At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

While I do understand your reluctance to get such a large dog, you've gone about it in such a terrible way. Telling her that she has to pay for its maintenance when she doesn't have much money is not fair at all. She's sacrificed such a lot to allow you to have your job - she've moved away from her support network with a small child, she's at home with your dd which means she's not earning, while you have the flexibility to have a job that takes you away from home - how would you manage if she didn't stay at home?

Then you agreed to a dog, and even let her go as far as going to collect a puppy. I'd be furious with you. I think you've actually been quite cruel to her.

I do think everyone has to be on board when you get a dog. But how did you let it get to this stage if you weren't sure? Is there some compromise that you could come to between you? Perhaps a larger breed, but not as big as a St Bernard? Labrador or similar? How would you both feel about that?

On the one hand I know that no one has to agree to a pet.

But your dw is alone a lot, she really wants this, and you got as far as meeting the puppy? We're your cold feet really worth more than the massive upset you've caused someone you're meant to love?

I agree with all of this.

She’s viewing the dog as the solution to all her mental health problems which is very unwise. Other solutions need to be considered.

What happens if her mental health declines further and then she’s got this huge drooling dog to look after which will probably restrict her movement more? She may know the breed but the particular dog she gets may end up being harder to train than previous dogs she’s had.

I also think if you do all agree to get a dog the money for food/vet etc should come from household /joint money.

I don’t agree with the ones who say because you’re only there 50% it doesn’t matter if you don’t like the dog. 50% is a huge chunk of time! And even if it was less than 50% surely whenever someone is back home they should be relaxed rather than feeling out of place due to a massive dog? What if something were to happen to the person who wants the dog and the other would need to step into look after it? You need to be prepared for all circumstances which is why no-one should have a dog their partner or child isn’t keen on.

All of this.

It's all about your career. Get the puppy. Maybe even surprise her with the puppydon't shoot me mumsnet

I'll change that, surprise her with a trip to choose one.

Do you think it’s fair for your struggling wife to be alone so much?

You need a wholesale look at your family setup.

I have zero interest in being a parent who never sees their husband. If my DH tried this we’d have some serious problems.

FWIW I think you should reflect on whether it’s the volume of dog or the space it will take up that you’re worried about. I have a dog much smaller in volume than a SB but it is so bouncy and excitable that a calmer SB would take up less room in the house. In fact, we often think next time we will get a bigger calmer breed of dog because of this.

Not wanting a dog at your house is completely valid. I don’t think you should be railroaded into getting one. But your wife’s needs sound neglected.

Completely agree.

St Bernard's are incredibly loving, mine adored our children and others. Bit clingy but with enough exercise are fantastic companions.

Your wife spends a huge amount of time alone with no support network around her because of you.

She prepped you, she has previous experience of this breed, she agreed to shoulder all the costs, picked the puppy. Then you at the last minute when she had pup in her arms said no. What the hell have you done to her? The woman you are supposed to love. The woman who looks after your child & home so you can go off to work for days at a time without having to think about your domestic life.

You need to have a serious think about what an incredibly selfish act that was & what you can do to improve your actions and attitude and make sure you are never so callous again.

I think you're both being unreasonable. Growing up with a st Bernard is totally different to being an adult owner of one while you have a 1 year old. Did she do crate training, house training, general training to stop this huge dog jumping around? I assume not if she just grew up with one. She remembers having little responsibility for her beloved dog and also the years beyond the puppy stage.

Puppies are a ton of work. Big breeds grow quickly and continue with puppy brain/excitement and silliness for longer while still being massive. I got a dog half the size with two primary aged school children and they're forever getting pushed around, jumped on, mouthed because 1 year on we are still working on these things as he goes through different developmental phases. I can't even imagine doing this with a tiny toddler who the dog will dwarf in no time.

She is being naive and your reasons for backing out are based on your size preferences alone so you're no better.

I agree with this. I don't want to be pushed into getting a dog I don't want but I also see that my wife's needs aren't being met and I feel terribly guilty for that

Normally I would say that every adult needs to be in agreement about getting a dog, and that toddlers and puppies are a pretty bad mix and it's better to wait until youngest is school age (as they are much more capable by then of following instructions not to annoy the puppy)

I think you were an utter shit to agree to the dog to the very point of picking up the puppy, and then pull out whilst actually collecting it.

I think your attitude to family finances stinks.

I think your DW needs significant help, and NOW.

She's given up her entire support network to support you. What are you prepared to do to support her? Your posts don't suggest anything. Not even getting a bigger breed than your personal preference (it's not going to be you looking after it, is it?)

If she were posting, I'd still be sounding a note of caution about getting a puppy right now. But I would be telling her to think about moving back to where she feels more supported, and getting the dog a bit later. And getting greater financial independence, so her spending isn't controlled by your whim.

Well guilt isn’t going to help. What are you going to do?

Your wife needs a job rather than a pet if she is that isolated.
And I say that as a dog owner.

You need to change your job, step up and be a partner to her. Your money is her money, I bet you expect her to by tampons and lightbulbs with money from her "little job" too.

I think you are hardly even there so I’m surprised she let you cancel the puppy at that late stage once she had it in her arms.

It sounds like your wife is the one doing all the compromises, she sounds lonely and depressed. I don’t think a dog is the answer, do you need to live in such an isolated place for her?

where do you think this is going to end up?

Practically speaking, once fully grown, will the dog fit in your house and in your car? Is your wife physically strong and able-bodied?

Oh and our decision was done as a couple and we both put the effort into the considerable exercise, training and caring for it.

Absolutely everyone in the house needs to be 100% on board with wanting a dog, especially a giant breed. It is not something you do because one person likes the idea. Growing up with a dog is VERY different to owning one and being responsible for all its needs. Dogs are a huge commitment.

You were wrong to let it get to the point of visiting the puppy if you did not actively want a dog too, but not wrong to walk away.

How is anyone going to get time to training the pup and walk in all weathers with a 1 year old child in tow and you away most of the time? House training can be intensive, socialising the dog, training classes, daily walks, daily mental stimulation, keeping the bitey puppy and toddler separated. We lost our labrador last year and he cost us more than £200/month just for food/insurance/worming/fleas/vacs/walkers 3 days a week. A giant breed will be more.

I think something needs to change in your family setup as your wife is isolated and suffering because of that. The answer is not a giant dog!

The things that stood out were nothing to do with the dog, you moved away leaving your wife with no support for YOUR job and now you're away half the month, also making her agree to cover all dog costs out of her few hundred a month.
I'm sorry but you sound very thoughtless and selfish, everything if what suits you.

she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month

I don't think you are very nice.

I don't think YABU to not want a big dog. Both sides have to be onboard, and reach a compromise.

I especially don't think a puppy is a good idea to throw into the mix with depression and a toddler.

I think YABU to uproot her away from home, and leave her isolated while she's suffering with her mental health though, can you move back?

You are not unreasonable not to want a St Bernard, you were unreasonable to pull out so late in proceedings.

I actually think your wife is underestimating the detrimental effect of such a large puppy on her mental health, particularly with your work taking you away from home for long periods of time and a soon-to-be toddler who’ll be hitting the terrible twos.

There is training, walking, grooming, feeding, vets appointments and lots of extra cleaning to take into consideration. As well as refereeing a teething, playful puppy and a baby/toddler. I think she’s looking at this through rose tinted specs.

A St B cross might be a compromise that will suit the family better.

but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them
There is a big difference between growing up with a dog, when in all likelihood, the parents were the carer of the dog and your interventions as a child was to give it cuddles and maybe the occasional walk, and become the main carer and having to take full responsibility of it.