to not understand people who never ask reciprocal questions in a conversation?

[BlownItJellyHead]

It's just so bloody strange. How can they not just do it reflexively? Do they genuinely have that little interest in finding out about other people? I'm not talking about people with ND issues or people with a lot on their mind at a specific time. I mean people who just generally don't ask questions.

I just don't get it at all. It goes without saying that its rude and indicative of some level of self-obsession. But, I just don't understand how they can do it. It's so bloody odd to me. Even if I don't have that much interest in the other person, I reciprocate questions reflexively, and I always find I'm interested in something about them.

Yesterday I was out with a friend for three hours - I asked about her work, her mum, her health, her plans for summer gardening, her partner, her pets, as well as follow-up questions off the back of things we were talking about.

She asked me nothing 😂😂😂

What is it with these people?!

As I clarified, I'm not talking about "bombarding" people with questions. Just having a reciprocal conversation. RTFT.

@SummerInSun that sounds like really bad training your Dh is getting!! I've never heard of anyone. religious or other who took offence at being asked if they had a nice Christmas break, asking if I keep a crib in my house is a different question. I think your DH needs to learn how to interpret the training, being someone who acts totally uninterested is on balance more offensive.

@BlownItJellyHead my Dad is like that and never asks about me or my life and it has really damaged my relationship with him.

Ok, well I wouldn't answer that bit of information with "my Dave is ok". Maybe talk about how much work a marathon must be, or that you'd love, or hate, to do a marathon, or something about exercise. Move the conversation on unless there's actually something you really want to tell her about Dave (in which case do that).

This.

But its not the topics that's the issue. It's the lack of reciprocity. We did talk about TV and books a little bit - again no reciprocal questions at all. Bloody weird.

Here’s how you do it OP:

Like PP said, its quite hard to do that in the flow of a normal conversation and actually quite passive aggressive. Like [abridged version]:
Me: How's Alan?
Jane: He's alright. He's training for a marathon at the minute so I'm not seeing much of him.
Me: How's the training going?
Jane: It's okay. He's building up the distance every day. The marathon's in November so he's got plenty of time.
[Silence]
Me: Wow a marathon, I thought about doing one once but I couldn’t make time to train. I find it really hard to get time for exercise….

Could you consider that perhaps you talk too much? You could try pausing for longer, being comfortable sitting in companionable silence, then the other person can have time to collect their thoughts and talk themselves without the interrogation.

But I do agree with you. The other person does need to show some degree of interest in what you say for this to work and many people can’t manage that!

I did - we talked a lot about marathons and their training (as I said, abridged version of the conversation). Once we'd talked about that.... silence.

A lot of people lack social skills and weren't taught that it's good manners to reciprocate in conversation, at least a little.

My Dad is like this. I'm afraid I don't seek out his company any more.

He is elderly and has few friends, so that's a shame, but I just feel so "invisible" after a few hours with him.

I love how some people are claiming the OP is the one without social skills.

I did ‘read the fucking thread’ putting it in acronyms doesn’t make it any less rude as a response.
Maybe consider that not everyone is comfortable with a conversation where they are on the receiving end of questions about their personal life.
Don't you have other things to talk about ?

I do this 😳😭.

I think it's something to do with switching topics which I find hard. If the person goes on to start talking about themselves then I can ask questions after that point but I find it really hard to change track. I feel like I'm focussed on answering the questions and it's really hard to go from, "How was your holiday...." (and then lots of follow on questions) to then swapping to talk about their holiday... It's like my mind is in one track and it's really hard to switch it over. I realise what's happened when I post-analyse the conversation.

I used to have a friend who only asked me questions she wanted me to ask her. It was so Passive Aggressive. My best relationships are people who talk to me, and don't wait for me to question them. I'm actually pretty good at listening and then asking questions on topic to go further.

LOL - I'm really really not the one talking too much 🙃

I'm absolutely happy with companionable silence of course. As I've said several times, I'm not bombarding people with questions. It's just asking completely normal questions that adults ask to each other.

I should say I'm making an example of my mate here but there are quite a few people in my life who do this. I've really started noticing it recently.

Fair enough. In that case my next reponse would probably be "oh is that the time? Lovely talking to you" and leg it.

It also true that a lot of people just aren’t interested in others. I have friends who are socially awkward or don’t ask a lot of questions but I can still tell that they’re interested in me/my opinions/stuff I say. If she’s not interested in you (or can’t be arsed to pretend), why does she want to be friends? What’s the point?

Try this instead:

You: How's Alan?
Jane: He's alright. He's training for a marathon at the minute so I'm not seeing much of him.
You: Ah I know what you mean - Dave's away for work next week and I'm not looking forward to it. Is the training going well though?
Jane: It's okay. He's building up the distance every day. The marathon's in November so he's got plenty of time.
You: Big commitment though. I'm doing well if I get to the gym once a week...etc

You don't need to leave an awkward pause for an imagined question. You can just say stuff about your life as part of the conversation.

I think questions are just for getting the conversation going. They are rarely a back and forth with reciprocal ones otherwise they it would be formulaic and boring. You said you’d spoken to your friend a couple of days before so it’s not as if you hadn’t seen her for a while. You need to move the conversation forward if someone isn’t forthcoming. I also agree with what some posters have said about ND not being that obvious. I have several friends who have been recently diagnosed. I couldn’t always tell.

This has been discussed on here before and the answers were surprising.

Some said that if the person was from a working class background, they would never ask questions as asking questions is the sole preserve of the police and other authorities.

Others said that they assumed that if someone had something to say, they'd just say it, without having to be asked.

Like you, I find it so odd, it's as if conversations should only be monologues until both parties have said all they have to say, not a proper, evolving interaction between two people at all.

I taught in a very working class area for decades and never found it to be the case that people there were reluctant to ask questions, once they'd got to know me. Quite the opposite, really! I did find they were more guarded if someone spoke in a different accent - it often took longer for them to feel at ease - but the OP is talking about her friends, here, not complete strangers. It's normal to ask the same question back, whether you're talking to your friend about what you saw on TV last night or the hairdresser about where you're going on holiday.

“… the marathon’s in November so he’s got plenty of time”

Silence

Or

“Blimey, I wish I had enough free time to train for a marathon but with Dave working away…”

”Wow! That’s brilliant. You wouldn’t catch Dave doing a marathon unless they renamed Snickers. Ha ha! He‘s away with work next week so …”

”It’s so hard when they’re always training. Dave and little Jimmy are never off their bikes ….”

I only ask direct, specific question when I don’t know people well. In normal, natural conversation with friends I expect it to flow. Or, like a previous poster said, I can cut in and get the topic changed. E.g.
“Have you heard about xxx.?”
“I read on Mumsnet …”
”Did you see that last minute goal last night?!”
“So, I handed my notice in yesterday…”

Just speak up and tell your mate about Dave! Or your promotion/views on the political situation in Gaza/thoughts on the general election/your chin hair!

He agrees that the training was all bonkers and totally out of touch with the real world. That’s on reason DH left that job and now works somewhere where people chat about kids, holidays, family origins, etc, in a normal natural way!

This is always so weird on MN. I have a friend who just never asks anything and therefore doesn’t know much about me. It’s like I’m just a pair of ears (/eyes, WhatsApp) to her 😄 I scroll back through my messages and literally, zero questions. I’ve given up now and waiting for her to enquire about me. Maybe petty, but since when was it high maintenance to expect your oldest friend to ask how you are? What world are we living in here? 🤣 mad.

I wouldn’t have thought Jane is particularly interested in discussing Alan’s marathon training with you, though. She’s probably spending more time than she’d like discussing it with Alan. I find it faintly depressing when women spend their entire time together talking about the men and children around them. As a PP said, I’d much rather talk about the rest of the world, more abstract things. I’m not a robot and sometimes it’s good to talk about emotions and relationships, but not all the time, it’s exhausting and it starts to feel intrusive if you aren’t in the mood.

I've known loads like this OP, no ND. They don't last long in my life