consider that a massive dog could actually hinder her socially. A lot of people will feel nervous of a massive dog - especially if they have a toddler - in a way they won’t with a medium size dog. May not be rational but it’s true. Also it’s a lot easier to leave a smaller dog outside a shop, or in a car briefly than an enormous dog. Also consider school run etc when older - our DC’s school for example will only allow dogs in at drop off and pick up if they are carried.

However I would equally advise against the small yappy dogs!

Something to consider is how she's going to manage puppy training lessons with a baby. It's not insurmountable but needs planning.

... my DD went to regular dog training classes as a toddler strapped into her pram! Pram & seat unit were higher than a buggy... essential in a room full of bouncy pups and adolescent hooligan dogs.

Unfortunately I had to drop classes for a while once DD was around 4 to old for strapping down in a buggy and to tired for staying up late, class was 8-9 pm.
DH was working night shifts, so no help for me either!
Doing dog training with a grouchy child that wants your attention isn't fun.

Definitely something to consider for the future @Nate757.
I am an advocate for continued training class in the first 18 - 24 of a dogs life to really build that bond and learn what makes your dog truly happy.

I have bernese mountain dogs and they aren't a problem socially. German shepherds, staffies, dobermans, rhodesian ridgebacks etc are the sorts of dogs people are scared of in my experience. Not the ones with the cute teddy bear faces.

Crikey I can’t believe it took this thread for you to think about giving your wife access to the income she facilitates by living away from her family and raising your child almost alone!

Offshore engineering/ drilling?

Well done. I never understand people who trust each other to share a child, but not a bank account.....

His wife is struggling with her mental health, that doesn't make her less of a grown up. Given your complete lack of empathy and understanding I hope no one in your life need support through mental health issues because you'd make them feel like complete shit.