DH took our DD2 trampolining in her pyjamas

[Edenmum2]

I don't know why it annoyed me so much. He has her one-on-one on Sunday mornings (I have a lie in as I do all night wakings) and took her trampolining. He had 2 hours to get her up and ready. Im pretty sure he didn't clean her teeth either. Definitely didn't brush her hair.

He turns up at lunch time all proud of himself and she's still in her pyjamas! Now filthy because they went to the park after.

I don't want to be a nag, I don't want to be negative, I love them bonding and I'm appreciative of him taking her but I just can't shake the fact that his standards for her are so much lower than mine. Like every time I leave her in his care she looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards. Really I can't think he has any other reason to not get her dressed beyond 'I couldn't be bothered'

Am I being a terrible nag? Would it bother you? I just feel like I take on all the mental load of her entire life and he can't even be bothered to get her dressed.

Would it bother you?

Men just don’t see things how we do. We like the kids to be well presented but all they’d argue is that they’re safe and having fun. Which is true I suppose

I agree it's a bit of an over-reaction

but that said, it's completely unacceptable to show so little care for a child, and your own child. It's weird to be that lazy.

The thing that concerns me op is your comment that brought her home filthy. I'd ha e preferred if he'd washed her hands and face and shown her hair a brush and topped it with clean shorts and a tee shirt but if he'd done all that and you were upset ahead come home dirty due to having a wonderful time, that's a worry. Children should be allowed to get Grubby imo and having fun is more important than staying immaculate.

I couldn't disagree more. "Men" who know how to function and get dressed in the morning have the exact same understanding of caring for a child as we do.

Putting the wrong colour jumper is one thing, but cleaning and dressing your kid is not about them being "well presented", it's the minimum care.

You feed them, get them dressed in weather-appropriate clothes, put suntan lotion on when needed, even another child would know the basics.

I think you could argue that if 1 parent is going to gaslight the other into writing a written statement for social services who are then going to interview family/friends and colleagues then the other parent is a victim of absue.

Trying to justify this sort of insanity because the dad is lazy is absolutely ridiculous

I would be annoyed too OP! Its providing basic care to wash and dress your children. He is probably trying to get out of parenting on a Saturday morning so is making it difficult for you.

I think it depends on the circumstances- there are a few examples up thread where I totally understand a one-off leaving the house like this. I think most of us have been in this position a couple of times. However, it sounds as though he is just lazy and hoping you will do it, which is shitty behaviour and totally unacceptable!

My kids are pretty much always in their jammies at home, but we wash/brush hair/clean teeth after every meal and they are always dressed if we leave the house!

What a broad and insulting statement.
I think the vast majority of men know that children should wash their hands and face and brush their teeth in the morning. That isn't a difference in opinion on how well presented a child is, it's basic hygiene and also teaching the child how to look after themselves.

That's actually classed as neglect. If he made the time to get washed, brushed and dressed, then the same extends to another person, his child. It's grim taking her out in pyjamas and not brushing her hair and teeth. He has to do it because she cannot do it independently yet. Your husband is lazy.

Yes they do. Plus - it's not about presentation.

This is awful. You shouldn’t need to be ‘appreciative’ of something he should be doing as standard as her dad. My DH isn’t the one who usually gets the kids ready but if he does do it they are clean, dressed and teeth brushed and hair done (albeit not as neatly as I do it). Sometimes I leave out an outfit as otherwise they’ll be wearing something horribly mismatched (although still clean and weather appropriate).

How is not passing comment mollycoddling? I just leave him to it. Yeah the kids don't look like they'd look if I got them ready... but end of the day he's also their parent so I leave him to parent.
He gets them ready more days a week than I do.

This post has actually reminded me of my child's class mate from primary school. When she stayed with the nan she came to school in clean uniform, teeth and hair brushed. When she stayed at her mum's, she never brushed or had clean uniform. The children avoided her because she smelled, she didn't have any friends. I felt very upset for her. In the end the nan got custody and the little girl moved away.

Do you really need to learn that teeth and hair need brushing and clothes need to be put on? Don't you do those things for yourself every day? I despair.

The not brushing teeth is the worst thing. I assume he fed her, so she ate without brushing teeth first which is really bad for dental health. He's setting her up for cavities and other dental issues, its neglect not an amusing anecdote when she's older.

Quite. Not an amusing anecdote at all.

You don't know he didn't clean her teeth. You can't be sure he didn't brush her hair.

I couldn't get worked up about the PJs.

Non-issue for me

"the hair and teeth are a regular occurrence"
OP's second post.
He's being lazy.

She is learning that men (dads/partners) don’t have to do the same things as women.

I would be really angry. But like the mothers you used to see a few years ago dropping of their kids in their nightwear some people's standards have dropped.

@Bushmillsbabe

My DH would have no idea what to put on her, so if he is getting them dressed then he asks me to put out their clothes the night before.

No idea? But he sees them every day, sees pictures of them, sees them all the time. He knows what sort of clothes she's wearing at the moment. He knows what the weather is like because presumably he dresses himself appropriately, and you don't do that for him too.

How on earth can he, as a grown man, not know how to choose a simple outfit for his child to the extent that you have to put them out for him the night before?

You talk as if he just has a different parenting style whereas not washing and dressing young children is neglectful.

We still laugh about the time Dh did this when our middle child was 2. I was working the weekend and drove past Dh and the kids walking along with Ds in his PJ's to be fair they were clean ones not what he had slept in.
I had to show Dh yet again which drawer was PJ's and not day clothes. Older Ds never said a word to his Dad and thought it was funny.

Ffs helping the OP? And why does she have to do the laundry?

Teeth and hair would bother me, and the general dirt (if she had food on her face, or sleep crust in her eyes, or a dirty nappy). PJs not really. But they are indicative of the level of care taken.