Husband 'needs'

[NeedyOne]

An argument with DH about his needs not being met, the usual needs men demand. Sex.
I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection. His reply is that it's apparently all about me, my needs are always first and his never matter.

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage. I asked why he thinks it's ok to demand his needs are met but I'm apparently unreasonable to ask for him to spend time with me.

His reply was, that is my need, (time together) and that he shouldn't have to do it if his needs aren't being met.
I had to clarify a few times as surely he couldn't be saying time spent with your wife, watching a movie or whatever (he never arranges anything) is apparently a need and he doesn't and won't be engaging in it as he's not having sex.

This can not be real? Do men equate the two as equal.
Add in the fact we have small children that crawl over me before bed and I do all the household labour and childcare.

Mine was 41 - towards the end, following a prolonged period of no sexual activity,
when he had only wanted relief sex, ugh, shouted! at me,
and I’m entitled to my Conjugal Rights
I swear this is true
the key word there is ‘entitled’

in your instance OP, it seems to me that you really don’t want
to
as in, if you want to want to, you can find a way,
if you know you don’t want HIM, then you will find a way out

always good advice on these threads, as @LostTheMarble says,
look at the whole situation to see what is the probable cause
(apathy/indifference being strong possibilities)

@PoonamiMammi

It’s a shame for your relationships that you don’t accept that sulking is a form of emotional abuse. When you sulk, you don’t actually want to resolve the issue, do you? Sulking is a deliberate act on your part intending to cause distress to the other person.

Why choose to do that?

If you’re unhappy about something, an adult should use their words to clearly articulate what the problem is and how they think it might be resolved. Anything else is game playing and that belongs back in the playground at primary school.

He is utter scum.

Look, I said what I thought. It’s up to the op to decide what she wants and needs to do.
I just think that the LTB choir (that immediately forms without having much detail at hand) is usually quite unhelpful.

I do all the household labour and childcare

No wonder you don't want to have sex with him. What a prince.

You deserve much better.

I'm sorry to say that you are in a really bad marriage. I realise it's hard when you have young kids but this isn't the relationship for your life.

@MessyHouseHappyHouse Sulking can be a normal and justified reaction when someone has hurt us not everything amounts to emotional abuse there are wider contexts. If you want Married at First Sight sometimes the husband deserves a sulking wife because he was horrible to her first and she has to exist in the same place with him, why should she fake smiling or pretending like everything is normal? Can't a person be sad in peace? And then people say you shouldn't suppress your feelings or put a mask on! Which is it?

There is a spectrum and nuanced context to these things, it's not OK to start saying that because I say so then I must be making excuses to abuse, I absolutely am not. I just think people in general need not be so quick about villifying people when you have one sided accounts and to not make wide sweeping judgements about all 'sulking' behaviour is abusive, it can be a very human and normal reaction.

Why is this so common? Not only on here but my friends talk about their husbands demanding sex twice a week and sulking when it doesn’t happen. Grown ass man moping around the house because his wife is burnt out from working, childcare and the majority of housework to think about his knob. It’s utterly embarrassing and women deserve more!

I'm certain you're a divorce lawyer!

He doesn't see you as an autonomous human being with full agency over your own body and feelings.

You are "sub-human" to him. A body available for him to use.

That's no way to live.

There’s a word for men who want sex with women who don’t want it, OP. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you find the strength to leave this bastard soon.

@PoonamiMammi

Well ok, I hate porn but really what do nice men do then? Imagination?

No, nice men don’t make everything about themselves. They look into finding the cause of the problem within the relationship and try to resolve that first.

Presumably if their car doesn’t start in the morning, do they get angry and go out and buy a new one or do they accept that something is wrong and needs fixing and arrange for a mechanic to work out what’s wrong with it?

A nealthy relationship requires consideration and respect on both sides.

I don’t think sulking is a healthy adult response to disappointment. You can feel sad and down but it’s up to you to communicate why that is. You may even need space in your sadness but sulking, no. Going out of your way to ignore someone, to leave the room if they enter, to sit in deliberate silence, to make plans without them etc. It is different to being sad.

In this context too. A grown man is sulking because his wife does not want to have sex with him. I can see why people are equating it to emotional abuse as he is basically hoping she will give in. He knows he can’t shout and scream as that definitely is abuse…so he chooses a more coercive way to show his disappointment in the hope she will feel sorry for him and give in. For something she doesn’t want. That is abuse.

And sometimes the car just won’t ever work regardless of what you try to fix it so you send it to the scrap pile and get a new one…

some women shocker just don’t want sex and some only pretend to even want sex till they get their babies. Not all men are arseholes or bad men just because some women don’t want sex at all. Look at the rise of Asexual people and whatnot.

Why would you think that?

There is absolutely no point in staying with a man who doesn't do any household chores, won't look after his own children or even refuse to stay in the same room as his wife. That's even before you address his sulking and sexual coercion.

What is he bringing to their relationship? I can't see anything that would make me want to stay, so why should the OP put up with a crap relationship. Would you want to stay with someone like this?

OP - is there anything good in your relationship, something you can build on? If not then start looking at how to leave as this will only get worse.

giving credence to the line the best cure for Love is marriage

Grim. Divorce this lump of gristle. He has a basic and fundamental lack of respect for you as a person, and you won't fix that.

He sees you as a service that isn't operating, and he's stonewalling you to manipulate you into giving in. Well, unfortunately for him, you can happily watch a movie on your own.

He will have an affair, and blame it on you, save yourself a few years of drama heartache and get rid of him.

@PoonamiMammi

Sorry no, there’s never any justification for sulking as it’s now become attention seeking. They’re no longer behaving respectfully like an adult who wants to resolve a problem, but resorting to childhood behaviours.

Young children centre the world around them as they live in the moment and are incapable of considering another person’s point of view. However, most children eventually grow up and understand that communication and compromise are key to building successful relationships.

Honestly, who in their right mind would want to be in a relationship with a toddler?

Also this is all around degrading begging for sex! But i can imagine that he's a selfish sexual partner... If it was amazing and unselfish you'd have a better connection and equally WANT to get intimate with him. I use to find sex a chore intill I experienced phenomenonal sex then I was chasing him around the house lol! This situation is only going to lead to resentment, infidelity and divorce you are not compatible.

This whole idea of sex being a 'need' is ridiculous anyway. Nobody ever died from not having sex.

Sorry OP but your husband sounds utterly vile. He doesn't care about your happiness, only his own. You deserve better.

Love languages is shite - clearly written by a man. It has to have been, It gives them their get out of jail free card to never make an effort, never bother to remember their DW's birthday, never pay a compliment or notice anything, because their Luuuuurrve Language is to occasionally put the bins out or put their empty cup by the sink to be washed up by the staff. Pathetic.

I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection

The fact you've even had to point out his behaviour to him in such stark terms, (and yet depressingly, he still doesn't get it), means you're unfortunately married to a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal. And sulking is an absolute turn off.

i don't think counselling will have anything other than a short term effect, before he reverts to type. Sorry, you're better off on your own.

Sounds like a diamond. You do everything round the house and with the children, he doesn't want to spend time with you and constantly pesters you for sex.

And you're getting what out of the relationship exactly?

I'm so sorry you're going through this @NeedyOne I'm guessing your current argument is just one period of many where your husband is behaving this way. Yu probably reached out on here to vent and try to understand your own feelings.

Whilst i agree with some of the posters on here suggesting looking at both sides of this argument. Particularly @Crankymonkey and @Firefly1987 have given a fairly balanced view.

However I also know - because I've been there - how utterly awful it is to live with a husband who is coercive around sex and sulks for days on end when they don't get it. To worry that ANY touch from him will therefore HAVE to lead to sex. For any touch from that partner to start feeling more like a grope. For any hint or suggestion toward sex leads to lewd comments and the expectation that sex is on the cards.

IN my case - we did try counselling - the idea was we'd start with general couples counselling and then lead up to Sex counselling - we chose a specialist who dealt with both. Unfortunately - the counselling absolutely brought out the worst in him - it opened my eyes to the fact actually he was being coercive in everything - not just sex and I just couldn't then see him in any other way - I had actually been living with an abuser - he was just really subtle.

Only you can decide what comes next for you @NeedyOne but believe me you are not alone and many women have experienced the same as you. personally I found a book Too Bad to Stay, Too goo to leave very helpful and a tick tock I think called mending me enlightening.

Good Luck

Straight to the point, no faffing about!
I love it😂😂😂
(googles local t-shirt printing services)

And he's abusive.

Demanding sex in this way is coercive. You aren't consenting freely. Thats technically rape.