At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

veto

To be fair to the OP I can see how a lot of this may have happened by accident

It sounds like he wasn’t working away when they moved - this has changed since the move (hence should now consider a move back, but not awful to have moved in the first place)

Paying for the dog - we have no idea whether they share finances generally or not. It may be they do share generally, but he said pay for the dog because he didn’t really want the dog so this was intended to discourage (wrong approach but not exactly financial abuse as some are saying)

Changing mind at puppy pick up time - not great emotionally obviously but I can see someone wanting to say yes and convincing themselves it would be ok until faced with reality of large dog in a house (at a show maybe felt different)

The important thing is that OP sees how things have turned out for his wife, why she feels miserable, and makes some life changes now.

I own one - she's 60kgs adult weight. They're lovely dogs to have in the family home. Once past the puppy stage you find they'll lounge around wherever you are in the house.

I wouldn't be put off by the size. I know it's easy for me to say, but the temperament of these dogs is perfect for families.

My Saint has been around small children and isn't a worry. She loves other dogs and people in general.

I say let your DW have the dog especially as she's familiar with this breed. They're very very easy going dogs. Incredibly laid back.

People suggesting the OP's wife volunteers at a shelter - what is she meant to do with her 1 year old when she has moved to a place with no family, friends or support?

As for suggesting she gets a job - do we think OP is going to pay for childcare?

You are being VERY unreasonable. You are away for most of the time. Let her have the dog. And why be such a tight arse making her pay for it. Stop being a twat before she dumps your miserable arse.

If you were my partner you'd end up coming home to a puppy 😂 you're barely at home, and if she's experienced in the breed let her have one

God, you are a shit husband!
Leaving most of the work to her, being pretty much absent but still wanting a massive input in how she runs the family life. Making her pay for the dog food out of her personal money 🙄 and then to pull out when you’re visiting the breeder to select a puppy?!

This.

she would be getting a dog to help with her MH and anxiety. That’s a medical issue which should be covered by your shared finances, especially if she’s a SAHM.

get her a dog, cover AT LEAST half the bills.

Just imagine how much you’d have to pay if your wife couldn’t continue to look after your shared child due to her deteriorating MH. Do you know how much a FT nanny and housekeeper cost? A dog is comparatively cheap!!

I agree, maybe not about being bratty, but it’s a ridiculous dog to get with a soon to be toddler. Can you imagine walking miles in all weather with a pushchair and a dog the size of a Shetland pony?
I think the wife would very soon regret it.
Might have been a dickish move to change his mind when he did, but that was far better than taking that dog home.

I'm sure she doesn't see the dog as a handbag. She grew up with one so she knows exactly what's involved and she is on her own most of the time so she should have the dog she wants. Just because it's a big dog doesn't make her unreasonable. She knows the breed

@Nate757

yeah mate, you've been thoughtless, uncaring & unkind.

you made her move away from her friends & family for your job, yet you're away more than 50% of the time.

AND you then play the MY money card. That's entirely SHIT, she's looking after YOUR baby. The wages are equally hers.

I love dogs, but I wouldn't want a St Bernard (they're gorgeous, but I can't deal with their slobber) but I wouldn't say 'yes' without putting some actual thought into it!! I'd NEVER tell someone yes, then pull out when we're collecting the puppy. That's not just asshole, that's cruel.

what worries me even more about that situation though, she was too scared to tell you to fuck off, no way was she not taking the puppy home.

shes either scared of you or scared for her security within the relationship.

You need to stop seeking approval from randoms on the internet & up your game.

It's NOT your money,
You are NOT The Boss.

What is the practical difference in your mind between a small dog and a big dog, if you're okay with one and not the other. Presumably it's not about the hair or the mess or the need to take it on walks or anything else - it's something related to the actual size of the animal? Is your house small? Can you pinpoint what is a size of dog you'd be okay with and what is the size you say no to, and then think about a dog 5kg heavier or 5% larger and assess why is that a no? It might help you understand what the issue actually is or if this is a knee-jerk thing you can't actually rationalise.

Also: why are your finances like this, why are you financially controlling the mother of your child who stays home to look after your child enabling you to work away all the time, leaving her alone with no support, having made her move away from her friends and family to enable you to work, what is your problem mate, just re-read your post again and think through what she has to put up with and then you pull dick moves like reneging on agreements for her to have a pet when she's holding the puppy she wants. If you did that to a child you would mentally scar them for life.

What a tricky situation. I feel for you both.

I am a large dog lover and currently have a greyhound who is on the bigger size for his breed. I prefer a large dog for many reasons but mostly because I enjoy the characteristics of his breed / type. I will always have a greyhound and just couldn't imagine anything different .

That said ... having a large dog does come with its difficulties . Firstly they will be more expensive in terms of feed , vets bills , bedding/blankets etc . You need to take into consideration the size of your house and garden and whether they are so big they might knock little people off their feet by accident.

Then you have to think about the size of your car. A bigger dog needs bigger boot space so he can travel with you . If you have a baby then they are going to need a buggy to fit in the car too. So it can get tricky .

Our greyhound is also in his latter stages and now needs lifted / carried up steep stairs which I rely on my husband to help with . If you're not around all the time then your wife needs to think about the practicalities . I'm not saying she can't make it work but bigger breeds do need some consideration so I understand your perspective just as much as I can empathise with your wife .

We have had a LOT of dogs over the years. Adopted, some fostered, lots of looking after other peoples dogs, and I am of the opinion that EVERYONE in the house has to agree on it to make it fair and successful for everyone involved.

However, I have also been in the same position as your wife. I moved away from friends and family to my DHs home, had children in quick succession and had no external support here at all. My DH worked abroad for more than 50% of the time, even moving abroad for three years to work at one point. Partly because of that he completely understood my situation and he would not have dreamed of not compromising and putting me first in this situation. Your wife has already compromised a lot for you.

Can you imagine walking miles in all weather with a pushchair and a dog the size of a Shetland pony?

St Bernard’s don’t need miles of walking. In fact it would be bad for their health.

Why did you move for your career when you spend so much time abroad? And previously had the option to WFH?

anyhow, she made a massive sacrifice for your career. Now she feels isolated due to having lost her network of friends of family. Buy her the dog she wants, cover at least half the cost. Time to give back to her!

and remember how lucky you are that your wife is still fit to care for your little girl despite her MH struggles. You’d be looking at bills for a FT nanny, housekeeper etc otherwise! Paying for her dog will be cheaper!

So you got your wife to move away from her support network, THEN announced that you were suddenly going to be working away for most of the time? Be honest - how much did you discuss this decision with her and rely on her input to make it?

If I were your wife, I'd be wondering why TF I'd had to move away for your job when your job is clearly not location-dependent. In fact I'd be wondering if you had deliberately engineered it to isolate me. And I cannot stress enough that whether you meant it or not, that is the effect of the move followed by change of working pattern.

You say she has to pay for the dog out of her own meagre earnings - what else does her "own" money have to cover? Are you aware that financial abuse is considered a form of domestic abuse?

(My ex husband pulled a similar stunt on me over a dog, but he didn't let it go anywhere near as far as you did and it was still a massive disappointment. I can't imagine how your poor wife felt having the puppy of her dreams taken away at the last second.)

I agree that it says a lot about the balance of power in the relationship that she felt she had to submit meekly to your wishes.

You need to cop on to yourself pdq, or you'll be coming home to an empty house and a note on the kitchen table.

A dog isn't a sticking plaster. Why are you so far away from her friends and family if you are away so
much? Can you move back to an area she knows people? It seems crazy to move for your job seeing as you are abroad so much.

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This

He can watch his child. He's abroad 50% of the time. He can prioritize making time to watch his dc when he is home so his wife can do something for herself to improve her quality of life.

THIS ⬆️

A one year old and a large breed that is going to cannon into a toddler is insanity.

You want her to compromise on feeling safe ? You really have no concept of what it's like to be scared in your own home. She's scared and lonely. Just think about that. The woman you love and who has already given you so much is scared and lonely because of decisions made by you.

You not liking big dogs pales into insignificance when compared to her needs. Why don't you compromise and tolerate this dog for the few days when you are home ?

If the roles were reversed and a stay at home husband (SAHH) wanted a beeeg dog as a solution to his MH problems and anxiety, everyone on here would be telling OP to LTB and how selfish he is not to work, to impose a massive commitment on her, and how he doesn’t appreciate HER SACRIFICE TO WORK AWAY FROM HOME JUST SO THAT HE CAN BE A SAHH.

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YANBU but it’s the wrong forum to ask. Most people on here are heavily biased.

Apart from everything else, a large and badly trained dog is a legal liability. They’re hard to train and not as soft towards strangers and other dogs as often portrayed. Your wife grew up with one, not all of them, and that dog might have been an outlier.

Why are you making her pay? She’s already bearing the burden of you being away so much. She’s helping you to have a family life ready for you on the days you are back at home.

Greys are indeed large, But nothing like a St Bernard.. A heavy, drooling breed...

Greys are tall and elegant...a St Bernard is a massive hairy beast.