Husband 'needs'

[NeedyOne]

An argument with DH about his needs not being met, the usual needs men demand. Sex.
I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection. His reply is that it's apparently all about me, my needs are always first and his never matter.

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage. I asked why he thinks it's ok to demand his needs are met but I'm apparently unreasonable to ask for him to spend time with me.

His reply was, that is my need, (time together) and that he shouldn't have to do it if his needs aren't being met.
I had to clarify a few times as surely he couldn't be saying time spent with your wife, watching a movie or whatever (he never arranges anything) is apparently a need and he doesn't and won't be engaging in it as he's not having sex.

This can not be real? Do men equate the two as equal.
Add in the fact we have small children that crawl over me before bed and I do all the household labour and childcare.

Actually no cheeky. I know who you are based on your false assumptions on your first post, and the rest of your posts just confirmed my opinion. However you are posting absolute garbage on a sensitive thread made by a vulnerable woman who might actually be fooled by your posts. I'm just pointing out some of the ridiculous stuff you are posting so nobody falls for your twaddle.

You can't just put things on SM and expect people to just agree with you.

You can offer other suggestions and other people are perfectly within their rights to disagree with you. That is not beating up on you as you suggest.

Why would you suggest that she might have stonewalled him back, that's just making things up to suit your agenda. And you're not just offering other suggestions, you're rubbishing other people's calling them a 'bunch of unhappily married women' talking 2nd wave BS. Your contempt for women drips through in your posts.

I don't care what your agenda is but I think you're disingenuous to suggest you're just trying to help and everyone with a different viewpoint isn't and just doesn't have your insight and oh so superior experience.

@NeedyOne I'd be having sex with him precisely never.

Why would you want to have sex with someone who treats you so rudely & coldly??

you're NOT 'needy' you just want to be in a decent relationship where you live & like each other & want to spend time together.

i think you'd be better off without him before he completely strips all of your self esteem & wil to live.

That's so disappointing and hurtful @NOTthisOldchestnut. I can understand completely how painful that is that your DH is turning affection into a transaction.

If you don't feel it's genuinely part of being loving, it just doesn't feel the same.

He's handling it immaturely and in the worst way possible.
If you want to have the conversation with him then I would say something along the lines of how you both have needs for connection, he need sex to feel desired and valued and connected to you and you need QUALITY time, non-sexual affection and to feel appreciated for you to feel desired, valued and connected to him. Now you can both ignore each others needs or make it a battle refusing to meet the others needs until yours is met and letting resentment build or you can both try to meet the others needs.
If you both have connection needs why should you meet his if he's refusing to meet yours? If he doesn't see the rational thinking there then I don't know what else to suggest.
I'd also add that sulking is completely counter-productive as it's a huge turn off and is this really how he wants to act, I'm sure he doesn't think that well of anyone else sulking.

He says I'm self centred and selfish

Id be telling him to tell the solicitor these are the two reason you want to divorce me....now off you fuck

This would all make sense to a mature in mind not age - male. Marriage is a two way street with both people within the marriage having different needs. Sadly your husband is not getting that and probably never will.

Is he also a selfish lover taking what he wants and leaving you high and dry?

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage.
He says I'm self centred and selfish.

He'll be ok for a few days then sulk. It's awful to live in

I asked yesterday if he wanted to discuss it rather than ignore me, he just said 'urgh' like it was a chore he couldn't be bothered with, which I said made me feel like an object only good for one thing but not worthy of speaking to.

He explained that it was him having to spend time with me was selfish and self centred etc.

I get no conversation outside of sex, no hugs unless groped

I think he assumes if I'm not interested there and then that I find him repulsive etc rather than the truth being that I'm worn out and not a permanent revving engine.

he's never said I had to when I didn't want it, he just shuts down and won't speak. Then says I'm selfish.

I've highlighted the main parts in bold from OPs posts just as a reminder for you, but what OP is saying on this thread, is that he doesn't spend any time with them as a family, we can infer from that is that OP holds all the domestic and childcare responsibilities. He speaks to her and physically touches her ONLY when he wants sex from her, if she says she's not feeling it or doesn't like the way he gropes her and makes lewd comments, he then calls her selfish and self centred for not instantly being ready for sex when he is, then sulks for days, refuses to engage in conversation about it and refuses to spend any time with OP outside work unless he knows it will lead to sex.

Her husband is not prepared to meet any of the OP needs all the time, (not just on one topic either) she is telling him she feels alone, used and uncared for and he continues to punish her further for not servicing him when he demands it. No one persons needs should come before the other in a marriage, you should both want to meet each others needs, he can't disregard hers and demand his, that's not how a healthy relationship works.

You saying you 'fail to see what is abusive here' is just astonishing.

Sorry to say it but I think a lot of men are like this. My DH is the same, makes little effort at conversation some days unless it's to make some lewd remarks about sex later on, does fuck-all housework unless I get pissed at him and prioritises his man-job over well, anything else. And then he wonders why - given that we've had no meaningful connection all day - I get irritated when he follows me upstairs to bed, once I've cooked dinner, fed the kids, bathed the kids, put the little one down and not even had the opportunity to wash myself. I work a full time job too but this seems to be of no consequence.

He sulks and gets all stroppy when sex isn't on the table. It's really off -putting. My best friend recently confided in me that her DP is the same.

Don't know what the answer is. They all seem to be the same

Despite having lived with a man like this myself, I truly hope they’re not all the same. Or I at least hope (most of us) can raise better sons so future women don’t have to go through it.

I left, I’m so so much happier for it. I can’t quite verbalise it, but it felt like I was dragging a boulder around and one day just let go of it. Men like this leave you exhausted in every possible way and you just don’t realise how much until you break away.

This is because he's projecting his selfishness and wrong doing onto you OP! It's a classic abuse tactic called "DARVO"- Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender!
His accusations of you being "selfish" are actually confessions! Don't fall for it!
I hope to God the that our replies to you help you see through his manipulations and nasty tactics. He has you in an emotional trap at the moment, but you CAN escape it, you just need to know how and see the way out clearly! Like I said, please contact Women's Aid, they're experienced in helping women get free of all sorts of abusive men and he IS abusive OP! It really IS him, not you, God love you!

This ^ with bells on.

Exactly! I felt neglected and deprioritised and near the end, like he'd rather spend his free time with anyone else but me. He couldn't give me a hug without groping me. I tried time and time again to explain my POV and my feelings and needs to him but he never took it on board.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect to be your husband's favourite person and top priority, along with the children you share. If your not, and he doesn't even want to relax with you of an evening, refuses to help round the house and with his OWN children, you get to feel like he doesn't even like you, and you're his LEAST favourite person and either at the bottom of his priority list, or not even on the list at all!
So, what's the point of marrying you in the first place. I don't think men develop this attitudes and behaviours due to our actions, not life circumstances, I think it's deeply ingrained attitudes developed in childhood and they were never fit for marriage and fatherhood in the first place. It sometimes just takes a while for these evil attitudes to become apparent, because they pretend to be someone they're not to draw you in. Once they have you trapped, that's when they start to show what they really are! Misogynists and people of low character!
I think such men are frauds and that's why I'm seeking an annulment! We deserve spouses who have integrity and the ability and willingness to love us selflessly, and if they don't, it's not safe for us!
Please, please contact Women's Aid OP! Look after yourself and your children, he'll only get worse. I'm so sorry!

Fucking hell, what are you on?

dump him - what are you waiting for?

He thinks spending time with you is meeting your needs? How self absorbed is he that he thinks that his mere presence is meeting your needs 🙈 sulking because you won’t have sex with him is his attempt at coercing you into it. And he doesnt do any childcare/household tasks? Does he have any good qualities?

I have no idea but I feel like I want some!
Ignorance is bliss as they say, and you don’t get more ignorant than @cheekycheekshiyah , who has happily gone off to make sure her husband has some lunch while she folds washing.

I am so astonished how a woman can be so misogynistic. How a woman can enable abuse like this. And blame the OP too. But in her little mind we’re all vanilla housewives who don’t care for sex or our husband’s “needs”…

** I am single and love casual hookups and sex parties, but won’t let that get in the way of her odd agenda. I’m flabbergasted that a woman like that can exist this side of 1950. I truly am flabbergasted!

Because the kids growing up with a sulking man who does no parenting or housework, often gives everyone the silent treatment and bullies his wife into sex, is so great for them? Ridiculous.

Talking not sulking would be a good start. But it's difficult when you get into a rut. Maybe couples therapy? I don't really know, but I see couples who don't talk, splitting (in my family). So it can't be just left. I am aware that is what I'm doing, to a degree.

Isn't this exactly the same whichever way round you look at it? You're not 'giving' him sex because he isn't giving you companionship, he's not giving you companionship allegedly because you're not giving him sex? It's a stalemate and clearly transactional. But not really any different from all the other discussions on here where a woman says she doesn't want as much sex as her dh and people suggest that it's because he's not doing enough of the domestic chores.

Frankly, your relationship is stone cold dead if you no longer want to be intimate with your partner and your partner doesn't want your company either.

Doing typical chores and being a companion to your lifelong partner isn’t ’transactional’, it’s basic life. It’s not a standard to reach, it’s the bare minimum you should be doing. But you’re right, if you can’t be arsed to do that, and still expect your partner to find you sexually attractive (especially when thinking sex is the expectation above all else) the yes, your relationship is pretty much over.

They're not needs.

They're wants and demands.

As so many men think, you're a domestic appliance that is required to work in a particular way when the switch is flicked.

Complete ignorance of the reality of being all touched out when you have small kids, of the memory of the end result of sex being potentially another labour experience, the physical exhaustion.

Failing to note that what turns women on may not be what turns him on.

What about if there's no sex but plenty of physical and emotional intimacy, eg physical closeness, cuddling, laughing together? Does this make up for lack of sex, or are you also lacking intimacy? I only ask as I've heard many times that the lack of intimacy is the killer rather than the lack of sex.

We still have plenty of laughs together, we travel, enjoy being together, going out etc. The physical side - almost nothing, cuddles included but she's never been all that touchy feely. I feel like we're very good friends with house and kids now in their 20s. It's not all bad, tbh, but not at all what I imagined my life would be. I have to take responsibility for it too, it takes two. I think I'm avoiding the tough conversation I know is needed if I want that side back, but also, scared it's too late.

Are you serious? You think him doing no parenting, housework and not treating his wife like an actual human being, is all the same thing as her not wanting to have sex with a selfish, lazy, bullying, arsehole?
The excuses made for revolting men never cease to amaze me. Imagine a woman refusing to parent her kids because her husband hasn’t ‘given her’ sex! I don’t think you’d be defending her for even a second.