"School refusal" trend

[ruthxxx0]

Can't help noticing the spike in this over recent times...
In my line of work I'm coming across increasing numbers of families who have child(ren) who "refuse" to attend school... Parents pretty much shrug their shoulder and say things like "I can't make them attend" (we're talking about primary aged children). Or "they don't like the rules/teachers/uniform/the classroom decor..".
I'm from a generation and background where school attendance wasn't a "choice" for children to make then dictate to their parents.
Parents (being the adults!) were the ones who sent the children to school.
Today I met with a family who had allowed their 10 year old to pretty much stay in their bedroom for almost a year, not been to school and didn't seem under any urgency to works towards getting the child back to school.... No mental health concerns (not referred to CAMHS or GP either). The child just "didn't want to go" and parent was ok with this. Just for a quiet life, to avoid the child "kicking off". Like seriously... What's wrong with today's parents?

My ds had a nervous breakdown after bullying, I would not go to work if I had to put up with the stuff he had going on at school. He'll get there eventually after some time to recover (that's what I keep telling myself anyway).

It used to be the case that opting out of going to school meant a very boring day at home. Thats no longer the case, with the amount of technology available.

Yes, there are parents who don’t really care. There are many more who care deeply and worry that their child isn’t able to go to school. What’s wrong with today’s teachers is that they’re burned out by the the incessant and increasing demands on them, forced on them by Ofsted and the government. It’s why they’re leaving in droves and recruitment is down.

I promise you most of the parents would absolutely love their child to be in school. It’s absolutely awful when you have a child that can’t get there, you feel like a complete failure as a parent. It causes significant mental health difficulties for the entire family.

What IS wrong with today's teachers?

Parenting is definitely worse than it used to be. It is very obvious as a member of staff. You'd be amazed what children tell us. We spend alot of our jobs keeping an eye on the parenting, not just the children.
It's not a criticism either. I think it's because there's no support for parents now. They're expected to work more hours, for less pay, and generally life is more stressful. As a result, stuff like this is so much harder to deal with.
Not to mention the severe lack of mental health services for kids.

Blimey, I think your post speaks volumes at how far removed you are from this.

My son who is 8 in August started school avoiding in reception and my March of yr1 was unable to keep going. He was five.

Never in a million years did I think my life or his would be like this.

And parents really don't wish for their kids to not be able to attend. I've had to go part time. I don't leave the house. I don't get to see friends.
This really isn't a choice. He was suicidal, at the age of five and no parent wants that.

It's the hardest journey I have EVER been on and that includes knowing he was resuscitated at less than a day old and the midwife being suspended. It's harder than when I found out my uncle was in fact mine and my brothers biological dad and that my sisters dad is the dad we thought was ours (including him having no idea)

My child even now says he hates his life and wants to be in heaven, due to the trauma of school. Schools aren't catered to neurodiversity, and even sen schools aren't best equipped. My son is academically able but no mainstream or specialist school can meet his needs.

I used to force him but my God, it was utterly heartbreaking and exhausting. The fallout that would happen when trying to get him there and then on collection was horrific. I come from an Indian family and my sons dad is Jamaican, so I'm sure you can imagine the horror at having this happen, from a cultural perspective.

Over two years in and my son still can't leave the house and we now have funded carers due to his inability to leave the house - again school trauma because schools aren't suitable for nd people. We have consultant apts for paeds, gp, dental and eye appointments at home

I wfh with him and fuck me, doing thay with a child who needs continuous support is challenging and I'm extremely Fortunate to have such a fantastic team but I can't progess in my career and I can't participate in meetings with our suppliers or If I do, I have to arrange it around the 1 hour my son has with an online mentoring company. I can't even go to medical and.

So, believe me, I'm speaking for parents in this situation, it isn't something we have a choice in nor is it something that is easy. It destroys families and friendships. Your entire life is turned upside down.

Oh and it's also transition time for schools and I've grieved over not having those memories with my child. I grieve over him not having friends because tje world isn't catered to those like him. I grieve over the 1st day of school photos after the summer. I always thought I'd be that parent where my house was an open house for his friends and it's the complete opposite.

My child was being beaten snd verbally abused by his class. His teacher looked on.

If not making my child go to a place where he feels unsafe and unhappy means there's something wrong with me as a parent, I'll take that.

He's home educated now and thriving.

Not all of us are prepared to force our children to do something that makes them want to commit suicide.

School refusal isn’t new. The difference was that at one time there wasn’t the same emphasis on attendance or safeguarding so children would literally vanish and there would be little if any follow up.

They're battling under constant changes in curriculum. Making do with significantly less funding. Large class sizes. Feeling the effects of over a decade of tory damages. There is significantly more SEN in mainstream and despite that TA’s are no longer employed by lots of schools, and if they are they are not used in the classroom.

oh and they are leaving in large numbers.

I'd "refuse" to go to school too if I was subjected to our insanely boring and narrow curriculum! SATS scores are all that matters in our current education system, so it's no surprise that we have some of the most miserable, stressed and anxious children on the planet.

My child has EBSA, he has also been diagnosed with Autism, anxiety disorder and ADHD. Covid lockdown totally messed up school for him. He was in a very nurturing independent school, some problems before lockdown but we were managing. I have spent tens of thousands on educational psychology, therapy and psychiatry. He is medicated and still really struggles. He now has an EHCP but is too academically sound for any of the specialist provision in our county. As previous posters have said, you have no idea how awful it is to watch your child go through this. But judge away, just be grateful you aren’t I. The same position as these parents.

My child has no SEN. They are introverted and find school overwhelming.

He refused to go in today.

Have you ever tried to undress and redress a child who very clearly doesn't want you to? The get that child into the car. Then out of it again. Then into the school grounds. And then into the classroom?

In the past I have tried everything from being super nice and understanding to shouting and demanding. Nothing worked. He stood his ground and refused to go.

To force a child to do something so completely against their will is cruel.

COVID & home learning has opened a lot of children's eyes to the possibility of home education. Unless school suits you, it's a bloody miserable place to be.

It's not school refusing. It's barriers to attendance. COVID seems to have escalated the already existing problem of it which hasn't helped.

Schools aren't set up a one size fits all anymore. They go on the assumption that every kid is academic and they aren't. There needs to be a big overhaul tbh so everyone's needs are met. Get skills in there, trades where kids can experience a different way of learning and the academic kids can get on with it, do the GCSEs and go on to other academic stuff.

More units attached to schools for SEN, get struggling kids out of mainstream and go to a more nurturing, child led way of learning.

My (ASD) DS (11) will refuse to go to school some days. If you have a way for me to make him go I would love to know?

Things that don't work (just to help you out):

Bribes - can offer whatever incentive you like if he's decided he has decided. He will just look at you a bit sadly.

Punishment- including banning from all devices for extended periods. Grounding would be pointless as he doesn't care about going out.

Reasoning - he might or might not speak at all. Might shut down. Might acknowledge you are correct but still say no.

Shouting- see reasoning.

Physically dressing and carrying him - good luck!

He actually has very little incentive to go to school in many ways. He doesn't have any social pull, not like he's going to see friends. He's not interested in the lessons, they're either too easy or not subjects he cares about. On days where he has refused he has literally spent hours just sitting on the stairs or on his bed in silence so it's not like he's having a marvellous time playing at home.

Outside of his refusal to attend sometimes, school would agree he is a model student and a lovely child.

I look forward to hearing the solution.

My daughter is a "school refuser". We have no CAMHS involvement either as CAMHS rejected our referral along with the vast majority of others. She recently had an autism diagnosis - it was the extreme anxiety around school that finally led to the realisation she needed to be assessed.

Having a child who hates school and battles with you every day about going in is a horrible and draining enough experience without outsiders with no understanding pointing the finger at "lazy" parents. I'd give anything to not have to worry every day about my child’s future.

In my area it’s a two and a half plus wait list for SALT (don’t know how long but are still waiting!)
A 3 and a half year wait for an initial appointment for autism diagnosis.
A year wait for an ECHP that’s if everything is straightforward which it often isn’t. For my son we are looking at 2 years to get an EHCP as we are having to go to tribunal as the LA have refused to issue. This is despite the EP report saying he needs a 1-2-1 for most of the school day.

Quite often children receive no help or support until they reach crisis point and even then it can take years for diagnosis or therapy to be provided on the NHS or adequate support to be provided in schools.

I noticed the same as you, OP, and I think it’s shocking how much this is normalised and excused on MN.

But why are children refusing in the first place? I wouldn't have dared refuse as a child unless I had a bloody good reason. I'm talking children without SEN.
Bullying?
Work too hard?
Illness?
Mental health issues - what's causing these?

All these things can be discussed/sorted out with school surely?

Genuinely interested.

Hmmm I wonder if this was going on years and years ago too, but that parents weren’t quite so fussed and there was less monitoring of who was at school and who wasn’t. I know my parents, both now in their sixties often just didn’t go to school and when I was younger, in the 90s, people skipped school a lot too.

I stopped forcing my child to attend school when she started repeatedly trying to kill herself, as she couldn't cope due to undiagnosed autism.

CAMHS round here has a waiting list three years long; if I had kept trying to send her to school while waiting for a diagnosis she wouldn't be here today.

Kids were fucked on a grand scale by Covid and nobody has the resources to address it; take it up with your MP, and the schools who don't have a clue how to deal, and don't blame the parents who was navigating uncharted and frankly horrifying territory.

People just don't like to be a parent or give any form of discipline.

It’s the system and environment that needs fixing. Not the parents or struggling children

Agree with this - and would add increasing (and unreasonable) demands from some parents who equally have zero context.

See the thread yesterday from a parent who wanted to complain to school about a job share. Parental WhatsApp group with them all frothing at the mouth. Couldn’t articulate a complaint other than ‘consistency’.

Can you remember the name of that thread?

Sadly that’s my experience too. I have friends who actively teach their child that they don’t have to do anything if they don’t like it. I first thought it was a joke but it wasn’t. This can only end badly but their choice.

Yes. AIBU “to email headteacher about this”.