At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

He's abroad more than 50% of the time and then still working when he's home though. I agree he needs to step up in many, many ways - that set up isn't sustainable.

Not a chance would I have a dog that size in a home. Anyway why not compromise and agree to a smaller, well trained, good with kids dog until child gets older, then reconsider getting the St.Bernard then.

If wife has a strop (notwithstanding her anxiety issues etc.), then she is not meeting you half way really. Now that could be the case either husband or wife so I'm not getting at her because she is at home more than you.

Mine is a multi faceted response…

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to not want a St Bernard tbh. They are huge, hairy, slobbery dogs and as much as I love dogs I can’t imagine sharing my house with of these.

I would have said you were unreasonable if you’d said no to getting a dog at all, especially as you’re not there much.

I think you’re completely unreasonable making her pay for a dog entirely out of her own money if she only earns a few hundred quid a month and can’t work more because you’re not there to support her in parenting.

You've realllllllllly gone about this the wrong way and you need to take action (not just say you feel guilty!) to fix this or your marriage isn't going to last long.

A giant breed is not the solution, by itself, to your wifes mental health issues.

Nor in fact, is any dog, but a giant breed that takes 3 years to mature and probably won't see 9 years old, will cost hundreds a month in insurance, and in food, before you even consider the equipment, the training costs, the vehicle (yeah you do need a vehicle the dog will fit in and can get in)... etc, is a horrible idea at this point.

Move back to where she has a support network - if you're working away half the time you don't need to live near to your work any more.

Fix your attitude to money - she doesn't work in order that YOU can, so money you earn is for both of you, not just you!

Then revisit the dog thing - get her to talk to dog people, St Bernards are lovely, but as others have pointed out, growing up with a breed where another adult does all the care, the work, the paying for it, is NOT the same as having that breed in your own home.

There are other large breeds that are far more suitable, far healthier and less exorbitant to 'run', easier to train and manage. Perhaps if she met some (and top tip, meet a breed IN someones home, not at a show. You do not get the full idea of how big they actually are until its inside a house!).

The worst mistake people make with dogs is getting a certain breed because they previously had one in the past and thinking it will be the same..

They are NEVER the same, and often time it negatively affects the relationship with the dog, because they aren't living up to the expectations of their owners rose tinted past, through no fault of their own.

But if she is the one that is going to do the care for it and knows the demands of the breed then I think you should let her get one personally, the dog food should come out of family money though.. how utterly selfish to insist otherwise.

It sounds as if you didn't give agreeing to getting a dog much thought, your wife knows the breed and even took you to meet some at a show. That shows me she is responsible in her choice. Only she knows if she can cope with a small baby, a puppy and her job.
I think that a compromise is needed and it should have been a conversation long before your wife got to the choosing a puppy stage.

When my mental health was not just bad but awful the only reason I went out was because I had to walk the dog other wise I wouldn’t have gone out.
If she didn’t know the breed I would have said is there a compromise ? But she does know the breed and has set her heart on it bless her, if I were you I would ring up the breeder ASAP and bring the puppy home as a surprise.
What I would compromise on is paying for the food etc, which to me just seems petty and childish, I would do this on the proviso that she takes it to puppy classes which would be a good way for her to maybe meet some new people and train the dog.

If it brings your wife JOY and a feeling of security isn’t it worth putting aside your misgivings.

Frankly, it doesn't sound like your wife is in the right place to take on this HUGE responsibility.

And no dog should be brought into a home where they're not wanted by all the residents.

Sounds like she's trying to fill a void in her life with this poor animal, minimising that it'll be like having a second young child that will cost a pretty penny when things go wrong (health-wise).

My take on it too.

St Bernard - too big. Labradors are great family dogs and are not 'small' and are also much lower maintenance than a St Bernard. (I have one - love of my life!)

Don't make her pay for the dog! It's not 'her' dog, it's a family dog. Also if she earns £200 a month she won't have much left after paying for said dog.

Also, is there a job you could do that wouldn't take you away from your wife so much when she's struggling? No wonder she's finding it tough, she's a single parent most of the time.

Sounds like she’s given up a lot for you. I would never move away from friends and family for my husband’s job. I just wouldn’t. Being a SAHM to a young baby is also bloody tough, especially as you’re away for so long.

I’d go back, get the puppy and surprise her. She sounds like she deserves it.

I think your wife wants a dog she grew up with because she subconsciously misses being a child with no responsibilities.

She clearly needs help and support but a giant dog is not a solution. She’ll most likely be disappointed because the dog won’t be capable of fulfilling what she really wants and you’ll end up having to re home it (not easy).

Echoing what a lot of other posters have said. Not wanting a St Bernard is reasonable. How you went about it, and your attitude in general isn't great.

You seem to only prioritise your needs and wants OP and I wonder if you ever really think about how it must be for your wife. If you care about her, you need to do better and actually do something practical to help her instead of being passive and 'feeling guilty' while watching her mental health suffer. I feel sorry for your wife.

I think some compromise is needed here on your part. You are away 50% of the time, she isn't - she needs something to help with her nightime anxiety and a St Bernard is what she knows. She is paying for it's upkeep and taking responsibility for it, I think you may have to suck up the 'I don't want to live with a big dog' thing. You never know, you might even like it eventually! Frankly though, as you aren't there all the time, I think your wife needs to have the say on this one.

Regardless of the dog, I think you're being very unreasonable to leave your wife alone half the time in a new area, that she moved to for you, to raise your 1 year old, when she has from the sound of it previous trauma related to being alone at home. I think the whole job and living situation requires a rethink.

What I’m reading here is that you removed your wife from her support network, are home fewer days than away and are admitting to being financially controlling. The woman has developed mental health issues and you’re bickering about a dog. The way you went about the dog is also cruel. In her position, she should return home to her family, who wants what’s best for her, get some therapy and decide what’s best for her.

All of this! I think, OP, you're being breathtakingly selfish. Legit unsettled by how thoughtless your post is.

You’re lucky she only wants a dog. I’d want a new DH

Dog owner and dog lover here. Its very very different being brought up with a dog of any breed and bringing one up yourself and I think if you are going to bring any pet into a family then ALL the adults have to want it and know about how to bring one up. Anything else is unfair on the dog and in this situation, the dog would be my main concern as its the one with no choice. I believe that your wife genuinely believes it would help her mental health but believe me it won't. Scooping up elephant sized poo, training a huge rambunctious puppy (ALL puppies are rambunctious) and keeping a one year old safe around a huge pup who does not know its huge....not good for anyone's mental health! I also don't think either having that breed as a child or wanting one for anxiety about being alone in the house are good reasons to get a dog, let alone a St Bernard. I get why you pulled out and that it was probably best for the dog but it wasn't a great move but then neither was moving away from her family because of your employment. I really think you need to both do a sort your life out do over, your wife needs proper support and treatment for her anxiety, including your support and support from her family. Anything else is heading for a trainwreck.

oh god do not do this SAHM is hard enough. SAHM with a 1 year old and an elephant pup? really really bad.

Exactly this. Childhood memories when positive are wonderful. They are not always a suitable reality in adulthood

she doesn't know the breed. She was brought up with one which is totally different from being the adult in charge and raising a pup yourself.

My husband didn't want a St Bernard then we saw a couple of breeders and met adult sized ones first and all the family loved them.

Guess who our Saint goes to all the time? Yep, DH! He thinks the world of her and is glad we viewed this breed.

It's a breed he hadn't considered. I suggested it. We always keep an open mind.

Hi OP Just a few things.
Saint Bernards are not guard dogs at all.
A one year old and a big puppy to train, socialise and walk is a really hard combination.
It wont be housetrained. Big poos and wees to clean up as well as nappies and bottles for baby.
Puppies chew and play bite so you may not want it trying to 'play' with a baby.
The dog you get as an adult, even the same breed, is not the same dog as your beloved dog you grew up with we all look back with rose tinted specs on.
If someone very anxious gets a dog then sometimes the dog can also become a bit neurotic as a result.
How will she hold onto it when it sees a squirrel and she is pushing the pram.
Can she fullfill its needs, they are strong water dogs. Do you have somewhere it can swim? Do you live near a dog friendly beach or river etc.
Lastly, a St Bernard will cost a lot more than £200 per month.
Neutering will be about £400 and there's insurance, worm and flea, holiday pet sitting, food, its a huge cost.

Why are so many people saying he "stole her away from her support network". That's what you do when you have your own family. You move away from home to better the family you've made sometimes. It happens. Yes it's hard, but he's hardly locking her in the basement.

There's more going on here than just her choice of dog. And you are totally unreasonable.