DH took our DD2 trampolining in her pyjamas

[Edenmum2]

I don't know why it annoyed me so much. He has her one-on-one on Sunday mornings (I have a lie in as I do all night wakings) and took her trampolining. He had 2 hours to get her up and ready. Im pretty sure he didn't clean her teeth either. Definitely didn't brush her hair.

He turns up at lunch time all proud of himself and she's still in her pyjamas! Now filthy because they went to the park after.

I don't want to be a nag, I don't want to be negative, I love them bonding and I'm appreciative of him taking her but I just can't shake the fact that his standards for her are so much lower than mine. Like every time I leave her in his care she looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards. Really I can't think he has any other reason to not get her dressed beyond 'I couldn't be bothered'

Am I being a terrible nag? Would it bother you? I just feel like I take on all the mental load of her entire life and he can't even be bothered to get her dressed.

Would it bother you?

It’s the bare minimum of care!!! Yes it would annoy me and yes I would be questioning why she wasn’t washed and dressed. Teeth as well.

Yeah my DH can't get our DS2 into his pj's if I am working past 7.
Poor kid sometimes asleep in his coat. Thought he was taking his shoes off, but turns out DS2 is doing that, hence why they are in middle of living room.

I am expected to get myself and Dc ready to go out, he cant even be bothered to look after him for 10 mins while I wash. Sickens me tbh.

Shame he can't think for himself though.

Many men and women are like that! If it bothers you (rightly so!) perhaps help by setting out clothes the night before? So that you aren’t letting a “small issue” get in the way of their bonding / him taking her out.

It would bother me OP, it’s just basic hygiene clean your teeth wash your face get dressed no matter what age you are

Why can’t he put out the clothes the night before? Bonding my arse, he’s having a couple of hours where the parenting responsibilities are solely on him and he can’t even organise himself properly on that. As for the poster early on who said it was nice her husband had spared her more washing to do, I honest to god despair of the low levels expected of men on here at times.

Jeez the low standards and the expectations of dads on here! Why would it be a one off? He’s her dad- he should be spending regular one on one time with with and some of that will involve taking her out and he should be undertaking basic care which includes a wash, dress, hair and teeth brushed.

Why??? Is he not capable of selecting clothes for his own child??? So her not laying out the clothes is HER getting in the way of their bonding. How ridiculous.
And by the way bonding doesn’t just happen through nice trips out with dad. It happens through him meeting all of her needs on a regular basis.
The dad who can’t wash and dress his child for a trip out will also be the dad who doesn’t think it’s important to for her to have brushed hair, neat/clean school uniform on, face washed and brushed teeth for nursery and later school and she’ll be teased. But that’s mums job isn’t it?

He needs to do it himself. Basic care of your child isn’t a small issue.

OP, if you haven't read it yet, here's a vision of your future: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5110829-to-want-to-discipline-dd-in-this-way

I'd talk to him now about his refusal to do the work of parenting. The trampolining is clearly not a one off.

Let him parent his way. If you keep telling him that he’s doing it wrong then he will slowly stop doing stuff.

it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

Arrhhhh, if going out the next morning, the mistake made was not putting her to bed in comfy clothes. My aunt had a family and worked and had to look at where to cut time so had a whole stash of hacks I then tapped into when I had my kids. She used to put her kids to bed in school clothes to save time getting them dressed in the mornings. Hair was done and teeth cleaned though. Didn’t hurt them, they got to school and didn’t look different to anyone else who’d put their on that morning, she got to work on time, win! They all grew up to be normal adults who dressed themselves in the mornings etc😊.

Yep!

She used to put her kids to bed in school clothes to save time getting them dressed in the mornings.

I know you don't mean older kids, but I just had a funny image of my poor 15 yo sleeping in his blazer and polyester trousers! Sweaty!

Wouldn't the clothes have been rather crumpled after being slept in?

You obviously draw your line on how to care for a child lower than most.

And no, if the father just stopped caring for their child because they were being pulled up on not brushing the child's teeth that would make him very unattractive. We're not talking about differences in opinion on how to hang out washing or stacking the dishwasher.

It would have bothered me ten years ago but now I see grown ups in what looks like PJ 's out in public. Ok m afraid some people are just not very good at grooming practices.
Hes probably excellent in other areas of life , which matter. What worries me more is the sexualised clothing lines for children these days. I think this is a example of planning better in future if he needs to take her out. Another thing kids are just little dirt collecters anyway. ...as long as shes fed clothed and covedered and hes a good provider in other ways, it dont matter in the great skheme of things. Unless shes going to meet the King then dont let this ruin your set up.

So what are you doing to do about it?

When your kids are older and realise what a waste of space their father was, they will also wonder why you did nothing about it.

My first question is why is your 2yr old still waking multiple times a night that surely can't be right, however I have a useless twat for a husband too who also thinks it's acceptable to take our DS7 out with out cleaning his teeth or washing his face he also thinks it's acceptable to go 4 nights without a bath get yours trained now before it's too late

I still think the original post is a non-issue.
Agreed.
Not changing a shitty nappy isn’t simply having an ‘off day’.
OP specifically said he doesn't not-change nappies.
I agree with pp who don't take this seriously.
At one point, ours was so difficult about getting dressed in a morning that I simply put him in all-cotton tracksuits, day and night. He was content to bath and change each day at some time, just not first thing.
He let me clean his teeth thoroughly each night, and I gave him a toothbrush for him to clean his teeth through the day whenever he had something to eat. That was the bit of hygiene I would not let up on.
My priority was to give him a happy childhood and teach him how to help everyone around us be happy too.

OP also said that he left her in a shitty nappy because she didn’t want it changing.

It isn’t fair that he gets to be the ‘fun dad’ and OP is the only one insisting on clean teeth and other basic parenting.

At 7 your DS is old enough to wash his face and make an attempt at teeth brushing.

Men are exempt from a lot of things though, aren't they?

Bit off track here, but spent a while in hospital and noticed that the women visitors:
Put away the relatives clean clothes.
Take away the relatives dirty washing.
Put flowers in water.
Find a doctor or nurse for info.
Ensure relative is comfortable.
Bring fruit and magazines.
etc,etc,etc...

Men visitors just sit there smiling and nodding.

And now I find with this thread, that it's acceptable for many men to not even provide simple basic cleanliness for their own kids?

At aged 7, he probably could do with a bit of encouragement though.

She doesn't have to shirk her responsibilities to have a wonderful time with her little one.
I have a 4 year-old that doesn't like his hair or teeth brushed. That task is left to me as I am the one home all day.
I also manage to have wonderful times with him and getting things done I need to get done.
Also housework etc will always be there.

So why can DH shirk his responsibilities as long as he has a wonderful time with his little one?

Like you just said, it's very possible to do both.