"School refusal" trend

[ruthxxx0]

Can't help noticing the spike in this over recent times...
In my line of work I'm coming across increasing numbers of families who have child(ren) who "refuse" to attend school... Parents pretty much shrug their shoulder and say things like "I can't make them attend" (we're talking about primary aged children). Or "they don't like the rules/teachers/uniform/the classroom decor..".
I'm from a generation and background where school attendance wasn't a "choice" for children to make then dictate to their parents.
Parents (being the adults!) were the ones who sent the children to school.
Today I met with a family who had allowed their 10 year old to pretty much stay in their bedroom for almost a year, not been to school and didn't seem under any urgency to works towards getting the child back to school.... No mental health concerns (not referred to CAMHS or GP either). The child just "didn't want to go" and parent was ok with this. Just for a quiet life, to avoid the child "kicking off". Like seriously... What's wrong with today's parents?

Take a look at my post and come back to me with a magic answer please.

Have you ever tried to drag a 6 foot 14 stone teenager to school? My ds used to be physically sick at the thought of going to school.

You've not read a single post have you.

Please come help get my autistic/adhd 13 year old and nearly 6ft son out the door for school. You obviously know all the tricks OP!

Just be careful you don't get injured when he is in a meltdown and don't get too upset looking at all the self harm marks on his wrists because the thought of the classroom terrifies him.

Please do not judge others until you have been in that position.

As I said to another user, take a look at my comment and please do come back to me with a magic answer

Or actually, feel free to contact my child's social worker (children with disabilities team) and see if you can give them a magic fix.

It's a big signaller of children being in an environment where their needs cannot be met. Huge investment needed into more awareness of neurodiversity and what that means, alternative school environments are needed, support for parents, nice affordable homes need to be a reality. Families are far apart, stress is awful, social media a pressure and no support for parents or children. Pay specialists appropriately.

I was a 'school refuser' in the 90s (later turned out to be because of AuDHD) and I didn't go for the last two years. But I loved learning and spent my time at home independently researching and reading and teaching myself. I got straight A* GCSEs which I sat in a single room in a PRU. Tell me what it was those two years of school attendance were supposed to have got me apart from burnout, self harm and overwhelm?

Then my DD also school refused. Same reasons, similar ND presentation. I did not make her go to school, because why would I? Just because an education system is set up and embedded for the masses, doesn't mean it will work for everyone.

I’m a teacher working with children with EBSA. As someone else rightly pointed out, it often comes from undiagnosed issues and/or neglect or trauma. It’s extremely complex and extremely distressing for all involved.

Mainstream school is dreadful for a significant minority of children and there are no other options available for those who don’t conform to the norm. It makes me ashamed to work in education sometimes…

As a society we'd be foolish to accept that every refusal is true refusal. In some cases, the refusal isn't challenged by parents, until the parents come under some kind of pressure from school or LA.

Not every school refuser is supported to get into school.

The majority of school refuses are being let down by the government.

OP you're massively ignorant. I was going to respond but I feel it'd be futile.

@Panpastels thanks for sharing that link, it looks really useful

In the kindest possible way, most 5 year olds aren't suicidal. I'm very sorry you are going through this. I am talking about the majority, were children scream and cry and actually fine at school but as the parents only see that side and have to put in alot of effort they decide the child can have their own way and no boundaries.

I can Imagine you taking my stance personally but I'm not aiming at people who's children are suicidal at 5.

The most tragic impact of everything is that there will be a generation of adults in 15-20 years with no education, no employable skills and a myriad of MH problems (essentially what contributed to the school refusal in first place). The NHS is already on its knees and the COL shooting up. The disparity between rich and poor will keep widening and possibly create a dystopian society where a small percentage live in luxury enjoying private healthcare and private schools, and the rest in squalor & debt with virtually no chances of a normal life.

Whereas school refusal on an individual level is easily justified and understandable, the macro effect is going to be horrendous. People currently talk about gender privilege, race privilege but in a few decades it will be intellectual privilege. Kids who never went to school will never manage to catch up on literacy levels and social skills compared to ones that did, and be denied really basic opportunities. Once their parents are no longer in the picture, they will have to rely on themselves to sort out social care, UC/PIP and deal with an already broken health system. The politicians and law maker will be part of the educated elite and obviously rig the system against the poorest who lack resources on (financial, intellectual, emotional) every level to fight back.

The UK is literally reverting into a third world country where a substantial proportion of the population are illiterate or lack basic skills that make them employable. Lawlessness and crime will keep on rising as that's the only option for people to keep themselves alive. Educated people with resources to do so will emigrate to countries with better quality of life for themselves and their children.

MN is quite gender critical and there's a current thread on how people would react if their child came out as trans. The answers were all very much against the idea of supporting it and making it clear where the boundary is. This is an unpopular opinion but school refusal should be given similar boundaries. Unless it's an extreme or arguably life or death situation, getting an education needs to be non-negotiable.

The strange thing is that people are perfectly willing to drop their 2 year olds off at nursery despite hysterical crying and crystal clear signs they don't want to be there. Some children take weeks or months to settle but the general sentiment is that they will adapt. However it becomes much easier for kids to skip school when they're older, despite the long term effects being catastrophic.

OP - You have no idea whatsoever about how much education has changed. I did well in school - it was the making of me. But I would not send my child to our local school for all the tea in china. It is a hell hole.

My DS was like a brand new person after lockdown schooling. Just completely transformed. Then he went back to school and I had to watch him spiralling towards a nervous breakdown. It was just awful to watch.

He is now out of school and gradually recovering. I will not be sending him back.

Stop judging people when you have no idea what life is really like for kids these days.

I don't live in a box most opinions are made by real life experiences not by randomers online. Some children can't genuinely go to school, others parents hate the routine and effort, some want dla ... the last two are ones I see alot.

Well there is going to be a spectrum isn't there, from lazy neglectful parents who can't be arsed, to parents who are at their wits end trying every possible avenue to get their child back into school. But its definitely on the increase, yes. Lockdown certainly contributed to the problem, my youngest is socially awkward and loved being at home. She has sn and anxiety about school, she doesn't make friends easily, is crap at sport, art etc, and is equally crap at schoolwork as she has a learning difficulty. It's a struggle every single day, she regularly feigns illness, even when I get her in if she tells the school she is sick they have to act on it. So far she has never point blank refused to go but its only a matter of time. There is literally nothing in school that she likes/wants to do. Next year is an exam year so she will likely have a lot of headaches and stomach aches, all i can do is my best.

Ok then, so why don't you give concrete examples of how that would look like. After a certain age, even frogmarching/manhandling them into school doesn't work. So bar beating it out of them, how exactly do you force a kid to get into school?

Certainly looks that way in a lot of cases.

My DD would make herself physically sick at age 5 to get out of school.

She is about 4 feet now and when she gets a meltdown before school, I can just about physically drag her to school. Sometimes she hits or kicks me or says stuff like: I will never love you again mummy.

The worst thing is that she doesn't want this either. After she comes to her senses she is very ashamed of her behaviour. It's like a short circuit in her brain.

Oh and we are a family that takes education very seriously, and so does DD. She loves learning, just not at school.

You just pick them up out of the car and take them in.

The majority of parents have had to do that at some point in their lives. You make school non negotiable.

I’ve two children who both went through a year each of school refusal, one changed clssses and had no friends and HATED school and started to fail all his subjects, he was miserable all the time and just lay in bed.

See in the 80s I could have brought up a wooden spoon and threatened him or something horrible but now, strangely we talk to our kids and they tell us they’re miserable, they hate it, they’re crying. Sometimes they’ll make it to the car but won’t get out at the school. What do I do then op? What do I do when I’ve had a conversation, spoken gently, bartered, begged, threatened with removal of this or that or you can’t go swimming or to the cinema?

What line of work do you work in where you’re so dismissive of parents and how they’re parenting op? I have NEVER been as irritated by a post as I am right now.

You are the exception, not the rule. It's clear that the vast majority of children with neurodiversity who live in poverty or broken homes will not be sitting at their desks "educating" themselves until they get straight As in all subjects. They will just idle away their time, most likely via screens which has an even more detrimental effect to their overall MH and well-being. Even if they have a wholesome childhood out in nature with parents who care about their well being, it's questionable how many employable skills they will develop when it's time to enter the workforce. And yes, gaining skills to thrive in capitalism is not the point of life, but the current COL and social-political environment in the UK makes it an almost non-negotiable starting point.

Edit: Just wanted to add that I am AuDHD myself and managed to muddle through school in the 90s. I had lots of sensory issues, near daily panic attacks but weirdly enough I learned to cope with them because I knew not going to school wasn't an option. I feel the experience of spending all those years in a forced "normal" setup with NT peers was like a baptism by fire for learning masking and coping skills myself. I went on to finish uni and was successful in my field, met DH who is also ASD but also successful in his field. We live a normal life without any financial worries but we're also aware that we need to build in buffers for our (late discovered) neurodivergence. Our current life would definitely not be possible if either of us had given up on school early on. (And a lot of that is related to friendships and social contacts that we acquired through school & uni, so it's not strictly just about grades).

I had a school refuser at Primary age. He's autistic and just couldn't cope in a mainstream environment.
He'd masked for years before this. We had years of meltdowns, violent meltdowns. My house would be trashed, things smashed, he'd bite me and himself, punch me, pin me on the floor, scream from 4pm till midnight when he'd finally crash.
School said he was fine. He started refusing, begging me to drown him in the bath, to kill him, asking why had he been born. We had to hide all the knives, lock all the doors as he'd run out the house. He'd try to throw himself in front of cars.
Anything to not go to school as he'd rather be dead. You try listening to your child in that state. I recorded it once and played it to school in a meeting causing the staff to cry. But yeah, I thought I'd let him choose and go for an easy life!

Don't judge what you don't understand.

BTW once he got to a specialist provision he was like a different child.

It takes a special kind of stupid to read a thread like this and then to come out with a comment like yours.

What a goady post. Shame on you OP.

What a generalisation. School attendance and getting an education are not the same thing. I have two degrees and countless professional qualifications after my own school refusal, alongside my ND and MH issues, I have a well paid career. Home education is also a thing. Funnily enough, there are many ways to make a living or live your life that don't have to fit into the standard way of doing things.