Husband 'needs'

[NeedyOne]

An argument with DH about his needs not being met, the usual needs men demand. Sex.
I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection. His reply is that it's apparently all about me, my needs are always first and his never matter.

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage. I asked why he thinks it's ok to demand his needs are met but I'm apparently unreasonable to ask for him to spend time with me.

His reply was, that is my need, (time together) and that he shouldn't have to do it if his needs aren't being met.
I had to clarify a few times as surely he couldn't be saying time spent with your wife, watching a movie or whatever (he never arranges anything) is apparently a need and he doesn't and won't be engaging in it as he's not having sex.

This can not be real? Do men equate the two as equal.
Add in the fact we have small children that crawl over me before bed and I do all the household labour and childcare.

What absolute bollocks.

He sees OP as a service animal who is required to provide her unwilling body for him to use.

This is about his contempt for her, not his love for her.

You don't sound like you like him let alone love him. Small children or not, you don't have to stay together if it's making you feel frustrated or sad.

He’s not a nice man though. He’s a man who doesn’t want to spend time with his own wife.

He sees withholding his presence as a punishment to force her to give him access to her body.

He’s genuinely awful. This is not a oh-so-sad tale of a nice good man in a tragic situation.

Arseholes also have wives who stop having sex with them. And this guy is a misogynistic arsehole whose wife stopped having sex with him

I'll try to reply to a few messages later.
No we spend barely any time together, he works from home and works all day and often around meals so after the kids are in bed is the only time we have.
I didn't even say no to sex I just told him to stop going on about it as it was draining and he said he was off to bed then. When I asked if he wanted to watch.a movie he said his needs were disregarded but mine had to be attended to.

I asked yesterday if he wanted to discuss it rather than ignore me, he just said 'urgh' like it was a chore he couldn't be bothered with, which I said made me feel like an object only good for one thing but not worthy of speaking to.
Then after the second day sulking I asked how long he planned on ignoring me for and that's when he equated my needs as being always having to be met and explained that it was him having to spend time with me as selfish and self centred etc.

This in spades. I would never understand in a million years women still thinking marriage or a loving relationship is about giving men as much sex as they want to keep their man happy.

What a load of bollocks.

Do you only talk to him about sex though? Or are you engaging and listening.
I get no conversation outside of sex, no hugs unless groped
I understand he may feel rejected, I feel rejected every day as a human being.

My grandma always told me there's nothing worse than a moody man. Never go out with one.

I have on occasion not followed her advice and she was right. They are not worth the hassle.

I think the fact that he sees your relationship as transactional is the final nail in the coffin really. It’s like he is a vending machine. You have to give him sex in order to get time spent with you. He’s treating you like an object.

Men have different levels of "needs" in that space similar to women. There are plenty of posts where women say no sex is a deal breaker. However, no one is entitled to sex. It sounds like your no longer compatible and the resentment is causing a negative spiral.

From what the OP said in her last post I assume he only wants her to go down on him, so I doubt there's anything in it for the OP.

So, this is someone who does nothing around the house, says he is not interested in talking to his wife or spending time with her, and only wants to use her as a sex aid regularly and is not interested if she wants it or not. Lovely.

I can’t tell if this is your wanting to vent or actually asking for help or thoughts

@NeedyOne how old are the children? How long together?

I wouldn't advocate separation in the first instance because it is working at a marriage however that has to be both parties.

Sulking/stonewalling is a very unhealthy response and regrettably it can be a habit from childhood so very hard to break. What's his parents relationship like?

He doesn’t want to be close, he just wants a fuck, and would be very happy doing it, knowing his wife will hate it.

“Darling, it’s common knowledge that a woman’s biggest sex organ is her brain. Having said that, foreplay for me is conversation and quality time spent together. The good news is that you already have these skills, which you demonstrate in your friendships and your willingness to build those relationships. I find that quality really attractive in you. To avoid me being as dry as Melania Trump on her wedding night, let’s engage in some of that foreplay ourselves.”

OP, you don't have a loving relationship. Your husband is abusing you. Sexual coercion is real, awfully real. He's being passive aggressively abusing you when he sulks, refuse to engage in healthy communication and blames how not giving him enough sex is the problem. YOUR problem.

He's trying to wear you down by creating a sense of obligation to him and how he behaves.

This is abuse 101. Do you have friends and family you can discuss this with?

I don't know anymore. He's adamant I'm in the wrong. That it's my fault things are going wrong.

He is an abusive man. He would need to undergo an integrity and abuse recovery.
I'd suggest omar minwhallas integrity abuse and secret sexual basement with regards to the entitlement mindset to sex. Also lundy bancrofts book why does he do that to both of you.

However It's not your job op to help him. You deserve a healthy grown up partner. I imagine he won't see the need for such a recovery. Unfortunately our society does heavily promote this very toxic idea that men 'need' sex and that woman should just fall in line. I wouldn't reccomend couples counselling but individual counselling for you op. So you can work on your boundaries and a plan going forward.

This is very much a him issue.

A healthy, loving relationship is where both feel respected and cherished. He is intentionally making you feel the opposite! That is not love. He does not love you. That is what you are struggling to accept, but you know deep down it’s true. And you deserve so much more than being any man’s skivvy!
How would you feel if your daughter was living your life? What would you advise her? How would you feel if your son was behaving like this to his wife? Life is so damn short lovely.

Have a listen to this podcast

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-dont-buy-her-flowers-podcast/id1598538518

It's fascinating on the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire. I'm sure your DH won't listen or buy into it but at least it'll reassure you that how you're feeling is TOTALLY normal and this situation isn't good enough.

To be frank in 6 months he's going to be telling you he had to go elsewhere. This will be he's excuse.

I would NEVER recommend couples therapy when there is sexual abuse in the marriage.

If you want a professional involved, get a personal therapist to discuss yourself and how you feel. A good therapist will recognise the signs of abuse very early on.

Life is too short for this shit.

He treats you with contempt and you don’t like him.

Separate. ASAP.

If he has two functioning hands, then his 'needs' can be met. He actively chooses not to spend any of his free time or time when he's not working with his wife.

The first poster on the thread has absolutely nailed exactly what your next steps should be.
You'll be no worse off emotionally if you do separate. Actually thinking it through, if you have kids, they will have to spend time with him so he'll have to allocate that time for them which may be more than they are currently getting.

Start getting your ducks in a row (even if you decide to stay, you'll have done the heavy lifting at this stage) and then you can make a decision and tell him that you're not willing to stay in a marriage where you're a humanoid sex toy to him, not a wife not a partner and not someone he wants to spend time with.

One day men will realise that there is nothing sexier than them stepping up. Taking time to ask about your day, little gestures to show they care, doing their fair share… then they will find their wives all over them.

I remember reading or listening to something about this. How a lot of women want the same sexual intensity, that they’re adventurous and wild but often lock it up because men are so shitty and it is a massive turn off.

Your DH is an abusive prick. Leave him.

The best kind of ‘foreplay’ is when a man behaves like a grown up and an equal partner; when he engages with his own children and does his share of domestic shite - not because he’s ‘helping out’, but because those are his responsibilities as a parent and a homeowner and he can see how lonely and soul-sucking it can be for his partner to be doing all of that on her own. When he’s interested in his wife as a person and invested in her happiness as well as his own because (gasp) he actually cares about her.

OP, this petulant man baby, who sulks for days because he’s not getting his dick wet, is so far removed from the partner you need him to be that I’m surprised you’ve actually fucked him enough times to get kids out of him. What the hell does he actually bring to the party?!

If his ‘punishment’ is not bothering to spend any time with you, I’d take that as a win and use your knob-free evenings to plot your escape.