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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"School refusal" trend

436 replies

ruthxxx0 · 02/07/2024 20:21

Can't help noticing the spike in this over recent times...
In my line of work I'm coming across increasing numbers of families who have child(ren) who "refuse" to attend school... Parents pretty much shrug their shoulder and say things like "I can't make them attend" (we're talking about primary aged children). Or "they don't like the rules/teachers/uniform/the classroom decor..".
I'm from a generation and background where school attendance wasn't a "choice" for children to make then dictate to their parents.
Parents (being the adults!) were the ones who sent the children to school.
Today I met with a family who had allowed their 10 year old to pretty much stay in their bedroom for almost a year, not been to school and didn't seem under any urgency to works towards getting the child back to school.... No mental health concerns (not referred to CAMHS or GP either). The child just "didn't want to go" and parent was ok with this. Just for a quiet life, to avoid the child "kicking off". Like seriously... What's wrong with today's parents?

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 02/07/2024 20:27

Politely, I think you are living in a totally different paradigm to these parents, and so you are filtering their reports through your own experiences and drawing conclusions that are very unrepresentative of their lived realities.

EVHead · 02/07/2024 20:28

You’ve no idea what’s going on in the family or with these children. Keep your beak out.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 02/07/2024 20:28

Some parents are shit and lazy. That’s not new. But now children have so much tech at home they wont be bored at home all day either.

ExtraOnions · 02/07/2024 20:28

My child had undiagnosed Autism, which led to anxiety and depression. She had Emotionally Based School Avoidance (you can stick your “school refusal”).

She also had no CAMHS involvement to start with, as we (probably like you), just thought that she was “refusing” because she couldn’t be arsed - I wish I had known about EBSA, as a lot of damage was done to her by people saying helpful things like “just turn the WiFi off” or “take her electronics off her” and other pointless advice.

My daughter was in her bedroom for a year, it was hugely painful for all of us.

Until you have walked a mile in the shoes of a parent who’s child feels unable to go to school, keep your judgement to yourself.

Haggisfish3 · 02/07/2024 20:31

It’s actually really difficult to ‘make’ a teenager go somewhere they don’t want to. I agree times have changed but it’s more that kids have woken up to the fact there isn’t a huge amount anyone can necessarily do to make them. And school is a hugely overwhelming and miserable experience for some kids. And I say all this as a teacher and a parent of a school refuser.

SuffolkBargeWoman · 02/07/2024 20:31

My undiagnosed autistic daughter 'refused' school.
School 'refusal' can be a classic symptom of autism.
Are you one of those people who thinks autism is down to lax parenting @ruthxxx0 ?

NeelyOHara1 · 02/07/2024 20:32

I do wonder (theoretically) whether if school was no longer made compulsory and the whole apparatus to make it so dismantled if it would have the effect of luring many of the refusenik kids back simply due to boredom, lol.

WittyFatball · 02/07/2024 20:33

Bit like the teaching refusal trend, where teachers keep refusing to go to school and get signed off sick and QUIT!
Thousands of them leaving the profession!!

Panpastels · 02/07/2024 20:34

Maybe don't judge unless you have experienced this. notfineinschool.co.uk/

ILoveDaysOff · 02/07/2024 20:39

Very much agree it's impossible to see this through the lens of a parent who has found themselves in the situation of having a child who can't go to school. Nobody wants a child who is utterly anxious/miserable and cannot cope with school. Who in their right mind would CHOOSE that. It is extremely stressful.

If you fancy coming to try and physically drag a child bigger than age 11 who is in meltdown... Why not give it a try? I speak from experience saying it's VERY hard/impossible. If you're successful maybe you could set up a sideline doing it and make some money. Restrain them and bundle them into a van....?

If you have any alternative suggestions... Go ahead. I'm sure all the parents of "school refuses" will be on tenterhooks...

To anyone who feels like a failure for having a kid who can't attend school, know that you're not.

Mouswife · 02/07/2024 20:44

I have worked directly with school refusers , and some are genuinely children needing help whilst others are the product of poor parenting and neglect. Every case is different, but they are all incredibly sad. Education is a right and a privilege that people in poor countries dream of having. It’s awful when children miss out on what could be a great opportunity

Octavia64 · 02/07/2024 20:45

My child self harmed when she was made to go to school.

Obviously I didn't broadcast this.

Luio · 02/07/2024 20:46

Covid lockdowns showed them that not going to school was an option and, like all the adults who have chosen to wfh, some children have decided they would rather be at home. The typical large comprehensive school environment does not suit that many children.

RatHole · 02/07/2024 20:48

YABU.
My son school refused from 6. He ramped it up from 11.
As a smaller child he would run away and hide, lash out, scream, if I managed to get him to school I couldn’t get him out of the car. Two teachers once frog marched him in when they saw me struggling.
At 11 we literally couldn’t get near him. He would attack whoever approached him.

At the time teachers, family and friends were open about thinking we were being really slack about school, that we were not trying, we just needed to tell him to get in.

If you don’t have personal experience of it you haven’t got the slightest fucking clue what it’s like.

There’s a spike probably because schools are currently a really shit place for lots of children to be. Sort that out, support the children who need it, maybe attendance will improve.

YouCanRingMyBellingham · 02/07/2024 20:48

Please tell me how to get my anxious agoraphobic autistic 6'4" 15 year old dressed and out of his bedroom into the car and to school? When he's in full meltdown mode, lashing out, kicking and punching and trying to cut himself.

The only help school gave was to suggest taking his door off and then sending a teacher to collect him. That worked as well as us trying to get him there (!)

Dfod with your hoisted judgey pants and things you clearly have no idea about.

AnOldCynic · 02/07/2024 20:49

What's your line of work? In what context are you coming across these families?

JMSA · 02/07/2024 20:50

My 14 year old daughter had recently started to refuse school.
Prior to this, I was of the 'I'd drag them out of their bed' school of thought Blush
Now I know better than to judge Sad
Truth is though, I've been absolutely bending over backwards to make it happen.
There comes a point, however, when you have to take a slight step back. I was making myself ill with the stress of it.
So maybe that's what you have interpreted as not caring. And there is so much shame involved as well.
It's a horrible situation to be in.

Catwontwork · 02/07/2024 20:53

As above. This year I have one child with 100% attendance and another with 80.
Pretty much every percent of that 80 has been miserable struggle for both me and the child and the 20 that they’ve been at home just as miserable.
I have camhs, the school and social services trying to help but no one can make them go. It makes me feel even worse to see people thinking I haven’t tried.

Riversideandrelax · 02/07/2024 20:53

ruthxxx0 · 02/07/2024 20:21

Can't help noticing the spike in this over recent times...
In my line of work I'm coming across increasing numbers of families who have child(ren) who "refuse" to attend school... Parents pretty much shrug their shoulder and say things like "I can't make them attend" (we're talking about primary aged children). Or "they don't like the rules/teachers/uniform/the classroom decor..".
I'm from a generation and background where school attendance wasn't a "choice" for children to make then dictate to their parents.
Parents (being the adults!) were the ones who sent the children to school.
Today I met with a family who had allowed their 10 year old to pretty much stay in their bedroom for almost a year, not been to school and didn't seem under any urgency to works towards getting the child back to school.... No mental health concerns (not referred to CAMHS or GP either). The child just "didn't want to go" and parent was ok with this. Just for a quiet life, to avoid the child "kicking off". Like seriously... What's wrong with today's parents?

Some of us like me are not interested in forcing our DC into school. We want them to be learning and happy and thriving. I could say what's wrong with today's teachers?

WASZPy · 02/07/2024 20:57

Many schools are shit places to be right now and the kids least able to cope with that have voted with their feet.

DollopOfFun · 02/07/2024 20:59

After my 13th birthday, I attended precisely six days of school.

I was a 'refuser'. My mum tried everything to get me to go- threats, bribery, tears and begging, I was seen at various times by the teachers, the head, the GP, by the LEA truancy dept, and a child psychologist. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could have got my arse into that classroom.

I'm almost 50.

School refusal is not a new phenomenon.

Chipshopninja · 02/07/2024 21:00

You can't expect children who were told for 2 years "it's OK you can just do your work at home" to suddenly accept that physically being in a school equals the epitome of education.

The same as I feel about office working to be honest

autienotnaughty · 02/07/2024 21:01

@ruthxxx0

So you have a 6foot depressed 15 year old son who's refusing to go to school. How are you making him go? And if he gets there and walks out how are you getting him back in?

You don't know how you would manage it because you haven't experienced it.

sevsal · 02/07/2024 21:02

I was a school refuser, of course back in the early 90s we didn't call it that, we didn't question why and we simply dished out punishment - the trauma was real.

But yeah, now we understand it, such a trend

Gallowayan · 02/07/2024 21:02

I think lock downs introduced yet more parental discretion into to equation. Which has made the whole situation worse.

Honestly not blaming parents, or kids, or schools, and I don't have the answer. But there has been a cultural shift around attendance.

The fact that attendance is now implicitly seen as a matter of choice by kids, and their parents, is a whole new mindset, and a game changer. Difficult to put that particular cat back in the bag.

There really was no choice for kids in the 70s parents and schools had the authority to compel you to attend and that was all there was too it. No precidents for school refusal; it just didn't happen.

I would be interested to hear any inteligent opinions on how we fix this?