DH took our DD2 trampolining in her pyjamas

[Edenmum2]

I don't know why it annoyed me so much. He has her one-on-one on Sunday mornings (I have a lie in as I do all night wakings) and took her trampolining. He had 2 hours to get her up and ready. Im pretty sure he didn't clean her teeth either. Definitely didn't brush her hair.

He turns up at lunch time all proud of himself and she's still in her pyjamas! Now filthy because they went to the park after.

I don't want to be a nag, I don't want to be negative, I love them bonding and I'm appreciative of him taking her but I just can't shake the fact that his standards for her are so much lower than mine. Like every time I leave her in his care she looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards. Really I can't think he has any other reason to not get her dressed beyond 'I couldn't be bothered'

Am I being a terrible nag? Would it bother you? I just feel like I take on all the mental load of her entire life and he can't even be bothered to get her dressed.

Would it bother you?

@GingerScallop I don't think this is a hill to die on.

If they are not obviously pyjamas - I think you are lucky that you have a partner that will actually take her out on a Sunday morning, give you a lie in and bring her home safe and in one piece (I assume she was sensibly fed, watered and had not hit her head on a trampoline)? Many many parents would just keep them at home instead. It is a bit lazy yes and now they need a wash as she can't sleep in them so it's extra washing. Presumably she has others to change into for the next night

I am sure that if you were hospitalised he'd make sure she changed into day clothes then. He generally sounds pretty capable.

On the other hand, not brushing teeth is more of a problem in the long run - presumably he brushed his own? That is the one I'd be more worried about

I definitely do way more of the parenting than him, and almost 100% of the mental load, and I know this needs to be addressed.

Your daughter is 2? How did it get to this point?

Patterns, once set, can become entrenched and hard to change.

Of course it is about that because mums don’t generally get a hand hold with simple parenting tasks, even when they are working.

He can do the clothes the night before too, nothing is stopping him.

Probably rushing as usual, but also he said he could see how they were PJ pants compared to sweats, they were purple with animals all over, nothing like the sweatpants and shorts in the other drawer.

It would annoy me because it's just basic parenting to get your child dressed when they are going out. His standards may not be as high as yours but it's not too much to expect that she left the house washed and dressed.

I'd tell him.

@PollyPut I agree as a once off. Indeed I twice sent my then 2 year old to nursery in pyjamas because she insisted and wasnt going to change her mind. The choice was going or not going. What I was replying to were the number of people that said their partners cannot differentiate between pyjamas and other clothes. How is that possible? Really? Should we accept that men are really incapable of doing this? My 3 now 2 year old can differentiate pyjamas and day time clothes.
I also think many men delibarately keep standards on childcare low so that they do not share care duties fairly with women. We know how overburdened most women are. So lets demand a bit better of men and how them to account. Otherwise women will remain overworked and under-appreciated.
But overall, yes as a once off thing, no big deal

"I think you are lucky that you have a partner who will take her out on a Sunday morning"
You see, I don't think that's "lucky". I think he's being a dad. The mum is doing a lot, he's (rightly) sharing the load. However, so many women are conditioned to expect so little from men that effectively sharing of parental engagement means that a woman is lucky. 😕

Not the men I know

Not my experience either.

OFGS
Some men don't care what they or their kids look like so would throw on anything
Some mothers and children do. So they take care and trouble

That's the point

This is absolutely ridiculous. How neglected is this child because she didn’t wear “proper” clothes or brush her hair before a jump at the park? 😂 she’s two! Ffs. You piranhas are acting as if this child hasn’t had a bath, teeth brush and a proper meal in months. Seriously. Check yourselves 🤦🏾‍♀️

I didn’t say she was neglected, there’s no need to have a weird little tantrum.

what difference does "being 2" makes? If anything it's worst, she is too young to do it herself.

It is borderline neglectful not to put clothes on and have basic minimum hygiene.

Did he go to the park in his pjs without brushing his teeth? Unless you are seriously ill, it's the least you could do, care for your kids.

Not brushing her teeth is neglect

You piranhas are acting as if this child hasn’t had a bath, teeth brush and a proper meal in months.

@thebestinterest it sounds as though the reason she has had a bath, brushed teeth and decent food is because mum makes sure of it. Dad hasn't. If only one parent actually parents and the other waltzes in and just has fun, is that fair? Mum does every night waking and dad can't brush teeth once a week. Do you really think that's up to snuff?

Check your standards. They’re extremely low.

this child’s dad cant be arsed to brush her teeth, dress her or brush her hair. He’s proud of himself for not doing any of that. If mum gets poorly and dads in charge and doesn’t brush his own kids teeth then of course that’s neglect. The only reason she’s been fed and cleaned is because of mum. Your bar is very low.

This. I would be very annoyed with him.

I'm "that poster" - and if someone repeatedly saw a parent bring a child in inappropriate clothing with unbrushed hair and a general unkept appearance, they could well call social services.
As I say, I've been on so much safeguarding training and this is exactly what they ask us to look out for - a one off, fine. Repeatedly? Call it in.

I think it’s funny and sounds like she had a great time. Edited to say as long as she had a coat on and yes teeth should be brushed.

Not quite sure, I guess we shared it a lot more when she was a newborn and then when she went into her own room at 6 months she started fighting him settling her so that fell on me, and he was back at work so I sort out her meals, and gradually he just did less and less. He's a massive under-thinker and it drives me mad that he never really considers anything that I HAVE to - what we need, what meals to make, when she needs a nap, when and how to start potty training, just general day to day plans.

I feel like he was sneaky, he was really brilliant when she was born and was more connected to her than even I was initially. But now it's swung massively in the other direction and I think he sees her 'want me' more and that's his excuse to be a lazy git.

I think it’s funny and sounds like she had a great time. Edited to say as long as she had a coat on and yes teeth should be brushed.*

She did have a great time I know, which is why I question if I'm being unreasonably annoyed. She didn't need a coat on to be fair, it was 21 degrees here on Sunday.

The teeth thing is annoying because I ask him all the time to make sure it's done but she's a massive fighter of teeth cleaning so I know he just doesn't want the conflict. Which of course makes me the bad guy.

I'm just ranting now but another thing he does is just give her full autonomy over completely inappropriate things. She was poorly the other day and I said 'did you give her calpol?' And he said 'no, I asked and she said she didn't want it'.......she's 2!! Of course she's going the say that!

Or she'll be outside and do a poo whilst I'm making dinner and I'll say to him can you go outside and grab her and change her please. He'll go out and say 'can you come in so I can change your nappy please?' - she obviously says no so he just wanders back inside asking her to follow - which of course she doesn't - and then goes and sits down. And I'm like 'is that it?' ....so then I have to go and get her and deal with the kicking and whining.

Sorry rant over

Basically he avoids the hardest work relationship aspects of parenting. That wouldn't work for me either.

He's stepping right back from anything challenging. Your daughter will grow up with him as the good guy. You'll be the baddie - setting boundaries and insisting on routines. He's an under thinker? Or just lazy and leaves it to you? I think you're going to need to have a conversation about parenting and what bits he can't opt out of.

So he's completely fine with leaving her in a shitty nappy too? He just gets better and better.

Bit weird that he changed her night nappy and put her PJs back on.