to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

[BlownItJellyHead]

It's just so bloody strange. How can they not just do it reflexively? Do they genuinely have that little interest in finding out about other people? I'm not talking about people with ND issues or people with a lot on their mind at a specific time. I mean people who just generally don't ask questions.

I just don't get it at all. It goes without saying that its rude and indicative of some level of self-obsession. But, I just don't understand how they can do it. It's so bloody odd to me. Even if I don't have that much interest in the other person, I reciprocate questions reflexively, and I always find I'm interested in something about them.

Yesterday I was out with a friend for three hours - I asked about her work, her mum, her health, her plans for summer gardening, her partner, her pets, as well as follow-up questions off the back of things we were talking about.

She asked me nothing 😂😂😂

What is it with these people?!

I do this sometimes when my social anxiety is bad. Sometimes it feels safer to just answer their questions and not ask any of my own in case I ask the wrong thing and they hate me. I know that’s irrational but that’s how my brain works. It’s never my intention to be rude I’m just not very good at talking to people in real life. It is something I’m trying to work on every day. In my case it’s definitely not because I’m self obsessed. Quite the opposite really. I think I’m probably so boring that people couldn’t possibly want to have a lengthy conversation with me, so I don’t try to carry it on so that they can ‘escape’ from me as soon as possible. I agree that some people may not ask any questions about you because they’re self obsessed, but that’s not always the reason.

Wow I literally said the same thing to dh the other day about myself, I honestly think I'm a bit weird because of how effed up my head is from emotional abuse (from my dm). I'm sorry you feel this way too, but know you're not alone I'm early 40's and dm is in her 80's now, hasn't mellowed at all which I always hoped she would

OK, well for my part, if a friend never asked me a single thing about myself/my life I wouldn't bother to remain friends with them.

It's a bit different with family, I think.

I mean, I think my SIL has only ever asked me one question in the entire 20 years or so I've known her (I remember as I was so surprised!) but she is a nice, kind, generous person so while I would never seek her out as a friend (and find it hard to know how to pass time in company with her as any topic of conversation dies), it's not quite the same.

I'd love to watch her interact with a close friend to see how they communicate.

As some of the described methods of here sound like a Samuel Beckett play 😂.

I'm going through a tough time at the moment. Still putting on a brave face so talking to colleagues and asking them about their lives.

They can sense that I prefer not to answer questions so are being kind enough not to ask them.

I think some posters are purposefully misunderstanding and twisting the situation here. You are not "bombarding" anyone, friend is obv happy to talk about herself for 3 hours and ask nothing about how you are.. it's very weird and most people in OPs shoes would be dropping this sort of "friend" or at least distancing themselves.
This is what I ended up doing, with a family member no less - they'd never ask a single question about my DP (who I'd been with for years), no question about my work or interests; not even after I'd been through a very difficult time they knew about. It's so weird and I just got fed up, so now speak with them as little as possible.

Clearly the op wasn't talking about people like you.. but you are actually coming across as someone who makes everything about themselves ironic eh 😂

@BlownItJellyHead is it just back and forth questioning your friend doesn’t do, or is it the whole general flow of conversation? I absolutely get where you’re coming from re questions but it’s clear many people commenting approach conversation in other ways. I’ve also become frustrated with some friends (well, in laws) when realising that they never prompt any conversation. So it’s not just not asking a question, it’s never being the first to volunteer an opinion or make a comment or offer an observation that would get the chat going. It’s me asking a question or offering a thought and it’s just met with nothing proactive back.

sometimes conversation is like tennis. You can both take turns at serving and getting the ball back (questions and replies) and sometimes you have great long rallies with unexpected twists or you keep the ball going back and forth nicely between you. If it’s just one person serving or hitting or lobbing the ball over the net and the other person just swipes it back into the net each time it all feels a bit thankless.

I don't normally bother getting into threads where the OP sounds smug, self-satisfied and judgmental, but what the hell - it's Monday, I'll treat myself.

I am awful at keeping up superficial conversations. I feel huge pressure about it, which makes me go to pieces and forget all the things I know about the other person, and am genuinely interested to ask. I am so grateful for those who are happy to lead the conversation - I'll willingly participate, and hopefully we'll alight on a topic of mutual interest and it will stop being awkward. I feel eternally reproached by Jane Austen's description of "Mrs. Annesley, a genteel, agreeable-looking woman, whose endeavour to introduce some kind of discourse proved her to be more truly well-bred than either of the others", because that's exactly where I fail.

More than anything, I appreciate when people understand that it's not that I don't care; I'm just extremely bad at this stuff. But thanks, OP, for reminding me that the judgy folk, too, walk among us.

Yesterday I was out with a friend for three hours - she bombarded me with a thousand questions, some of them quite personal, about my health and my partner. Every time I answered she bowled another question at me. In that whole time she never told me anything about herself, and I never got chance to ask her. In fact, I'd have felt a bit rude asking her some of things she did me.

What is it with these people?
I do hope she's not on MN.

That was an example based on the OP's own description of their conversation. Clearly she can talk about whatever she wants, my point is she doesn't need to be asked.

There are a lot of self absorbed people but they are just not aware of it (some of the replies on here provide perfect examples)

Hos do you make friends if all your conversations with new people are so one-sided?

I’ve known that expression for at least 20 years.

@BlownItJellyHead I think when conversation doesn’t flow, it’s hard. I agree that if people don’t ask any questions, it feels like disinterest. I’m usually the one who keeps conversation flowing and there was a whole thread about what happens if the person relied upon to do that decides to stop.

answer- silence. Some people said they prefer that but then I wonder why they organised a meet-up.

OP I agree, it seems to be on the increase too. I worked a 12 hour shift with someone once a week for over a year, he never asked me anything, not even a polite, "How's your week been?" I don't think he even knew my surname. But I knew loads about him.

I have another friend who I meet in a group setting and she'll completely dominate the conversation with a monologue about her and if anyone else ever gets a chance to interject, she'll immediately pick up her phone and start scrolling, so rude!

This! 100% this!

Thinking about it,I rarely ask a question because I hate being questioned.But I do answer with an opinion and keep the conversation going.Some people are just private,hate to be probed, and are reluctant to be mentally exhausted to not only answer endless questions,but also have to ask questions back.

my mum is exactly like that, if I looked back on messenger, she would not have asked me a single question in reply to my enquiry/any questions about her or asking if she's had a good weekend done x event etc. It is quite fascinating actually. If we meet she doesn't really do any hellos/social niceties just launches into a brain dump of everything she wants to tell you, she will then possibly ask a question but when you are three words into an answer will interrupt.

Am I the only autistic person who has now convinced themselves that everyone they have ever met must secretly hate them?

I hear you OP.

i have a ‘friend’ who I’ve figured out will ask me how I am first, I’ll say (generally) ‘yeah good thanks, how about you?’ And will get a monologue in response (for however long I am in their company) about all aspects of their life without so much as a question about mine. The relationship is unbalanced so I have backed off… a lot. It was unfulfilling and exhausting. Friend does have anxiety and low self esteem and I imagine is lonely given their set up, but there is only so much leeway I could give before it had a negative impact on me!

now I know I am a reasonably good listener, and I try to think that the above person just uses me to rant at because they are lonely, but I went through quite a lot in the last 12/18 months and they showed no interest… I assume I am just dull and boring to them.

What a lot of sweeping and insulting generalisations. I don't know if this has occurred to you (doesn't sound like it) but some people hesitate to ask other people questions because they were brought up being told it's nosy/intrusive to ask people questions about themselves.

Note, I'm not saying that belief is correct. But the conditioning can be hard to shift.

Childhood conditioning can play a part. I mentioned to a pp that some people are brought up being told it's nosy to ask other people questions, but parents' conversation styles play a part too. My mum is possibly the most un-interested in other people person I have ever met, and she simply doesn't do this (she's that person who will leave yawning great silences, I frequently feel sorry for her hairdresser), so it wasn't really modelled for me, or not by her anyway. It wasn't till I got old enough to notice most people ask each other questions about themselves that I realised it was a normal part of socialising and started to do it myself, but it didn't come naturally at first, I had to work at it.

This!

I cba with people who won’t make any effort. It’s not about whether you ask questions or not, but how are you? How was your weekend? shouldn’t be too much of a stretch for most people. But for me it’s more how you obviously don’t give a shiny shit about me when you don’t reciprocate any conversational effort. Happy to take up my time and energy listening to your life and problems, radio silence if you might have to give five minutes contemplating me and mine.

I was brought up in a house where I was taught not to ask questions because 'they'd tell you if they wanted you to know.'
It's very ingrained. I do try but asking always feels intrusive and cheeky somehow.

This is me too. I do ask questions but it often doesn't feel natural and I worry that people will think I'm not being authentic. In the model answer upthread about Alan and Dave, I was taught that circling the conversation back to Dave and me is really rude!

I also have a lot of acquaintances who think a polite enquiry such as did you have a good weekend? means tell me in great detail about every second of your weekend. When in fact the required answer in GB is yes thanks, you?

I prefer conversation starters like have you tried the new restaurant/film/tv series? Then if your the person talks about how they went for a meal with their other half it seems more natural to listen & ask questions and the conversation flows a bit easier.

NRTFT but how would you know if someone was ND or not? Many people are undiagnosed and may not know themselves even.