At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

Honestly I don't think this is about the dog. Your wife is unhappy and lonely and anxious on her own when you work away. The dog was a sticking plaster imo. Is there any possibility of moving closer to her family and friends, or working away less?

You’ve set your life up to suit you. Let her set hers up to suit her.

So patriarchal- she earns a little bit of money with her little business, while also caring for your child and house.

You were going to allow her a dog, but backed out when she had it in her arms?

Damn. I think I’d be going home to my family and letting you enjoy your house the way you like it, without me.

Stop feeling guilty and start thinking of ways you can help. Clue: they will probably involve you making compromises that you don’t especially like, eg moving back to the old area or changing your job.

A dog was never going to fix these underlying issues anyway IMO.

And share finances.

Given this you're being massively unreasonable and have fucked up majorly. Then was the time to pull out, you'd seen the breed, she did the right thing but you weren't paying enough attention to do the right thing by her. She's done a lot for you and you couldn't even be bothered to pay attention about something that was incredibly important to your wife and now she's hurting because you got her hopes up and thought she might finally start to feel more secure and less alone and then you did this to her. She's pinned her hopes on this and you smashed them. You need to find a way to support her a hell of a lot better then you currently are doing.

I'm sorry your wife is having a hard time. However, she and you need to talk about some other ways of managing her MH situation. No dog should enter the home unless both spouses are fully on board with it. I personally would hate a dog in the house.

I think she's in a bad way and has mentally latched on to the image of having a dog as her way out of this. The reality is that she's going to end up with a huge ton of extra housework and responsibilities which she's somehow got to manage together with a baby. Trying to get extra cleaning-up done while simultaneously never leaving the dog alone with the baby. Having the baby woken up by a barking dog. Attempting to push a pram one-handed (or manage a wobbly walking toddler) while a dog pulls and pulls at the lead during walks.

I agree with you that a big dog and a baby isn’t ideal, to me at least - I know everyone is different but I wouldn’t want this either and a dog is a huge commitment. However the ‘paying for it from her money’ comment is unfair, it’s a household expensive and I doubt she’s rolling in cash.

Your wife has made so many sacrifices for you and your career and in return you are borderline abusive. I would say it’s financial abuse to make her spend her entire earnings on a family pet that she wants because you are away for about 2/3 of the month and you moved her away from everyone she knows even though she has mental health issues. You were then emotionally abusive by going along with it all the way until she held the puppy in her arms just to the pull the rug from under her feet. I have a feeling her mental health would improve greatly if she didn’t have such a dick of a husband.

The fact that she left the breeders without the dog shows the balance of the relationship, I don’t know any woman who would walk out of a breeders empty handed after everything g she had done for you, moving away from her family and friends, having very little income and also having your baby.

You must rule the roost.

My feeling (which could be wrong as this is only a snapshot) is that she is depressed because you are 100% in charge and she has been worn down by you and what you want. Even at her lowest point, you couldn’t ‘give in’ to her. You knew she would be devastated but you did it anyway. What about what she wants?

Reasonable to not want a dog. Not reasonable to neglect your wife's needs.

She's struggling with her mental health, a baby and no support network. Add to that a callous husband who said she could have a dog that she had to pay for solely from her small earnings, her only independence from you, and then ripped that away from her.

You need to reconsider your job and what position you have put her into. Or she needs to leave you.

After the puppy thing, I'd be gone. YTA.

I think sounds entirely like a reverse.

As for the dog, your wife obviously hasn’t owned one as an adult and there’s no guarantee she will raise one to be like her childhood dog. Especially when she is busy looking after 1 year old child and home😀

I think there needs to be compromise.

There's clearly relationship issues here. Seems like it’s not working out very well.

I grew up a great dane, he slept on my bed and was my constant companion.

My son has MH issues and our 2 dogs have the been amazing for him. They just offer love. He's trained them and they helped him during dark times.

Its sounds like your wife has supported you - now is the time to return the favour.

YABU to leave 90% of everything to her. I doubt she signed up to in effect being a single parent without her support network. When exactly are you going to step up and support your wife and your child, so you not prioritise them over a job?

She is lonely without support and you then decide to Vito the dog at the last minute. I would suggest you get your priorities in order sharp. What is your intention of she gets overwhelmed and becomes sick?

Christ op! What do you sacrifice for the family? It seems as though your wife is struggling and compromising left, right and centre and you’re calling all the shots to me. Why did you need to move ‘for work’ and ‘for your family’ when you’re not at home more than 50% of the time? It was an absolute sick move to say no when you went to collect the pup- and I say that very much as a ‘non dog’ person. It was on you to do the research ahead of time, properly.

YANBU about having second thoughts about a breed of dog. That's a valid concern.

You are being an absolute dickhead for the following:
*Moving her away from her support network when you are going to be abroad / travelling for a significant amount of time. Why didn't you stay near her family and you commute?
*Making her pay 'from her own money' for a dog which will give her love and companionship. You're married, you should be a team. A dog is part of the family and should be a family expense. Stop being a fucking miser. Finances should be shared BTW, particularly when you are the major breadwinner. I hope you are not financially abusing her.

Of course she is depressed / anxious. She's by herself, solo parenting for significant periods of time with no support network. Do you know how isolating parenting a young child is?

Why the hell did you move?

I suppose you've probably done her a favour long term @Nate757 as when she packs up and moves herself and your child away from the sad and lonely home you leave her in, it'll be much easier without a large breed dog in tow.

I hope she finds herself somewhere happier where she is loved and supported and not so isolated and financially abused.

I thought it was bad when you said she could pay for the upkeep out of her small earnings, but to go and collect the pup and then change your mind is a really horrible thing to do.

What are you going to do to help your wife now?

Looking at it from your wife's point of view, she's given up her home and her support network for your job. She now spends 50% of her time as a single parent with a small child, isolated, anxious & depressed.
You can bet she started her 'little job' because she's struggling for money too - does she have access to family finances? Who pays for food, baby's clothing, activities etc? Please don't tell me she has to pay for it out of her own money.
A marriage is a team. You work together, you support each other. If one of you is having a hard time you talk about it and change things to make it better.
In our house if this had happened I'd be asking my husband to look for a new job that didn't have any travel, or I'd be moving back to nearer my family/friends etc. If money was an issue I'd be asking to access half the family income. Without his support to raise his child I'd leave him and claim child support instead. You can't just leave a mother to do this all by herself.
Ps the dog is irrelevant - the woman is desperately lonely and just wants some company. Getting a dog won't help though as it will bring its own problems which will make the main problem worse unless you address it.

This. If it was me then I’d have been coming home with a puppy and leaving the op behind. I don’t know what more she could have done to acquaint and educate him on the breed. His reasons for not wanting one are valid. But to say yes to the point she’s picked the puppy, potentially put a deposit down, bought all its things, at least mentally picked a name, drove there to collect it, and then had to not only get so fucking let down, but had to go through the mortifying experience of letting the breeder down to which would have made her look like a total dick, I’m surprised if she doesn’t have a breakdown at this point. She is fully aware of this breed and commitment, and I completely disagree with the pps saying that your childhood dogs are different as your parents cared for them. I was always the main carer to every pet we had when I was growing up, my parents fed the dogs in the morning and that was it. I spent my days walking, brushing, playing with and training the dogs. I put far more into them than my parents ever did, and I definitely think this could help her mental health

Yes I was thinking this on the cost side.Dogs are expensive. We have a large dog, and she currently costs £175 per month for the basics so Thai is not including groomers or treats. I believe St Bernard’s are considered extra large dogs so will be more expensive not just in terms of food per months but there is also additional charges for everything dog related based on size. So for example, pet insurance, vet bills standard vaccine costs, monthly worming and flea treatments, groomers also charge based on size of the dog.

You said that your wife has previously had a St Bernard. Was this as a child or as an adult? It makes a big difference! I February this year we had our first dog as adults but always had dogs growing up. The first 3 months of having a puppy move in are very difficult. I consider myself to have good mental health but I did have a couple of times where I found things super stressful cried from Over tiredness. I was needing to take the puppy out to the back garden on the hour every hour for the toilet during her waking hours and needed to set an alarm to take to dog out early ours to the toilet a couple of times in the night. This is on top of everything else in life carrying on as usual. With a toddler already, on the hour toileting is a big commitment!

Dogs are brilliant companions as adults and when trained well. But going through the general behaviour training and toilet training it is super hard so this I think should be considered if your wife’s mental health is not good at the moment.

I don’t really know what to suggest and my message might be a bit doom and gloom but i think important to highlight the reality of a puppy. Like I said, dog are wonderful when adults, but super hard work as pups

Guilt does her no good at all, what are you actually going to do to support her in turn like she supported you by moving away? Do you have any idea what it's like to live with anxiety? To be terrified to the point you can't sleep or think? Your wife has trauma over being alone, she said a big dog will help alleviate this, you don't want a big dog even though that is the support your wife needs. If she fears what will happen when she's alone it makes sense a big dog will help where a little one won't. A very small amount of empathy would lead you to that conclusion. I struggle to understand how you can sit by and having put her in this position where she has no support and she is scared and refuse to do the one thing she needs. There are big breeds that are lovely and gentle, spend some time do some research on BIG breeds, go to her with some options. Your wife is living isolated in a situation that causes debilitating anxiety for YOU. You need to support her back.

Is this for real? You expected her to pay from her 'little business' after she's sacrificed so much for you and is caring for your child. This is punishing her for having something she wants. Thoroughly unpleasant.

Just to add too that I grew up with big dogs and hated small ones. I had such a cliché image of their personalities. OH and I agreed to have a dog but he was clear that he would only go for a small one so I started to pay more attention to them and started to see that they could be very sweet and full of personality too.

We now have a small dog and I really can't imagine ever have a big one. Small dogs are sooooo much easier in so many ways.

Hmm not guilty enough to make an attempt to meet them though. I can also see that you have ignored all the comments pointing out that you’re only home 50% of the time and your wife is struggling on her own when you’re away. If I were your wife, I too would be resentful.

Her MH hasn't deteriorated, she's pulling away from you because you've hurt her feelings dreadfully.

I cannot bear when mental health issues are used to describe perfectly rational consequences - maybe the next step is getting her sectioned for hysteria, eh?

Your wife is (choose freely):

Lonely
Angry
Embarrassed (no dealer is going to take her seriously by the way after that little performance)
Bewildered
Mistrustful of you/feeling like she's been gaslit
Isolated
Angry again
Feeling like she isn't part of a partnership
Dealing with issues in her past that are made worse by being on her own for around 20 nights of the month.

If you want to wrap that up in 'poor MH' then crack on my dude. All I see is a woman who is responding perfectly rationally to the situation she finds herself in.

Oh I forgot potentially financially abused, and also belittled for the financial contribution she does make.