Husband 'needs'

[NeedyOne]

An argument with DH about his needs not being met, the usual needs men demand. Sex.
I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection. His reply is that it's apparently all about me, my needs are always first and his never matter.

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage. I asked why he thinks it's ok to demand his needs are met but I'm apparently unreasonable to ask for him to spend time with me.

His reply was, that is my need, (time together) and that he shouldn't have to do it if his needs aren't being met.
I had to clarify a few times as surely he couldn't be saying time spent with your wife, watching a movie or whatever (he never arranges anything) is apparently a need and he doesn't and won't be engaging in it as he's not having sex.

This can not be real? Do men equate the two as equal.
Add in the fact we have small children that crawl over me before bed and I do all the household labour and childcare.

The excuses made for revolting men never cease to amaze me. Imagine a woman refusing to parent her kids because her husband hasn’t ‘given her’ sex! I don’t think you’d be defending her for even a second.

You've nailed it, @Naunet

I remember being told once 'what's the point of hugging if there is nothing at the end of it'...

Oh for goodness sake! There are women who would be desperate for a man who wanted to have sexual intimacy with her & for whatever reason it doesn't happen 🤦‍♀️

A lot of posters seem very cynical about men's motives, I mean they could be right and he's just using her for sex, OR it could be he thinks that's the best way to connect with his wife after they've both had an extremely long and exhausting day. Although he's coming over as a complete dick, a lot of it depends on how long the lack of intimacy has been going on and how often they've tried to talk about it. If it's been years and nothing has changed then he has little option other than to suck it up and probably be resentful or just leave her.

Right now OP is saying what she needs from him but it's not clear if he's been stepping up to try and provide that for years with nothing back. Of course kids coming along means she's probably exhausted but it's not always an excuse. It does sound a bit like now her family is complete she sees no need for sex anymore, and that's a common theme on here. I don't really think you can expect most men to be happy with that.

OR it could be he thinks that's the best way to connect with his wife after they've both had an extremely long and exhausting day.

when a man makes his DW feel like a sex object, there is no valid excuse for that. You sound like a apologist for a sex pest.

@daisychain01 well that certainly wasn't the intention but I admit I do try and rationalise people's behaviour sometimes in an attempt to give people the benefit of the doubt and see both sides even if one is clearly being a dick-just to TRY and understand their POV at least. Except in cases of abuse etc. of course.

It wasn't immediately obvious to me that stuff like "silent treatment" actually comes under a form of abuse so this thread has been an education for sure. I've said he sounds awful from the start but yes I do see that it's actually more than that now so I apologise if what I said came across as downplaying any of his behaviour and you are right there is no excuse for treating OP like he has. He sounds absolutely horrible to live with. Unfortunately it seems like it's too late at this point to give any other advice than LTB because the guy is not willing or able to listen to her. And maybe I was thinking more generally about relationships and men and women's approach to them which may not be helpful to OPs situation and I'm sorry if that came across as downplaying this particular mans atrocious behaviour.

Some men do seem very unwilling to listen-I'm sure they listen to other men about what they think women want 🙄but fuck do they ever listen to their female friends advice when it comes to women or the women they're actually with themselves?! I've tried to get through to incels before (in my again misguided attempts to understand them and actually give them useful advice) and it's like talking to a brick wall. Do men somehow resent advice from women? I'll bet he's talking to his fucking mates about his "needs" and they're probably giving him all this bullshit advice he's acting on and ruining his marriage.

No one is desperate for a man that sulks, stonewalls and bullies them into it sex. Just hearing about his behaviour make me shrivel and dry up 🤢. It's repulsive and not conducive to sexual relations. He has no game and is a bully.

If he wants to connect with his wife he could start by actually treating her with respect and kindness. Maybe spend some time with her. A little mental foreplay. Instead of drop your knickers because I have needs or else I'll sulk like a petulant child for days.

Trouble is @Firefly1987 you can't argue rationally with stupid and so many of those incel types are entrenched in their views and think women's pov is worthless and to be ignored.

its admirable that you try to see things from all perspectives, I have found over time that misogynists don't deserve civility or fairness because they're the lowest of the low, and need to be given a wide swerve! Definitely not partner material.

@daisychain01 it's so infuriating though! But yes you are right. So many twats in the world to avoid. We can all say LTB but unfortunately some other poor woman is probably going to end up with them rather than them actually doing any self reflection and changing their behaviour.

I was just thinking how you get a lot of older men saying they enjoy women's company but younger men rarely say things like that. I don't know if it's a generational thing but it's so sad. Especially the incels, oh they HATE women's company. Then they complain they're lonely, as if a few minute shag will cure that when they actively despise loving relationships. SMDH I have to just tell myself they're completely brainwashed and hope they get help somehow.

The internet has done boys no favours here in that it magnifies any impulse to self justification by providing ready echo chambers for such thinking. Obviously this effect is everywhere and affects us all but this is particularly pernicious and horrible, right? And boys with this thinking can become men with distorted values. I really worry for my two (young adult) daughters.

In general I think men do equate sex with love.

In this case however he's just a disgusting, entitled sex pest who sees women as sex dolls who only exist for his pleasure and don't have feelings like an actual human being. You should divorce him.

It's very worrying. By the time they're that angry it feels like they're probably too far gone and need a shed load of therapy before tragedy happens. As a woman I don't feel like I can rubbish the views of men about sex being so incredibly important to them as I'll never understand that need (in the sense of it being a need for a fulfilling relationship/life) so I do try and understand but if there's any disrespect about it towards women then I lose all sympathy. And yeah those echo chambers just drag them down even further, which is what they almost seem to want.