"School refusal" trend

[ruthxxx0]

Can't help noticing the spike in this over recent times...
In my line of work I'm coming across increasing numbers of families who have child(ren) who "refuse" to attend school... Parents pretty much shrug their shoulder and say things like "I can't make them attend" (we're talking about primary aged children). Or "they don't like the rules/teachers/uniform/the classroom decor..".
I'm from a generation and background where school attendance wasn't a "choice" for children to make then dictate to their parents.
Parents (being the adults!) were the ones who sent the children to school.
Today I met with a family who had allowed their 10 year old to pretty much stay in their bedroom for almost a year, not been to school and didn't seem under any urgency to works towards getting the child back to school.... No mental health concerns (not referred to CAMHS or GP either). The child just "didn't want to go" and parent was ok with this. Just for a quiet life, to avoid the child "kicking off". Like seriously... What's wrong with today's parents?

I think the issue is that there is no money to support kids with SEN. As such, they go through hell at school and refuse to go. Not hard to work out.

And I'd still like to know how working parents are meant to deal with this "school refusal" issue?! Do you give up work? Move to a smaller property? Get benefits? Etc etc we couldn't keep a roof over our heads if both myself and husband didn't work!

So can't they just go to a school for SEN kids then? Means they'll struggle less with the work and parents can still go to work.

No, there aren't enough places, even for kids whose needs require a special school, rather than "just" a unit or adaptations at a mainstream school- which are hit and miss anyway. Loads of kids are not even assessed for the education plans which are required for SEN schools, because the list is too long and councils do not meet their legal requirement. Yes, it's an outrage. Yes, we've "said something". It's absolutely fucking shit.

Usually the families are completely run ragged trying to earn money and support their kids. I've had to give up work - though I've now found something WFH - and DH has had to request serious adjustments which, luckily, due to his niche expertise he was granted. Ultimately, our financial planning is completely out of the window- but that would have been the same if DD had developed cancer, or been twins, or have been a violin prodigy who wanted to go to private school. We're parents, we adapt. Doesn't mean it's easy.

The word ‘just’ is doing a lot of heavy lifting in your posts. It is incredibly difficult to obtain a place in a special school. And we have tried all the blindingly obvious suggestions like ‘just’ talking positively about school and setting clear expectations. Perhaps the posters on this thread who think they have all the answers should ‘just’ sit back and accept they don’t fully understand the issue? Or even RTFT??

Bless your naive sweet little heart. If only it were so easy

We have a huge issue with school attendance. I don't know what the answer is, but I know several families where children have gradually disengaged from school and it's hard to watch them suffer

Do you feel it's got worse since Covid? And since then it is accepted kids could "learn" from home? Coupled with the ideology that adults can also "work" from home?
Now employers are getting adults back in the work place as it's been proven that a lot take the mick. Just wondering if schools will follow suit. I know my dd fares much better in a classroom environment and suffered from proper teaching over Covid.

I'm regretting forcing my child in. She has 100% attendance.

She is physically in the building but has not been in the classroom since before December. Has not interacted with a peer since around January. She is 1-1 in a side room/cupboard all day everyday.

She is not accessing any learning. She is not in the situation she is working but out of class. Her work expectations are either maths or English (heavily adapted and a small amount of about 10-15 minutes) 4 days a week. 1 day without any maths or English where she is meant to be doing a project but hasn't engaged yet.

We have specialist agreed and potentially another 15 months of this set up.

They aren't recognising just how inappropriate and poor her provision is because she has 100% attendance.

She is receiving less by a considerable amount than all the children whose parents didn't force them in and are accessing AP instead. But because she has 100% attendance then nothing else matters.

We have a very positive attitude, thanks. One child generally likes school but occasionally has the odd moan. He always goes, even when times are tough. The youngest loves it and has never said she doesn't want to go - she thrives in the environment, much like her brother. The middle child has massive anxiety over going as the environment is hugely inappropriate for her needs. What happens when parents have to work is that they eventually can't. I had to give up so not a decision we made lightly. She has only ever had one day off for anxiety but often I was helping the teachers to get her comfortable and reduce anxiety for an hour which wasn't conducive to working. I didn't want to give up my career which I had been working in for 20+ years but I felt I had no choice.

I expect Covid is a factor for some, but No, I don't think it's just that. Of the six children I know -

• one was subsequently diagnosed with autism and flourished when they eventually got a place at special school
• one was HE for a while and did well after changing to different school
• one is HE and studying for exams
• one tried college but couldn't cope
• two spend all waking hours gaming in their bedrooms, with no idea if it's night or day

Five of them were struggling before Covid

All the families bar one were thoroughly committed to their children's education and at their wits' end when their child increasingly refused to attend. It's simplistic to say "just make them". One they're old enough to seriously resist, you'd risk being prosecuted for assault

Brilliant idea. The budgets for identifying, diagnosing and assessing these additional needs will needs to go up massively, because currently it takes about 2 years of severe difficulties including school refusal, self harm etc, before even getting to be considered a priority for assessment due to the enormous waiting lists, and then there are no places available, so there would need to be hundreds of new SEN schools, and of course each place at an SEN specialist school costs £30k per year or more due to the increased staff to pupil ratios and personalised curriculums. An extra billion pounds a year probably wouldn't be nearly enough.

SEN schools don’t exist for these kids. SEN provision is full of kids with severe and profound difficulties and there is no room for kids with school-based anxiety and more moderate difficulties. For every kid with a place in a provision there’s probably another ten who need it but there is no room. There is barely any provision for kids with school anxiety.

As a parent you are gaslit and disbelieved and it is severely traumatic. www.specialneedsjungle.com/parents-disabled-children-traumatised-public-bodies-support/

I mean, anyone would think support grows on trees freely. Imagine having a child with social anxiety, who self harms and has suicidal ideations being turned away from camhs for counselling for not being n enough need…. Only then do you realise how many people are fighting for support when it just does not exist. If it did, perhaps “just” getting them into school would be less traumatic for parent and child.

This is one of the most ignorant comments I have ever read! Do you know it often costs £75k a year for a child to go to a SEN school? Do you also know that there are a lack of places and that a lot of children with SEN wouldn't be suited to a SEN school anyway. Many are capable of doing the work and are highly intelligent. But they can't cope in the school environment.

@Yerroblemom1923

You obviously have no idea about EBSA or you wouldn’t have posted what you did.

I can almost guarantee that every parent who ends up in this awful, isolating, stressful and heart breaking situation started their DC out in the right way with positivity about school, parented them in a loving way, read to them, nurtured them and has parented their DCs in a similar way to parents who don’t have DC that struggle.

It’s nothing to do with parenting or any impression they were given about school. It’s really just a question of pot luck. It could just as easily be you as me or anyone else on here. It can affect anyone.

You don’t sound smug so much as just uninformed (ditto comments about just sending them to a special school) . I don’t blame you for your ignorance though. Most of us on here who have been through this or are going through this would rather know absolutely nothing on the subject either!

Two of my children school refused.

Both were mentally unwell. One of them eventually returned to school, the other never did, and at 21 is too mentally and physically ill to work or study.

I'm on a parenting mental health group on facebook. Parents on that group are in absolute despair about this issue.

When my daughter was doing it - started in year 9 - I would wake up every morning with a stone in my stomach. For about a two years, every school day would start with a battle of wills, which my daughter would usually win, because unlike me, she didn't have a problem with using violence, and she was bigger than me.

On the rare occasion I could persuade her to get in the car she would sometimes get out at a traffic light and run away. I'd then spend the day driving around trying to find her. Several times we had to involve the police. She's 25 now and we're years past that, but I'll never forget the impact it had on our family.

The assumption that the families of children who are school refusing are OK with their kidsn turning their backs on education, and haven't tried to do anything about it, only comes from people who've never experienced it and don't understand what a desperate situation it is for families.

Considering we have kids at my school (of ks2 age) who are still non verbal and in nappies and still waiting for a special school place (maybe next year?) what do you think?

Erm you do realise most parents do do this? EBSA is not purely a parenting issue.

It all boils down to this, really.

This, and the fact that modern life is much much more demanding, including in schools, and many of today’s children missed out on a whole load of socialisation during lockdown.

Once out of the habit, going back into the social world can be very overwhelming. I felt it after lockdown, and still do to an extent. A full working week in the office now exhausts me where it didn’t before. Imagine the impact on developing children.

Back in the day children learned from a young age that school is not a choice but a fun place to go, see your friends and enjoy learning

I'm a primary school teacher. School is not fun any more. Curriculum is too packed with challenging subject matter too early on. Teachers are stressed by the pressure on results, lack of resources, increasingly higher needs that they aren't trained to deal with. Secondary school is even worse - dry curriculum based on rote knowledge rather than skills, not enough teachers so even if you are lucky enough to have one they might not be very good, stricter and stricter tules to compensate for not having enough adults to manage all the students, huge pressure on achieving good grades.

I feel sorry for all kids these days. For ND kids or those with anxiety/trauma it is awful.

The assumption that the families of children who are school refusing are OK with their kidsn turning their backs on education, and haven't tried to do anything about it, only comes from people who've never experienced it and don't understand what a desperate situation it is for families.

Absolutely this. People with no comprehension will still pile on with the parent-blaming though.

As If we don’t already feel bad enough… 🫣

I wish that school refusal had been a thing when I was growing up. I had a truly terrible time at school. Bullied daily, I wanted to die but didn't have support at school or home.

Now I panic when my dd has bad days at school, which she does tbh

as she has asd aswell, I feel the stress of wondering whether I'm doing the right thing sending her in when she gets distressed.

I understand the parents who legitimately have kids who are refusing school

it isn't the fun, inclusive place that people believe, it can be a battlefield for some

I hope this isn't derailing or too distressing to bring up but I just wondered if any of you parents of disabled or struggling children will have the energy to help fight the PIP cuts they're currently trying to push through? These probably don't affect you now but they might make the difference between your child having an (admittedly pretty tiny) income when they're older or you having to support them financially for the rest of your lives. Sorry to add to the stress, just wondered if any of you have the energy for this or if you've all got too much on your plates as it is?

Oh if only it was that simple.
I have 2 DC. Up till about 2 years ago they both had pretty much perfect attendance, give or take the odd vomiting bug etc
But now they can no longer cope. We understand now it's autistic burnout/autistic anxiety and all those years of masking and fitting in have taken their toll.
Also following advice to get them into school at all costs which in hindsight actually made things worse. At a recent meeting a SENCO actually described DC2's recent school experience as "trauma"