"School refusal" trend

[ruthxxx0]

Can't help noticing the spike in this over recent times...
In my line of work I'm coming across increasing numbers of families who have child(ren) who "refuse" to attend school... Parents pretty much shrug their shoulder and say things like "I can't make them attend" (we're talking about primary aged children). Or "they don't like the rules/teachers/uniform/the classroom decor..".
I'm from a generation and background where school attendance wasn't a "choice" for children to make then dictate to their parents.
Parents (being the adults!) were the ones who sent the children to school.
Today I met with a family who had allowed their 10 year old to pretty much stay in their bedroom for almost a year, not been to school and didn't seem under any urgency to works towards getting the child back to school.... No mental health concerns (not referred to CAMHS or GP either). The child just "didn't want to go" and parent was ok with this. Just for a quiet life, to avoid the child "kicking off". Like seriously... What's wrong with today's parents?

Out of interest, what does she want to do when she leaves school? I'm forever trying to make my kids visualise the future. Mine had extreme anxiety over covid during the transition to high school. No matter what I done to acknowledge, it made it worse in the end I gave up and ignored the panic attacks (which no doubt people will scream abuse at- but it worked for us) as well as concentrating on the future.

Your child has made it so far, so fingers crossed they finish their exams and find their route.

See in the 80s I could have brought up a wooden spoon and threatened him or something horrible but now, strangely we talk to our kids and they tell us they’re miserable, they hate it, they’re crying.

What's going to happen when they decide they don't like work?

We all have to do things we don't like in life, FFS.

The opinion isn't based on randomers online it's that thing called real life. 🙄

If I thought that was an option back in the 80s I would have definitely been a school 'refuser'. I HATED school. I had friends and everything looked fine from the outside, but I hated every single minute of every single day that I was there. So I can 100% see why kids don't want to go.

It would be great to see some sort of alternative to the traditional school set up that suits kids who are ND or who just don't fit into the trad learning model.

People are talking alot about autistic children.

That's very, very different to what (I think) the OP is referring to.

If there are no actual issues with school reported by the child (bullying, etc), no SEN, then why are they refusing in the first place?

@RubySloth

I can Imagine you taking my stance personally but I'm not aiming at people whose children are suicidal at 5.
Your comments are aimed at every single person who has a dc refusing school unless they detail their reasons to you though aren't they.

You look through the lens of judgement first unless you have reason to think otherwise.

It's people in society like you who make life difficult for others.

theeyeofdoe

You just pick them up out of the car and take them in.

No you don’t. You’re really going to physically drag a child into school? Sometimes them roaring crying at any age over five? I had an 11 year old and a 15 year old refuse school. I’d have social services called on me if I tried to manhandle them into school!!! I honestly (and I mean this so honestly, I’m not trying to be mean), hope you never see school refusal. It is NOT the same as ‘I don’t want to go in today.’ It is ‘I can’t, I won’t and nothing will make me’. It is hell on earth and I’m so glad my kids are out of it (changed classes again and moved tables and the teacher started giving extra help too).

@theeyeofdoe I could totally have made school non-negotiable but I'd have a dead daughter.

But, yay discipline!

I grew up on a council estate. In poverty. Had a local library.

COVID has majorly contributed to this issue. My kids barely missed a day of school before the pandemic. Then they got the message school wasn't necessary and if you feel vaguely unwell you should stay home. One of my kids had a very difficult time and had really poor attendance for about 3 months. There's no way I could physically make a nearly 6 foot child go to school. We were incredibly lucky to have fantastic support from school and this got him back to school pretty regularly. He still finds it hard to go in if he's not feeling 100%.

How??! Every circumstance is different. You don't think lazy parenting exists?

OP are you being goady on purpose, I can only assume so.

I would absolutely LOVE for you to spend a week in my shoes with my school avoiding child, to see the trauma it has caused the whole family and understand how difficult it is to manage. It absolutely has nothing to do with laziness and I have never given my child a choice. It's impacted everything from our careers to our relationship to our other children's mental health. It's been this way since day 1 of nursery for my DC. They now self harm and threaten suicide and honestly, that's not even the hardest stuff to deal with. They are 7 years old.

Maybe there are some children whose parents don't make much effort to get them in, I'm sure it's a spectrum, but you must have known this post would upset and diminish those who are truly and markedly affected by this, given your field of work. Shame on you.

And as an aside have you tried dragging a large 7 year old 1.5 kilometres down the road on foot? Some primary school kids are bigger than me.

Schools are loud, busy, chaotic places filled with hundreds and sometimes thousands of people. Children are forced to spend their days with other children they may not like, doing things they aren't necessarily interested in, and having to follow a set of rigid and inflexible routines that restrict their movement and freedom of choice.

Schools are still run on draconian, Dickensian principles. People are ordered about on the sound of bells. Children shuffle down corridors to go in and out of enclosed spaces where they're forced to sit and listen for an hour or more. Any infraction of the arbitrary rules enforced on them lead to punishments. They have very little autonomy or personal space during the school day.

I really don't think it takes a huge stretch of imagination to understand why so many children find the thought of going into school hugely anxiety inducing.

I am a secondary school teacher. I hate most schools. I think the majority of state schools are horrific environments for children and we need wholesale change across the education system to create learning environments that nurture young people rather than restrict and control them.

We need smaller schools with smaller class sizes. We need increased autonomy, choice and flexibility for children. We need a more creative approach to the school day and a much more creative approach to the curriculum - both in terms of what is taught and how it is taught. We need to scrap GCSEs and take the pressure off children by not testing them over and over and over again to the point where they aren't learning, they're just memorising. Schools should be places of community - of fun, of joy, of discovery and creativity. If they were, we wouldn't have children refusing to go.

It's not the children who are the problem. It's the system.

This thread isn’t about you personally

DarkGlassesAndHat
Work isn’t the same, you have a tough time at work you say I’m booking time off. School you’re in until designated holidays. And your ffs tells me you’re lucky in this way and your kids have never properly refused to go to school

I have no doubt there will be many genuine reasons...I also think the current generation is probably less resilient than previous ones.

Yes but the point is how the fuck does the OP (or RubySloth) know?

They're making assumptions a lot of the times based on snapshots.

If you met my child on a Sunday you wouldn't know that the day before she had tried to hang herself, and the day before that taken an overdose. She isn't intellectually impacted by her autism, and is smart and beautiful and kind and funny and interesting and caring and often very extroverted.

But school wasn't designed with her in mind; no getting around that fact unfortunately.

There are some absolute fucking pricks on this post.

But that's no surprise. Goady posts like this always draw them out.

Countless posts here from MNers who have clearly been through the mill with supporting a child that's struggling.

We all openly acknowledge how difficult the environment is for teachers. How the classes are too large, there are no TAs, lots of children in the wrong setting, teachers expected to cover subjects they have no experience/knowledge of. Teachers struggling with their own mental health and anxiety. Teachers leaving the profession in droves.

It's absolutely right that we should have some empathy for teachers working in such a tough environment. But maybe consider the fact that all of the above might actually have an impact on the children too eh??

Consider the fact that funding is so woefully short in schools that children are now in environments which are really damaging. It's not like it was 40, 50 years ago. Our schools are a state. And I say this as a school governor with 5+ years experience.

Schools work for some children - but not all. Unlike years ago we now take notice of children who can't cope rather than inflict years of trauma on them that has long-lasting effects.

But yes, of course, it's just shitty parenting, right? Sure there might be a handful of cases but the vast vast majority of cases are not the fault of the parent or the child. Much easier to blame the parents though. Much easier to feel good about yourself by looking down on parents who have a desperately unhappy child.

Well done all of you being judgemental. Slow clap.

You sound delightful, no wonder a lot of children have issues with the amount of abusive people.

It used to be the case that opting out of going to school meant a very boring day at home. Thats no longer the case, with the amount of technology available.

@Bluevelvetsofa a parent might well not be able make a child go to school but they absolutely can and should make not attending boring. Turn off the wifi and all electronics. You pay for them. There should be zero reward for choosing to opt out of school otherwise of course you stand no hope of getting them back there. Who's in charge here?!

Sod off with that comment.

My child has "refused" since Christmas. She has recently been diagnosed with Autism. The senco believes she is in autistic burnout.

They didnt apply for an EHCP though, i had to do that in March after trying for the 3 months getting her back into school. My child has lost a lot of trust in me for that.

Camhs is a recent thing as my child cut her wrists. The waiting lists are very long and we were rejected at least twice before that.

She has had no education since December. The Dept for Education bleats on about attendance but they are happy for my daughter to receive no education for 6 months.

RubySloth she is 15 and incredibly immature, I talk to her about the future, it goes in one ear and out the other unfortunately. She will hopefully just about pass her exams, I would love her to get some sort of apprenticeship if at all possible. She talks about being a chef, but I don't think it's something she could handle. We just keep plugging away, school is important, earning a living is important, I am sick of listening to myself tbh!

I see you and acknowledge your efforts. I really relate.

Some very defensive responses on here. It is possible that not everything is about YOU.