Husband 'needs'

[NeedyOne]

An argument with DH about his needs not being met, the usual needs men demand. Sex.
I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection. His reply is that it's apparently all about me, my needs are always first and his never matter.

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage. I asked why he thinks it's ok to demand his needs are met but I'm apparently unreasonable to ask for him to spend time with me.

His reply was, that is my need, (time together) and that he shouldn't have to do it if his needs aren't being met.
I had to clarify a few times as surely he couldn't be saying time spent with your wife, watching a movie or whatever (he never arranges anything) is apparently a need and he doesn't and won't be engaging in it as he's not having sex.

This can not be real? Do men equate the two as equal.
Add in the fact we have small children that crawl over me before bed and I do all the household labour and childcare.

How could you enjoy time hanging out with him knowing he was only doing it to get sex?

How could you enjoy sex with him knowing he regards it as 'meeting his needs' and not about mutual pleasure?

I think it's normal for a couples sex life to have rocky patches when there's small kids/exhausted parents. But he doesn't appear to even like you. Do you really want to carry on living like that?

OP I'm not clear if you do still have sex. If you have regular sex and he acts like this regularly then clearly he is a complete arsehole, and sulking and coercion are abusive behaviours. If you haven't had sex for ages and he has tried sharing his feelings sensibly then he could be at the end of his tether and snapped and is trying to make a point though from what you've said I highly doubt it.

As you say, it's possible to be frustrated about lack of sex but still want to see your partner. It's possible to communicate frustration in a healthy manner. If he sees spending time with you or showing you any affection as something that he doesn't want to do, but has to in order to 'get sex from you' then I do think the relationship is pretty much over. You can't stay married to someone who sees watching a film or something with you as a chore to be endured for a reward.

And either way, sulking for days is not OK. Groping is not OK. Refusing to talk about problems is not OK.

How do you see the future for you both? Do you ever think given how he has acted, you'll want to have sex with him again? If you think there is something salvageable then maybe try counselling to see if he can change his behaviour. As I don't think you can change your behaviour before he changes his - I think sometimes in relationships you can fake it til you make if if you've fallen out the habit of sex and affection but only if there is love and respect there. But in this case, forcing yourself to have sex with someone who sulks and acts like they don't actually like you, yet still gropes you, will make you feel really awful

Don't even waste your energy thinking about this. Sulking and the quiet treatment is abuse, it undermines you and will destroy your self esteem. It won't get better. Get rid of him. You need someone who will value you and bring positive things to your life. This man will drain you.

Sulking is a form of abuse, he thinks that if he makes your life almost unbearable you'll give in and give him a bj, sex or whatever he wants. He thinks you'd rather give him sex than have him punish you in the form of sulking.

He's an idiot. Anyone who thinks that being horrid to someone will result in sex. Does he go to a bar, treat someone like shit, be rude etc then think that person will shag him!

He's a misogynistic sex pest. My ex was like this, once had a week long sulk in Ibiza because I had to take antibiotics for an infection so my birth control was fucked. He didn't want to wear a condom or use the pull out method so it resulted in no sex. Thankfully he's an ex now, as should yours be.

Love language isn't crap! And physical touch doesn't mean sex either.

Some men think like your husband and it becomes a gridlock but I wouldn't say all men are like this, anyway what does it matter what other men think or do, your problem is the man you have focus on a resolution with him!!

I think sulking happens when people don't have a place to run off to to get some space so they put up that barrier. They are feeling sad and upset, still have to live in the same house. We are emotional beings you can't expect people to be like professional robots, a lot of us are holding it together at work and with society when we get home we just want to be ourselves and if I'm pissed off at you, of course my answers are going to be abrupt and I won't be all smiles. Let's not jump to calling the slightest thing as abuse because it then renders the word meaningless.

My question when I read this kind of thread is - was it alwasy like this? Presumably not. So what changed? Is it possible to go back there? and if not, you have your answer as to what to do...

@Crankymonkey

Both are nice men who accepted their fate and use porn as an outlet because their partners never initiate but both mentioned feeling resentful.

Nope, you’re very wrong on that one, nice men do not resort to using porn. If their partners never initiate sex, the men are definitely doing something wrong in the relationship!

His attitude is not normal (at least I hope it isn’t!)
Sex as a ‘need’ has never been a thing in my marriage. We both approach sex as something we both like to do together. We enjoy giving each pleasure as well as receiving it. If one of us is not feeling it, it doesn’t happen, simple. Neither one feels put out, we get that sometimes it’s just not what we want right there and then.

As the years progress and having 3 kids, once a week is about the most we can manage and we both look forward to that time, but if one of us is too tired (more likely both off us!) we just have a cuddle instead. It is the intimacy and connection of sex that we enjoy and you can get that from other things, not just sex. The human need is for connection and whilst many of us get that from sex, it’s also gained from lots of other activities that your husband appears to be denying you.

He has a massive cheek if he thinks he can deny you those things but expect sex from you. He needs to sort his head out. You are not being unreasonable.

If you haven't had sex for ages and he has tried sharing his feelings sensibly then he could be at the end of his tether and snapped and is trying to make a point though from what you've said I highly doubt it.

If they haven’t had sex for ages, the ops husband needs to look at himself and the whole situation to see what is the probably cause. And the op has explained it to him clearly - she wants a human connection, not just being used as a sex doll for his ‘needs’ (that word is so laughable, makes me imagine 40 year old men in full toddler tantrum screaming ‘I want seeeeeexxx’).

I divorced one of these! Basically every conversation I tried to have about me doing 90% of the housework, the childcare, the mental load (in addition to my full time job) was met with “why can’t we talk about what I want to talk about? We never have sex. Why can’t we talk about that? We “should” be having it once a week as a minimum”. I’d argue that I didn’t feel like sex with a man child who expected me to do everything while he went to the gym, watched football and had lie ins every morning. He would shrug and say it wouldn’t make any difference if he did more round the house. He still wouldn’t get any sex so what was the point!

I think the idea that women are turned off by men who act like this is a difficult concept for many men to understand. They don’t make the connection between being shown you are appreciated / valued and wanting sex. Not that it comes down to transactions: you clean up round the house and I’ll give you some sex. That’s a very over simplified reasoning. But more: make me feel appreciated and respected and like we are a team and I will have feelings that are more likely to turn to desire. My ex could not grasp that. One of the main reasons he is an ex. I don’t think your H is going to change, do you? Also the sulking..???! It is abusive behaviour. I would be considering my future with this man child if I were you…..

Well ok, I hate porn but really what do nice men do then? Imagination?

He sounds revolting. What’s wrong with these men?

That’s not what the love language teaching teaches at all.

No excuses, your husband is selfish.

"To be clear if you refuse to spend time with me, we're never having sex again".

https://www.facebook.com/reel/439558795622099/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v

I saw this recently and saved the link knowing it wouldn't be long before I saw a MN post it would be relevant to! Send him this and then tell him to fuck off with his sulky man child act!

When I was married to my first husband ( 28 years ago) he would act very much like your husband. We had a three year old and a two year old. We lived close to his mother and she would sometimes take the children out for a walk for an hour ( part of her keep fit programme). All I wanted was to have a cup of tea that was hot when I got to drink it or to eat with both hands without dealing with someone else at the same time. A chat with my husband would have been nice. Everytime he would shut the front door behind his mother and the children, turn to me and say ' fancy a shag?". He was distant,an disnterested father, was openly chatting up/ going to the pub with female work colleagues and only ever touched me sexually. There was never a hug just because. It was always in the hope of 'a shag'. In the end it made my skin crawl and I had to make a huge effort not to recoil because sex had become the last thing I wanted. My second husband ( married 20 years now) is the absolute opposite. I hadn't realised how bad my first marriage was until I got out of it ( he went off with 17 year old from work). I am sorry you are experiencing this Op. It is horrible.

OK, nobody is going to die from lack of sex, but then nobody is going to die from feeling neglected in a relationship. It's probably more helpful to rephrase it, many people need sex to feel they're in a good relationship, just like people need demonstrations of love from their partner to feel loved in a relationship. I would class both a needs in a relationship for it to be healthy (unless they've both agreed they don't want one of them, obviously)

The character in the baseball cap is my first husband. They should use this is PSHE at sixth form.

Stop making excuses for abusive men who try to bully their wives into sex letting them use their vagina for a wank.

OP this guy is revolting and not just a terrible partner but an absolutely awful father. You and your kids deserve better.

I don’t know how you came to hitch your life to this low quality specimen but for God’s sake throw him back before you waste any more of it.

He sounds revolting. I would be making plans to split.

Think how lovely life would be without the groping and moodiness.

Please call Womens aid.
He is a vile abusive pig who is trying to use coercive control on you for sex.
This is a crime.
You are being emotionally abused.
You need support.
Please contact Women's aid for this.

i think most would agree that a dead bedroom is a terrible place to be. That’s not close to being the case for the OP. if you care for your partner and want your relationship to flourish, listening and acting on your partners needs and even anticipating those needs are so important. We could all do better, I expect, but genuine effort is needed.

what I hear from what you say,is it’s not even about physical intimacy in your partners case, it’s sex… then nothing. That’s not a flourishing marriage.

we all (most?) need connection. I totally get what you want OP. Most men would be happy to oblige. I expect that this will continue to build pressure on both of you unless you both want to genuinely make changes in order for your marriage to survive let alone thrive.

good luck

Next time you and DH have sex , sulk for two days afterwards .