to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

[BlownItJellyHead]

It's just so bloody strange. How can they not just do it reflexively? Do they genuinely have that little interest in finding out about other people? I'm not talking about people with ND issues or people with a lot on their mind at a specific time. I mean people who just generally don't ask questions.

I just don't get it at all. It goes without saying that its rude and indicative of some level of self-obsession. But, I just don't understand how they can do it. It's so bloody odd to me. Even if I don't have that much interest in the other person, I reciprocate questions reflexively, and I always find I'm interested in something about them.

Yesterday I was out with a friend for three hours - I asked about her work, her mum, her health, her plans for summer gardening, her partner, her pets, as well as follow-up questions off the back of things we were talking about.

She asked me nothing 😂😂😂

What is it with these people?!

I've certainly learned that it's important to some people for me to ask about holidays, pets, family, but really I do it because it's expected. I also find it extremely biting to be asked these things. This isn't the only way to show an interest in others, and it isn't how I take an interest in others.

@SummerInSun good for him! Glad to hear it.

I try not to ask too many questions - certainly with strangers. I consider it rude if someone grills me about my job/partner/family etc etc, so I wouldn't dream of doing it in return.
It's not lack of interest, OP, it's respecting people's privacy.

When you say that you aren't talking about ND people here, I didn't find out I was autistic until I was in my 40's, and I know that I am not alone in that. I can mask pretty well but when I am feeling anxious socially I know that I can motormouth. I am aware that it can make me sound like a self centred, insufferable cow, but it is an anxiety response rather than self centredness.(Yes, I know that it is very self centred to worry about what people think of you, before anyone says it). To stop this happening I actively avoid things like parties and group social events, and only socialise one on one with people who know me well. I also set myself "scripts".
Until I was diagnosed, I honestly thought that everyone did this. I wonder if anyone else is similar?

Just sounds like a mismatch in communication styles rather than one person being right and the other wrong.

I don't really like answering questions so I model my preferred conversational style by offering information I want to and letting the other person do the same.

I actually think on a scale of rudeness, sneering down your nose at another person just because they happen to communicate in a different way than you do is much worse than not asking questions during conversation!

Just sounds like a mismatch in communication styles rather than one person being right and the other wrong.

I don't really like answering questions so I model my preferred conversational style by offering information I want to and letting the other person do the same.

I actually think on a scale of rudeness, sneering down your nose at another person just because they happen to communicate in a different way than you do is much worse than not asking questions during conversation!

How weird, I’m from a working class background on a pretty rough council estate (I guess if you weren’t from a rough council estate you’d think it was a really really rough council estate lol) but I don’t think anyone would even consider questions in conversation to be like the police. We’re all dead down to earth & probably ask each other too many questions in conversation if anything. We chat to anyone & everyone, and I’m autistic, was always really shy as a kid but that was dragged out of me as everyone would be mates & chat away even if you’ve only just met. Like you I’m always really surprised at some of the answers some give or the reactions some people have

I’m feeling a bit self conscious now with reading some of this, I’m not one for asking lots of questions, just kind of let the conversation flow naturally. So sometimes I might ask questions to expand on something someone’s said or if I know something is happening eg they’ve been away on holiday, been to a gig, something is coming up etc but I don’t really ask random questions. I also don’t really wait to be asked questions, I just tend to add anything relevant into the conversation. As I said in my previous comment, I am autistic but I’m pretty good at masking (well I thought I was) so not sure if this is ok or if I’ve unintentionally been being rude to people

People converse differently, not sure why it has to be a monologue lead by questions back and forth.

I visited a friend yesterday who has recently had major surgery so we obviously chatted about that for a while which lead to what boxsets she’s been watching while recuperating so Bridgeton took up a large part of the conversation this lead to recent books we both read and could recommend.
She admired my trainers and so we chatted about recent clothes we both, she shared a picture of a dress she both for a wedding, I showed her a picture of a jumpsuit I was thinking of getting and got her opinion.
We moaned about menopause.
A mutual friend is having a difficult time so we talked about how we can support her and made tentative plans for a weekend away with her.
We gossiped about a recent extramarital affair we heard of.

Neither of us felt the need to enquire about our jobs, family or pets.

How do you get to know anyone if you don’t ask questions? You just talk at each other? I don’t like when people are clearly just waiting for the other person to finish talking about themselves, so that they can start talking about themselves. Talking at each other isn’t my idea of enriching conversation tbh.

Well said

So....if you never ask questions.

Do you not think there's a risk there could be significant stuff going on for your friend that you don't know about?

Do you expect them to lurch into disclosing that their parent died/their house burned down/their husband ran off, with no promoting, or do you hope to find out anything significant from third parties? Or don't you care?!

A LOT of significant stuff has happened to me over the years (not that extreme) that my self absorbed mum, dad and sister aren't aware of as they don't ask. Or I told them but they didn't remember.

I was brought up in a house where I was taught not to ask questions because 'they'd tell you if they wanted you to know.'

It's very ingrained. I do try but asking always feels intrusive and cheeky somehow.

I wouldn't sit through a 3 hour 1:1 conversation with a good friend though, I am thinking more about colleagues and acquaintances.

Prompting! Not promoting.

I don’t wait to be asked. I tell my friends what is going on with me, same as they do to me but then I come from a large family and if you didn’t speak up then you didn’t get heard.

Or the ones who ask a question but don’t listen to a word you are saying and have only asked so they can tell you all about themselves. It’s draining.

This is me, I had to stick a post it to my phone in work to remind me to ask how people are and not just jump straight into the work conversation I rang them for.

I think as the OP was talking about a friend, good enough that they spent 3 hours together, that's the relevant context.

If you'd call someone a friend but don't feel you can ask a single question, that's a bit odd and not what I would call a friend, personally.

I also wouldn't bother for long with a friend who had no interest in me.

Generally it’s because they just don’t care about anyone else apart from themselves. They don’t ask questions as they don’t care what is going on with you.
I know someone like this and they are just plain hard work as a person.

Same here. To keep the conversation flowing naturally.

I work with a group of women who don’t talk about themselves. Instead, they talk solely about their (quite grown up) children. Some of them (the children) are at school doing exams, some are away at university, a few are married with kids of their own. Their mothers carry on like new mums at a baby group. These are professional, accomplished women. Occasionally they might chat about the dogs with which they have replaced the children. I think they have lost their sense of themselves. I ask them questions sometimes, but two minutes and the conversation will turn back to the “kids”.

We have some family friends we see almost every week as our DC are really close. We’ve known them nearly a decade. They are true friends who would help us in all manner of practical ways if ever we needed it, and I love them dearly, but they are so utterly incurious I’m not sure they even know what I do for a living. 😂 I find it baffling.

It's so rude.. you're literally spending precious life on people who don't know hardly anything about you, you could be anyone to them.

Or don't you care?!

How many people have literally told you on this thread that asking questions is not how they show they care.

My close friend’s mum died recently. How do I know? Because she told me. She didn’t wait to be asked. Honestly from my point of view it’s weirdly self-absorbed to think someone else has to drag information out of you for you to share it.

Or another friend, is getting a dog. How am I meant to know to ask her about getting a dog when she’s never mentioned one before?

Telling people stuff they don’t remember is an entirely different thing.

@BlownItJellyHead I'm Neurodivergent, have complex trauma and acute issues and am perfectly able to engage in back and forth/reciprocal conversations, so let's not make sweeping generalisations, eh?!