At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

It's really great you've taken that on board and making changes , I hope this really helps things and you have a long happy marriage ahead.

Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money

I hope your new outlook is genuine because this is one of the most petty, horrendous things I've read on here. As if your wife doesn't do fucking enough, you would really be so ridiculous and tight?

Golden retrievers are lovely family dogs but will need much more exercise than a SB. a Burmese is also a lovely breed. The advantage of those large breeds is that they aren’t high energy.

The things that stood out to me: you would "let" her get a dog if she used her own little income for it. Condescending and controlling. You "pulled her aside" when picking out.a puppy you agreed she could have the one thing she's said would help with her anxiety issues and you said nope, you can't have that puppy. Again, controlling and acting unilaterally like you are in charge of her, like you are her boss, like the little lady making her little bits of money from her cute little job are just a little fun money for her and aren't you being so charitably indulgent in even considering "letting" her get a dog. Sorry but that's the feeling I got reading your first post.

I've read your followups and I'm not all that impressed. You say you "love her very much". Honestly, that's the least I would expect and the words are pretty hollow in the face of the severe disappointment you've caused her.

i know you say you know you've been very unreasonable, but I'm not sure you understand that the degree to which you've failed her might in the future affect her ability to trust you, and that it will cause her additional anxiety.

So you're still adamant that she pays 50% of dog expenses from her meager income? If so, it sure seems like you're treating her like a child and not a coequal partner.

Yep they really just don't care. I can vouch for that 🤣

Small dogs might not take up the whole of a house but they require lots of walking and are easier to trip over. Each to their own. I prefer not having a high energy dog.

Small dogs might not take up the whole of a house but they require lots of walking and are easier to trip over. Each to their own. I prefer not having a high energy dog.

You are leaving her alone to care for your child. The least you can do is pay for the dog if her choice in full.

You should also consider combining finances. No ‘my money vs your money’ just our money.

Nice update - however what’s jumped out to me is that you were at the point of picking the puppy up and I’m assuming had not got anything for it? Food, a crate, possibly a ramp for the car as it’s a giant breed, blanket's, toys etc?

This makes me think that neither of you are as ready for a dog as you say you are.

I don't think either of them are ready for a dog. The wife is hanging onto a childhood fantasy rather than the reality of the present. It's pretty common for people with anxiety/mental health issues to think that if only they had x, y or z everything would be better. The dog will not solve her problems and will most likely exacerbate them. I really am fearful for the dog in this scenario but unfortunately anyone can buy a dog.

Loads of people just go to petsathome with a new pup in arms and buy everything they need in one go.

He is actually away about 50% of the time according to him and abroad 7-10 days at a time. My guess is he isn't home even half of the time.

@Nate757 Honestly, if I was your wife; the next time you came home, it would be to an empty house and I'd be back with my friends and family. You've already shown that going back on your promises/word is easy for you.

If I wanted a large dog, I would not choose a St B, because of the drooling. I'd choose an Irish Wolfhound or Scottish Deerhound, or one like that. No large dog has a long lifespan, which I am sure she knows and most all have health problems that have developed over the years.

I didn't get to vote in the poll but YABVVVVVVU and dickish

I see you are more open to a dog now and are going to see if you can work less away for a bit. If you mean that, that is good. There are a lot of larger dogs out there that are a bit easier than a St B. Irish Water Spaniel, Briard, Giant Schnauzer, Portuguese Water Dog (a bit like a St. B in looks) and too many others to name. I would mainly look at temperament and exercise needs, along with health risks and any dog you pick make sure they have checked for any inherited gene disorders.

Okay, my Ted Talk is over.....{blush}

I just hope you keep your word, this time.

A Portuguese Water Dog is nothing like a SB.

LOL! I guess not! I thought I had seen a pic on FB where they looked a bit alike. Obviously, I have the wrong dog. It's cute though! 😊

That's a DOH on me!

Now I have to try and think of what dog it was on FB that looked like a SB.

Possibly a Newfoundland-they like water. Sometimes used to rescue people.

@Nanaof1 Possibly a Leonberger?

@CoffeeBeansGalore and @magicmushrooms This was multi-colored, maybe tricolored? Big, like the ones you posted, but white, brown and maybe tan or black?
Thank you for the help. It's driving me a big crazy (though it's a short trip).

Burmese mountain dog?

Bernese Mountain Dog?
The breed of dog really isn't the issue in this relationship.

Wasn’t the question. 🙄

That's it! I went and looked at the picture and that's it. Thank you!

I did not mean at all to hijack the thread, so extra thanks for helping me figure it out.
@TheInebriati I know it wasn't the issue. Well, it was mine, but not the OP's. Hopefully, they will work out a compromise.

Can I just clarify please that it's a BERNESE mountain dog, not a Burmese. Burma is in Asia. Bernese are from Switzerland. As a Bernese owner (I have had 4), we like to get the word out that these hugely furry dogs do not come from the jungle!

Thanks! I didn't even notice that. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was Bernese. I'll blame my fading eyesight on not noticing the spelling.

They are so pretty and I am totally jealous that you have one!

Heard of auto check?

That doesn't help people reading it tbf.