Husband 'needs'

[NeedyOne]

An argument with DH about his needs not being met, the usual needs men demand. Sex.
I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection. His reply is that it's apparently all about me, my needs are always first and his never matter.

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage. I asked why he thinks it's ok to demand his needs are met but I'm apparently unreasonable to ask for him to spend time with me.

His reply was, that is my need, (time together) and that he shouldn't have to do it if his needs aren't being met.
I had to clarify a few times as surely he couldn't be saying time spent with your wife, watching a movie or whatever (he never arranges anything) is apparently a need and he doesn't and won't be engaging in it as he's not having sex.

This can not be real? Do men equate the two as equal.
Add in the fact we have small children that crawl over me before bed and I do all the household labour and childcare.

Leave the sex pest...

His behaviour his completely immature and the silent treatment and pressure he puts on you is abusive.

Of course you are not going to find a man like this sexy/attractive. This is not the behaviour of a loving partner who cares about you and respects. you.

I would just divorce him.

OP, I think you may have to face the fact that what your husband feels for you is contempt. He does not care how you feel, and he believes he's entitled to have what he wants without compromise or consideration. It could be purely emotional immaturity, but more than likely it's a combination of that, along with self-centredness and lack of empathy.

You also have to face that he is extremely unlikely to change. If he considers there's nothing wrong with him, he won't go into therapy. Even if you can get him to couples therapy, I don't think it's going to go well considering his level of immaturity and passive-aggression.

What you have to ask yourself is if you're willing a) to be living like this in ten or twenty years time and b) if this is the example of relationship behaviour you want set for your children. If you stay together, there's a pretty high risk that your DH will feel entitled to seek sex elsewhere.

I too hate all that cod psychology: it gives manipulative arseholes like your husband far too much ammunition.

He really is an arsehole. How can you have sex with someone who doesn't want to spend time with you?

He sounds horrendous, maybe you should just cut your loses and get out now.

I've seen loads of these posts but none where men aren't interested in sex. Unless they're literally asexual, it doesn't happen unless they're having an affair or seeing sex workers, and even then they're probably still shagging the wife.

I'm afraid it does happen to a lot of women. Some men aren't interested in sex with their partners.

No, sulking happens when one person hasn't got what they think they deserve, and their reaction is to punish the person by refusing to engage rather than discuss the issue like an adult. Sulkers are well aware that they are unpleasant to be around - that's why they do it.

This is why I'm now with a woman... 🤪

Obviously you have to be attracted to women but it's just so much better. We just get each other. We know how to make each other feel and we'd NEVER behave in this awful coercive way. It's toxic!

Why did you marry and have babies with him in a first place? Was he pretending to be someone else when you were dating?

He's absolutely pathetic. He's trying to blackmail you into sex? Don't let that work out for him whatsoever. Immediate permanent sex ban and I'd be asking him to leave the house.
If it's his house then hope you can go somewhere with the kids till the divorce is sorted.
He is unkind, selfish, childish, and has no concern for your sexual desire. He seemingly does not care if you want sex or not, he thinks he 'deserves' it. Basically incel behaviour.
You deserve so much more than this arsehole.

My husband never initiated sex. He was up for it if I initiated it but never initiated it himself. He'd never compliment me, never touch me during the day or make me feel wanted and would jokingly put me down in various ways. In the end I resented him for it and we grew apart and I'm now with a woman who is the complete opposite. We just get each other and what makes each other tick. It's the best thing ever 🥰

Sulking is pervasive emotional abuse. Get rid of this is your life for good. Send him back to his mummy .

He's blackmailing you. If you don't give him sex then he's not giving you his presence. That's seriously unattractive!
It also sounds as if you do majority of the household chores and childcare. What do you see in him!

Once you have your ducks in a row and have seen a solicitor, I would sit him down and say “I’ve thought long and hard about what you said and come to the conclusion that you are totally right. We are fundamentally incompatible. I want a partner and you want a servant and sex doll.” Sign the divorce papers pls..,

Get divorced. Your husband is a selfish pig. I left my ex 2 years ago because he was exactly the same. He was also verbally and emotionally abusive on top of the demands for sex and calling me selfish when I didn't want sex every 2 days, even though I was doing 90% of the childcare and housework on top of working. These men never change. I am much happier alone.

This. If he did his share with kids and around the house you'd feel less exhausted. He doesn't sound like a good husband.

Why is this relevant? Relationships change, at the start it may well have been both very sexually affectionate, lots of physical touching, sex without being tired or planning. The situation like in the op coming about is an old tale - the couple have children and the woman gets stuck in with raising them and doing all household admin, whilst some men like above choose to act like life hasn’t changed. Instead of sharing the mental load and making themselves an attractive equal partner, they become a needy manchild who wants attention without coming up to the level needed to be seen as an attractive provider (and that’s not just money, providing in a family unit means adding to every part of life). Bet he whines she’s always ‘tired’ and yet won’t do anything unless told to (a million times).

@LostTheMarble Because people always show you who they are. But we women tend to ignore it if we are desperate to get married and have babies. It's like a trade off for many. My point is to choose carefully and not to rash.

That podcast was really interesting thanks for suggesting it, I think he assumes if I'm not interested there and then that I find him repulsive etc rather than the truth being that I'm worn out and not a permanent revving engine.
I did say today I'm not sure how you can feel rejection and be this irritated by me saying I want to spend time with you.
If anyone should be feeling rejected then perhaps it would be me.
There are lots of other health and various issues that make things harder but I'd rather not completely out myself or he'd be really angry.

I would leave him for the fact he doesn't pull his weight with the dc and housework alone. What a looser!

But the fact that he's perfectly happy and turned on by the idea of having sex with an unwilling partner is very disturbing.

Yes, the number of men with the common notion that women are naturally less interested in sex - which justifies them seeking it elsewhere - particularly as they get older - when in reality it’s years spent with an inconsiderate, selfish slob that puts these women off sex WITH THEM.

It’s amazing how much more interest women find in sex with OTHER men once the relationship is over, particularly if they’re respected and treated in a loving manner.

This really is something these men are oblivious to. They have no idea it’s down to them and that women actually enjoy sex just as much, but unlike them, they can’t just get off on screwing anyone with no feelings attached. It seems with a lot of men it’s primarily physical whereas with women physical and emotional - possibly bc of the whole psychological factor of fertility etc attached….

I can’t fathom men who see their partners as a completely separate concept to their friends - a sexual partner first, then mother to their children and maybe housekeeper… but an actual friend you respect and choose to spend time with?!! That’s not what they’re for! Women are meant to GIVE not expect anything back surely.

🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

All this ‘advice’ to leave your husband over this, when you have young children, is horrifying. People are bloody awful. It is a really tough and common issue OP of the woman’s libido being lower in the stage of having very young DC - a difficulty most marriages encounter. I wish you both well and hope you can find a way to navigate and love each other through it.

It could be a deliberate act of punishment but it could just as likely be a response to not having the emotional intelligence to process frustration or hurt. When I've been in the position where a partner and I have had a disagreement and neither are talking to the other, I know what my thoughts were, and they weren't punishment. It was simply not knowing how to deal with a disagreement in a mature way as I'd never witnessed that from my parents. It was to withdraw whilst trying to figure out what to do. No idea what my partner's thoughts were. Maybe the same, maybe to punish me.

Unfortunately people don't "always show you who they are".
With my ex - so some of the signs HAD been there from the beginning but he was so subtle I didn't see them and only realised what they were with hindsight.

The sex didn't become and issue until after we'd had children. Thats because we were both young - and in new exciting relationship so sex was more frequent - he didn't need to coerse me back then.

Men like this do not go around waving flags telling you they are going to be a sex pest in the future.

Just to clarify, he's never said I had to when I didn't want it, he just shuts down and won't speak. Then says I'm selfish. He's actually really great in bed, but I'm not enjoying any of the approaches and when I say this, I get sulking and today was just the most unusual comment about my needs, where I never even considered spending time with your wife as just something she needed, I assumed it was just a given.
Otherwise what's a marriage?