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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband 'needs'

264 replies

NeedyOne · 03/07/2024 04:13

An argument with DH about his needs not being met, the usual needs men demand. Sex.
I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection. His reply is that it's apparently all about me, my needs are always first and his never matter.

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage. I asked why he thinks it's ok to demand his needs are met but I'm apparently unreasonable to ask for him to spend time with me.

His reply was, that is my need, (time together) and that he shouldn't have to do it if his needs aren't being met.
I had to clarify a few times as surely he couldn't be saying time spent with your wife, watching a movie or whatever (he never arranges anything) is apparently a need and he doesn't and won't be engaging in it as he's not having sex.

This can not be real? Do men equate the two as equal.
Add in the fact we have small children that crawl over me before bed and I do all the household labour and childcare.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2024 04:15

Get divorced. As soon as humanly possible. Your husband is a fucking pig and useless idiot.

Original poster
NeedyOne · 03/07/2024 04:17

And as I wrote this, it dawned on me, I wonder if he's thinking about the God awful love language crap, so he's a 'physical touch' or as men think... sex love language and I'm clearly 'time spent' in his eyes, so he's just gone with that and decided she gets no time spent as my physical touch (sex) isn't met.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedyOne · 03/07/2024 04:21

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2024 04:15

Get divorced. As soon as humanly possible. Your husband is a fucking pig and useless idiot.

He says I'm self centred and selfish

I just assumed you'd want to spend time with your wife, not that it was transactional

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2024 04:22

Stop wasting your time trying to figure him out. You've wasted enough time already.

Original poster
NeedyOne · 03/07/2024 04:26

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2024 04:22

Stop wasting your time trying to figure him out. You've wasted enough time already.

Yeah you're right.
There's nothing to figure out.
It's so depressing.
He'll be ok for a few days then sulk
It's awful to live in

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2024 04:36

You deserve to have a partner who values you. Don't settle for less.

MissingMoominMamma · 03/07/2024 04:38

You can only have sex with someone you find attractive, and there is fuck all attractive about someone who sulks.

This will only get worse.

VotesAndGoats · 03/07/2024 04:50

NeedyOne · 03/07/2024 04:17

And as I wrote this, it dawned on me, I wonder if he's thinking about the God awful love language crap, so he's a 'physical touch' or as men think... sex love language and I'm clearly 'time spent' in his eyes, so he's just gone with that and decided she gets no time spent as my physical touch (sex) isn't met.

An admiral effort to downplay his misogyny.

No.

He's not being realistic about life with young kids though.

The only viable way forward is for him to accept he's a bit of a knob currently and for him to communicate like a grown up.

Applepencilplant · 03/07/2024 04:53

Nothing as hot as a sulking man!
FFS
Sorry you're going through this. You shouldn't need to explain it to him. Where do they get this idea their 'needs' need to be met?!?!
Do they have a secret group chat we know nothing of?
If he can't understand you need something more than this then there isn't much hope.

You deserve a man who wants to spend time with you and whose foreplay isn't 'spread em'.

Guavafish1 · 03/07/2024 04:58

Your wasting you life.
There no love or respect

He has changed the terms and conditions of your relationship

Aussieland · 03/07/2024 04:58

You are right. Although I guess in his eyes sex should be something you want to do too rather than a “reward for good behaviour”. I am totally in your camp but I can see how he might feel that way.

Powderblue1 · 03/07/2024 05:06

Sorry OP that sounds easily to love with.

I actually read something recently about for women, 'fore play' is actually what happens all day leading up to it. Like have we had a good morning kiss and cuddle, have we been listened to, have we felt connected basically. I did speak to my husband about this as it resonated with me and he's definitely been trying more on that front.

You're right, sex shouldn't be transactional.

GaryLurcher19 · 03/07/2024 05:06

It sounds like an unhealthy relationship. Your partner sees everything as transactional. That's a bad sign. But even worse, he sees himself as gangster boss negotiating deals.

If I were you, OP, I'd scarper.

Shoxfordian · 03/07/2024 05:09

Can't remember who said that women aren't slot machines that you put kindness tokens in until sex comes out but it's true. He clearly feels entitled to sex and the sulking is coercive behaviour designed to make you agree, it's toxic.

Original poster
NeedyOne · 03/07/2024 05:10

GaryLurcher19 · 03/07/2024 05:06

It sounds like an unhealthy relationship. Your partner sees everything as transactional. That's a bad sign. But even worse, he sees himself as gangster boss negotiating deals.

If I were you, OP, I'd scarper.

I said you spend time with your friends without a bj.. so you must just not want to spend time with me

OP posts:
Velicirapitor · 03/07/2024 05:14

You poor thing, ending up with this poor excuse for a human being. Get your ducks in a row and make sure you’ll be ok financially. Get legal advice and then leave the bastard. 💐

Nanaboots · 03/07/2024 05:14

Tell him there’s a difference in having sex and making love, if he wants to make love then he needs to show love, if he wants sex he’s with the wrong person unfortunately

Onthemaintrunkline · 03/07/2024 05:24

He’s laid his cards on the table, sex - and I’ll be nice to you. No sex and ….. I’m going to sulk, not speak, and continue to justify my childish behaviour.

This is tiresome, demoralising and less likely to want you to engage with him on any level at all, never mind sexually! I’ve a feeling the gap between both of you atm will become a chasm. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 03/07/2024 05:26

his sulking is a form of punishment, he will continue until you give in and "learn".
you've been touched all day by kiddo's the last think you want is a clingy man child BUT he doesn't understand that, but other women do.
depending on how bad his sulking and treatment of you gets you may need to discuss dissolution of the marriage. it's a control tactic verges on domestic abuse.

KnitnNatterAuntie · 03/07/2024 05:32

It's the age old problem . . .

Men need to have sex to feel close to their woman

but

Women need to feel close to their man BEFORE they have sex . . . .

Crankymonkey · 03/07/2024 05:49

You are not unreasonable and there is nothing less sexy than feeling obliged or pressured into sex when you don’t feel like it.
However, since this is MN people will immediately tell you to end the relationship based on the little information they have on it, which is not helpful.
You are at an impasse because neither of your needs are being met and neither of you are willing to acknowledge this. I understand why you feel like this because he seems to have backed you into a corner. I think it would be valuable to have a calm conversation when you are not feeling angry to discuss properly what you are both missing from each other, and how you can work on this.

I know 2 men who are with long term partners who they love dearly but both are unhappy at the same time because their sex life is non existent any more because their wives simply “don’t feel the need” and asked them to stop initiating. Both are nice men who accepted their fate and use porn as an outlet because their partners never initiate but both mentioned feeling resentful. The only reason I am telling you this is because I think it’s important to hear both sides and find a solution, rather than create a stand off situation in which one side “wins” this argument.

Firefly1987 · 03/07/2024 06:02

@Crankymonkey very balanced and helpful. We could all just say LTB (and he does sound bloody awful) but assuming you actually want to sort out your problems it's best to try and understand where he's coming from. Even though he's obviously going about it completely the wrong way. I know on here sex is seen as a chore and something to be done once a year, but from his POV he's probably thinking you should want sex in a relationship and is feeling neglected. I know get the violins out, but still. You're BOTH feeling that way. You don't want to sleep with him and he doesn't want to spend time with you, not much of a relationship is it? Has he always been this way?

shearwater2 · 03/07/2024 06:15

Firefly1987 · 03/07/2024 06:02

@Crankymonkey very balanced and helpful. We could all just say LTB (and he does sound bloody awful) but assuming you actually want to sort out your problems it's best to try and understand where he's coming from. Even though he's obviously going about it completely the wrong way. I know on here sex is seen as a chore and something to be done once a year, but from his POV he's probably thinking you should want sex in a relationship and is feeling neglected. I know get the violins out, but still. You're BOTH feeling that way. You don't want to sleep with him and he doesn't want to spend time with you, not much of a relationship is it? Has he always been this way?

It's not seen that way. Mumsnet is a massive collection of individuals not a hive mind. And there are just as many posts about husbands who have lost interest in sex.

Chickenuggetsticks · 03/07/2024 06:16

Crankymonkey · 03/07/2024 05:49

You are not unreasonable and there is nothing less sexy than feeling obliged or pressured into sex when you don’t feel like it.
However, since this is MN people will immediately tell you to end the relationship based on the little information they have on it, which is not helpful.
You are at an impasse because neither of your needs are being met and neither of you are willing to acknowledge this. I understand why you feel like this because he seems to have backed you into a corner. I think it would be valuable to have a calm conversation when you are not feeling angry to discuss properly what you are both missing from each other, and how you can work on this.

I know 2 men who are with long term partners who they love dearly but both are unhappy at the same time because their sex life is non existent any more because their wives simply “don’t feel the need” and asked them to stop initiating. Both are nice men who accepted their fate and use porn as an outlet because their partners never initiate but both mentioned feeling resentful. The only reason I am telling you this is because I think it’s important to hear both sides and find a solution, rather than create a stand off situation in which one side “wins” this argument.

I don’t know about this, he’s not being a nice man, he’s sulking to coerce her into having sex with him and he doesn’t like spending time with her unless they are having sex.

He’s not a loving partner who is trying to broach a sensitive subject he’s literally behaving like a pig, he doesn’t even care that she doesn’t want to have sex with him. Who here would actually not care whether their spouse wanted to have sex or not as long as they put out. It’s outrageous.

J0S · 03/07/2024 06:19

Refusing to speak to your wife for days is stonewallling and it’s a form of abuse.