Husband 'needs'

[NeedyOne]

An argument with DH about his needs not being met, the usual needs men demand. Sex.
I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection. His reply is that it's apparently all about me, my needs are always first and his never matter.

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage. I asked why he thinks it's ok to demand his needs are met but I'm apparently unreasonable to ask for him to spend time with me.

His reply was, that is my need, (time together) and that he shouldn't have to do it if his needs aren't being met.
I had to clarify a few times as surely he couldn't be saying time spent with your wife, watching a movie or whatever (he never arranges anything) is apparently a need and he doesn't and won't be engaging in it as he's not having sex.

This can not be real? Do men equate the two as equal.
Add in the fact we have small children that crawl over me before bed and I do all the household labour and childcare.

But this is not a situation that happened over night but build up to the moment that the OP described. I understand that she needs to vent right now (I would too), but ultimately this can only be resolved if they both sit down and are willing to listen to the other without accusations. This isn’t about winning a fight, but about understanding what’s missing in the relationship and how it can be overcome.

Incidentally, nobody "needs" sex. Many of us want sex, but that's a different thing.

What he needs is a massive kick up the arse.
A divorce should do it.

Has he ever pulled his weight with the household chores/life admin/mental load, or is that since having children? Your problems sound bigger than the sex "needs".

You need to get out of this relationship. He is being mean to you. No husband should ever be mean to his wife. This will get worse, not better. Your children deserve to grow up in a house with a healthier dynamic.

I think this is a common theme with SOME men.
Usually those men who don’t pull their weight with the childcare and household chores. There is a link.
The women then feel like nothing more than unpaid nanny and domestic servant.
On a serious note do you enjoy having sex with him op? Does he make you climax? Or is it all about his needs?
Does he understand your wants and desires or is it all over when he orgasms?
Women do not feel sexy 2 minutes after having children crawling all over them for example. He needs to up his game.

I understand that, but even in the absence of sex there should still be some sort of warm relationship. DH and I didn’t have sex for ages after having DD, both too shell shocked. But we still liked each other, spoke to each other and spent time with each other voluntarily.

OP is ignored unless he wants sex. I’d feel very sad if I had to ask DH to spend time with me or speak to me. She’s a human being not an appliance.

I think what he's looking for is a sex worker I.e. no connection, just sex.

As you say, how can you have sex with someone without spending time with them? You aren't asking for 101 red roses, smooth radio, candles that look like Hogwarts dining hall.

Think forward 15 years when the kids are old enough to be doing their own thing - if the man does not want to spend time with you now - what is going to happen then. It must be very soul destroying for you - you deserve to be cherished.

And what do posters tell the wife to do in that situation?

My husband communicated a desire for more intimacy. I let our children sleep in our bed and he explained his frustration in a mature and open manner.

I think it’s fair to discuss your physical preferences, especially if they are not being met, but the sulking and non engagement is disgusting. Borderline emotionally abusive. What about your needs to not have a twat for a husband?

OP, please don’t allow yourself to become brow beaten into believing this is normal. You deserve to have honest communication in your relationship.

Totally this.

First answer nailed it.

Your issue isn't sex, it's that he can't communicate his wants respectfully and he isn't looking for compromise. He feels entitled and owed something you feel unable to give without groundwork first.

I had a partner like this, it didn't get better. Every move he made to me was a ploy, hollow and solely designed to get me into bed. Having sex I didn't want with him solved nothing, we just went round in circles. I left him after I couldn't stand the physical pain of it anymore.

I found another man who is much better at discussing these things, we have dry spells and I try harder but the difference is I don't fell cheap and nasty and he doesn't want to have sex with someone who is only doing it for peace and quiet. Our middle ground isn't soul destroying for either of us.

Silences are abusive as others have said. I whole heartedly agree with what you are saying, why on earth would you want to have sex with someone who has no regard for basic foundations of a relationship? He needs to demonstrate some respect and interest in his wife wouldnt go a miss

There’s that song Labour by Paris Paloma, I heard it not long after coming out of a longterm relationship similar to the OP’s. The line ‘just an appendage, live to attend him’ really resonated with me. As other said, it’s not about not wanting sex, it’s about wanting to know you connect as two people in a bonded relationship. That there is love and respect on different levels and you’re not just a walking sex doll for his ‘needs’.

My exh was worse... Made gifts of money if I 'put out'.. If I refused he did it anyway.. He financially abused me and I had no access to money so usually just gave in.
I did leave him eventually. He never spent any time with me or the dc. No holidays or days out.. Was a grim existence..
Get yourself a proper life op.
One without him in it.

Poor communication long term resentment so his acting a twat.

The silence and that isn’t acceptable but you’re honestly saying he spends zero time with you? Never both sat on the sofa with a tv show on? Don’t eat any meals together? A cuddle in bed?

How long has that been going on?

I must admit I do feel less likely to want to “snuggle up” with dh if it’s been a while, feels like a lead on to nowhere for me while he gets his cuddle with a movie. But I don’t give him the silent treatment I just sit my end of the sofa 😂

Sex is not a need, it's a want.

And his want for sex does not trump your need to feel safe and at peace in your own home.

Your husband is an abusive sex-pest. I agree with other posters, divorce is the only solution. You deserve better, he does not.

OP, this is coercion isn’t it? Fine that he tells you he would like more sex. And he should listen when you say you need non-sexual intimacy to want to have sex.

But to give you silent treatment / ignore you is him trying to coerce you into sex and it’s not right. Speak to Women’s aid and make a plan to get out.

My DH's love language is physical touch and mine is acts of service. He wouldn't dream of using his love language as blackmail to allow me to get what I need from him, because he is an actual loving partner. Your DH is not.

I've been married almost 40 years and I assure you not all men equate having as much sex as they want to, to family life in a healthy relationship.

Your H is an arsehole only interested in how much sex he gets from you. Sulking, disrespecting you, not engaging in something as basic as watching a movie, having a chat, cuddling or discussing family and personal issues because you are not giving him the sex he wants, it's abusive.

I don't know how old you are but better plan for a divorce. This is no way to live.

DH has never behaved like this. Even before DC. He has never sulked about no sex. He respects my wishes. OP please look into why you are with someone who acts like a child as a partner. It's not normal for men to behave that way.

I’ve not read all of the replies to the OP, but I’d recommend going to couples therapy. And perhaps one who specialises in sex.

I am currently in your DH’s position where my partner doesn’t want to have sex and I am the one “pestering” him for sex or just some physical touch. It is a horrible place to be in.

We are seeing a therapist and starting to work through some challenges, and it is hugely beneficial to have an impartial third parter to essentially translate each of your view points into something objective and easy to see how the other person is feeling - I would highly highly recommend it.

Paloma Faith talking about what turns her on and off, nails it for me.

I’d say show your husband this but going by what you said I don’t think he’d listen