DH took our DD2 trampolining in her pyjamas

[Edenmum2]

I don't know why it annoyed me so much. He has her one-on-one on Sunday mornings (I have a lie in as I do all night wakings) and took her trampolining. He had 2 hours to get her up and ready. Im pretty sure he didn't clean her teeth either. Definitely didn't brush her hair.

He turns up at lunch time all proud of himself and she's still in her pyjamas! Now filthy because they went to the park after.

I don't want to be a nag, I don't want to be negative, I love them bonding and I'm appreciative of him taking her but I just can't shake the fact that his standards for her are so much lower than mine. Like every time I leave her in his care she looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards. Really I can't think he has any other reason to not get her dressed beyond 'I couldn't be bothered'

Am I being a terrible nag? Would it bother you? I just feel like I take on all the mental load of her entire life and he can't even be bothered to get her dressed.

Would it bother you?

I'm wondering why he couldn't open all the drawers and determine this for himself?

My DH would have no idea what to put on her, so if he is getting them dressed then he asks me to put out their clothes the night before.

I could understand a parent (mum or dad) who is either away for awhile or working long hours and not usually dealing with kids clothes asking about specific uniform or sport kit.

Normal day clothes? Come on. Would their own mum have to prepare their clothes the night before too? If they manage all by themselves, they can manage the kids.

It's just lazy, and it doesn't matter if it's mum or dad.

Yes. It's neglectful imo.

If a mum did this she'd be roasted, but because it's a man/dad it's all aww well never mind 🙄

Yes it would bother me.

How old is your child?

The problem is, this type of behaviour has ripple effects.

When mum goes to brush her DD's teeth, the child may resist and have a "well Dad doesn't make me do this" attitude.

Dad gets to be seen as the fun parent and mum is forced into the rule/boundary maker role.

The OP makes it clear that Dad is not open to comment on his lack of hygiene for their child and that mum would be seen as a "nag" if she dares to comment on it, causing a negative cycle of crap parenting and good parenting, where the "good" parent isn't "allowed" to ask the crap parent to raise their standards, so the low standards persist and the child's (teeth/hair/hygiene) suffers.

This sounds like tip of the iceberg stuff to me and so easily rectifiable if Dad just stepped up and became a proper parent to his child without his wife having to parent him too.

Why are some men just so crap and not prepared to do their share?

That's the bit you took from my post! Not that he does school runs, night wakings etc. It's not really a big deal for me to put out clothes the night before, when I'm dashing out the door at 7am and he is getting them to school and back whilst also doing a full time job. We call it working together.

He would dress them but he can come up with some pretty strange clothes combo's, so the girls prefer me to do it.

He’s a parent. Why shouldn’t he do school runs and night wakings?

Putting out clothes because a grown man can’t dress his own children is pathetic.

He would dress them but he can come up with some pretty strange clothes combo's, so the girls prefer me to do it.

I am sorry, I really don't mean to pick on you specifically, I just don't understand this attitude in general.

Your DH knows how to dress himself? He's not Tarzan raised in the jungle? He has access to as much information as you do? HOW can he not know how to dress 2 kids? I honestly do not get it.

He’s a parent. Why shouldn’t he do school runs and night wakings?

to be fair, this kind of arrangement is usually based on work schedule, there's nothing wrong with one parent in charge of this when it makes sense.

It's the "not knowing how" that I don't get.

It is school clothes for one of them, and they have different uniform requirements pretty much every day of the week whether it's forest school, PE, mufti, normal uniform, trip clothes etc. I get all school comms so I know what they need. We asked them to change it to him, but it requires various forms to be completed which we haven't got round to yet.

And youngest is a massive slow coach in the morning so it's easier for me to decide with her the night before what she will wear and leave it out rather than faffing in the morning when they are in a rush.

I can't believe me putting out clothes for my children has caused such a lot of comments, and that the focus had been on 1 bit of my post rather than the fact he gets them ready out the doors to school most days whilst also doing meetings on his work phone via a Bluetooth headset as he starts work at 8am. If I can do 1 small thing to help when he is taking most of the school run load, then why wouldn't I!

Oh yeah, I understand that the school run isn’t always possible due to work schedules.

It’s just the vibe I got from pp and society in general that men are heroes for doing night wakings and school runs when it’s just part of being a parent.

Where did I say he shouldn't do school runs and night wakes? I said it was strange that me putting out clothes was the thing lots of people have picked up on

Nope, he isn't a hero. And yes I'm 100% of opinion that men can share the load. But our reality is that he works from home and I can't with my job, so more falls on him. Therefore I try to do my bit by making their packed lunches and putting out their clothes the night before to make things run more smoothly in the morning when it's rushed. Of course he could dress them, and it would be weather appropriate, but it would probably look a bit crazy colour combo wise.

Because it really isn’t difficult. If he can do school runs and night wakings as well as holding down a full time job, he can dress his children.

It would bother me also.

But I bet when she's an adult looking back at her childhood she'll remember the mad days out with her dad when they had loads of fun and didn't even bother getting dressed.

Right ok, do you do high level management meetings whilst simultaneously getting 2 children to school and nursery?

It's not about whether he is a dad or a mum, it's about trying to make things run smoother and working as a team. If the clothes are out he doesn't have to be debating with our very opinionated 4 year old what she is going to wear, she can get herself dressed. He doesn't need our 5 year old asking what she needs to wear for school today whilst he is in a meeting.

This.

@Bushmillsbabe

I'm fairness to us, you didn't say "he's perfectly capable but might pick stuff that fibre really go together well", you said "My DH would have no idea what to put on her, so if he is getting them dressed then he asks me to put out their clothes the night before."

People can only go on what you've said and people were just surprised that an adult, a parent, would have "no idea" what to put on their own child. But it sounds like you didn't mean that after all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes you are right, I probably have been clearer, i didnt go into detail on that bit as in my mind that wasnt the focus of my post, although others have i can see focused on it. But been after I clarified it, I still was getting a lot of negativity, which is a shame, as my main point was that Dads can and should get them clean and properly fed even when busy, so why on earth on a weekend, with lots of time, couod OP's other half not get her dressed and fed properly

What happens when you’re away from home - girls weekend or work trip - surely you don’t set out the children’s clothes in advance? DH is a parent, if he wants to dress DS in pink and orange, so what?

Yes, this exactly. My husband might not have been bothered about e.g. co-ordinating DS's green and blue striped top with his blue trousers and green hoodie and make sure his socks matched, but he did always make sure he was clean, freshly brushed and wearing clean, appropriate clothes.

Nursery used to joke that they could always tell which of us had dressed him for the day, but they wouldn't have been able to tell just based on cleanliness.

I have seen threads in the past where female posters have been criticised for letting their children sleep in uniform so they can get for school in the morning faster, but it's fine if a man takes a child out for the day wearing the PJs she slept in?

This just isn't on. Such low standards for men amongst many posters here.

At the weekend it doesn't matter what they wear, and there is usually no rush so if our girls take an hour to decide what they want to wear, so what. On school days it does matter, both that they have correct clothes on for that's days activities and that they are quick so they aren't late.

True re pink and orange, and that's partly why he asks me to do it as I take the mickey out of the outfits he used to put them in, so thank you for the learning point on that one, I will try to be a bit less OCD about what they wear 😂. I guess if we want them to do more we have to let go a bit.

This is my main worry. I know he adores her and is a good parent but I need to know he has his shit together. To be clear she wasn't 'filthy', she'd had a bath the night before - so I don't think anyone would look at her and call social services (thanks to that poster!) but it just really annoyed me that she wasn't dressed!

For those asking - he said 'it's just shorts and T-shirt, what's the difference?' 🙄

I definitely do way more of the parenting than him, and almost 100% of the mental load, and I know this needs to be addressed.

Oh and yes my 2 year old still wakes in the night - yay for me