Page 2 | DH took our DD2 trampolining in her pyjamas

Edenmum2 · 2024-06-30T22:06:00+00:00

I don't know why it annoyed me so much. He has her one-on-one on Sunday mornings (I have a lie in as I do all night wakings) and took her trampolining. He had 2 hours to get her up and ready. Im pretty sure he didn't clean her teeth either. Definitely didn't brush her hair. He turns up at lunch time all proud of himself and she's still in her pyjamas! Now filthy because they went to the park after. I don't want to be a nag, I don't want to be negative, I love them bonding and I'm appreciative of him taking her but I just can't shake the fact that his standards for her are so much lower than mine. Like every time I leave her in his care she looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards. Really I can't think he has any other reason to not get her dressed beyond 'I couldn't be bothered' Am I being a terrible nag? Would it bother you? I just feel like I take on all the mental load of her entire life and he can't even be bothered to get her dressed. Would it bother you?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/06/2024 23:24

Yes it would bother me. I think routine is good for little kids. I found if I let them do stuff like that once or twice as a 'one off' then they would expect it at random times going forward and they were too little to understand it wasn't appropriate (eg to go to a party) and it would end in tantrums. So better in my opinion to always have a 'we brush our teeth and get dressed after we get up' rule

CelesteCunningham · 30/06/2024 23:24

StarDolphins · 30/06/2024 23:19

Accepting shit standards? For one day?🤣 there’s a hell of a lot worse he could do. Nowhere in the op does it suggest that he regularly doesn’t brush her hair/teeth.

There will be men out there that dress their child, brush their hair etc then do fuck all with them the rest of the day while they sit on Minecraft all day.

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I'm betting he doesn't regularly brush her hair and teeth because I'm betting OP does it.

On the one morning she wasn't around, he either forgot because he's just that stupid, or he made a point of not doing it to mark his dissatisfaction with OP's lie in.

Neither are traits I'd want in my husband.

Babadook76 · 30/06/2024 23:24

StarDolphins · 30/06/2024 23:19

Accepting shit standards? For one day?🤣 there’s a hell of a lot worse he could do. Nowhere in the op does it suggest that he regularly doesn’t brush her hair/teeth.

There will be men out there that dress their child, brush their hair etc then do fuck all with them the rest of the day while they sit on Minecraft all day.

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He has her one day a week. Yes it’s fucking shit standards for not being able to not neglect your child for the one day a week you have them. And as for your comparison, why does it have to be one or the other? So he can only leave her dirty in pyjamas, or clean and dress her but ignore her all day? He couldn’t possibly have washed and dressed her before taking her somewhere fun? That’s entirely too much 🙄

StarDolphins · 30/06/2024 23:26

wombat15 · 30/06/2024 23:22

Do you sometimes go out without dressing, or brushing your teeth too? Grim.

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I have been known to go out without brushing my hair, does that count?! As a one off, I just couldn’t get worked up if my child went out with PJ’s on. My life isn’t that rigid.

If he was pissed or didn’t have an appropriate car seat, yes, I’d be mad. Unbrushed hair/teeth or had PJ’s on! Nope.

Ponderingwindow · 30/06/2024 23:27

A 2yo pajamas and clothes should be virtually indistinguishable. Comfortable, soft, and designed for maximum movement.

the only thing that would really bother me is the lack of tooth brushing.

Ivyrosecrayon · 30/06/2024 23:27

I don't know...
When I've been rushing with mine when they were very young I have left the house with them in PJs.. and definitely as babies.
Also my DH is still pretty clueless as to clothing even after 3 kids.. however he does try.. and he always makes sure they brush thier teeth. He often forgets about hair tho.. I guess as he gas short hair it just doesn't occur to him where as it would to me as I always brush my hair as its long.. so I remember to brush the kids.
If its him getting the kids ready tho there's a high chance they will look very odd. Especially the younger ones. Dresses on backwards, stuff that's too small for them etc..
I just don't pass comment actually because I do think, he's their father and I'd rather he just do it and spend time with them... than harass him till he doesn't feel confident as a parent . At the end of the day yeah, the kids look odd but I know hes doing his best.
Do you think your dh is doing his best or do you think he's doing a shit job on purpose so he doesn't have to do it again?
For me I know my DH isn't doing it on purpose.. he just doesn't think about clothing that much.. he just wears jeans and a tshirt most days. Our daughters have more complicated clothing.
I don't get involved. I know they are safe. They just look a bit dishevelled. They aren't going to remember that they went out in PJs or he didn't do their hair properly.. they are just going to remember that they spent a lot of one on one time doing stuff with their dad.
I don't have those memories of my dad. He was a good man but he very rarely had me on his own and pretty much never did any care for me like getting me ready as a child.
So I look at my DH and I'm just glad he tried even if it hasn't met the standards of how I would do it.

DinnaeFashYersel · 30/06/2024 23:30

Do they look like pjs. Most toddler clothes and toddler pjs look pretty similar

This wouldn't make me angry but I would take the mickey out of him first a long time.

SoupDragon · 30/06/2024 23:30

Did she have fun?

That's all that matters.

bunnypenny · 30/06/2024 23:31

I did, on occasion, send my toddler son into nursery in his PJs top because I picked my battles and having a fight with my 1yo when heavily pregnant while rushing to get to work was not top of my priorities.

however, hmmmm, OP I can see why you’re annoyed but I don’t really think it would bother me. But if it bothers you, tell him and articulate exactly why.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/06/2024 23:31

It is shit op, and some of the responses are fucking depressing tbh.

Did he go out in PJs, unbrushed hair and unclean teeth?

It's not acceptable, what would happen if you had those poor standards of care for her also?

You'd be getting a phone call from nursery or school eventually.

Anyotherdude · 30/06/2024 23:32

@CelesteCunningham Wow! Chill out - she’s 2!🤣🤣🤣

JoniBlue · 30/06/2024 23:34

OP is he a slob in general?

CelesteCunningham · 30/06/2024 23:34

Anyotherdude · 30/06/2024 23:32

@CelesteCunningham Wow! Chill out - she’s 2!🤣🤣🤣

Let a woman post that she does no night wakenings and brings her two year old out without brushing their hair and teeth or putting them in clean clothes. She'd be accused of neglect.

Yet again the bar for men is so low it's in Hades.

wombat15 · 30/06/2024 23:36

StarDolphins · 30/06/2024 23:26

I have been known to go out without brushing my hair, does that count?! As a one off, I just couldn’t get worked up if my child went out with PJ’s on. My life isn’t that rigid.

If he was pissed or didn’t have an appropriate car seat, yes, I’d be mad. Unbrushed hair/teeth or had PJ’s on! Nope.

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A one off would be forgetting to do one thing such as brushing hair. He also didn't get her dressed or brush teeth. If he got her ready every day of the week and just forgot on this occasion maybe you could argue that it is a one off but I bet OP normally does it.

kkneat · 30/06/2024 23:37

It would bother me a lot. Pj’s are for bed. Brushing teeth, brushing hair, getting her changed into day clothes, washing hands and face are basic care & he doesn’t need any congrats for bringing her to a trampolining park

wombat15 · 30/06/2024 23:37

SoupDragon · 30/06/2024 23:30

Did she have fun?

That's all that matters.

No it isn't.

Buttoneyed · 30/06/2024 23:39

StarDolphins · 30/06/2024 23:19

Accepting shit standards? For one day?🤣 there’s a hell of a lot worse he could do. Nowhere in the op does it suggest that he regularly doesn’t brush her hair/teeth.

There will be men out there that dress their child, brush their hair etc then do fuck all with them the rest of the day while they sit on Minecraft all day.

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Did you miss the bit where OP said he was actually proud of himself? Couldn’t even be arsed to clean and dress his own child and is proud of himself.

it is shit standards. He’s more than capable of dressing her in clean clothes, brushing her teeth and brushing her hair and chose not to. Because he’s not on minecraft then he’s an amazing dad?! People have very low expectations for men it seems.

Ivyrosecrayon · 30/06/2024 23:39

Buttoneyed · 30/06/2024 23:14

But it’s just accepting the shit standards from the dad that you just wouldn’t accept from the mum and it’s not right. It’s a basic minimum to get your child dressed, brush their hair and teeth and do nice things with them. He shouldn’t be proud of himself for taking his own child trampolining and not even making sure she’s clean. And really it shouldn’t be accepted like ah bless dad, at least they had fun

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You've got to remind yourself that it's not necessarily shit standards its just not your own standards tho...
The brushing the teeth thing is possibly one to worry about (altho OP doesn't seem definite on him not having done this)
But wearing PJs out or not brushing hair.. it's not really that bad for a 2yo child is it?
Hopefully he'll do better as the child gets older. But you learn as you go along.
Let's face facts.. many men don't need to brush their own hair that regularly.. many men couldn't tell the difference between a child's PJs and a child's trousers and Tshirt... because they don't really care about clothes.
I mean obviously point out that kids need their hair brushing... but I wouldn't get angry about this. You are just getting angry about him not automatically having the same standards regarding children's appearance as you do.

Anyotherdude · 30/06/2024 23:40

CelesteCunningham · 30/06/2024 23:34

Let a woman post that she does no night wakenings and brings her two year old out without brushing their hair and teeth or putting them in clean clothes. She'd be accused of neglect.

Yet again the bar for men is so low it's in Hades.

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But by setting the bar so high for themselves, a lot of women damage their own mental health. Projecting that onto the man isn’t likely to help - it wasn’t her decision to not get the child dressed, so apart from expressing a desire that he doesn’t do it again, she shouldn’t be raising an AIBU about it, is all…

PurpleBugz · 30/06/2024 23:42

It would bother me. The teeth the most I think.

Maybe as a one off this would be acceptable. However it's a one off because it's a one off he cares for the child not because he had one lazy day amoung many good parenting days. It would be neglect if he cares for the child regularly and therefore op will feel she has to do all the parenting to avoid child being neglected. Weaponised incompetence. It's not ok

Buttoneyed · 30/06/2024 23:42

Ivyrosecrayon · 30/06/2024 23:39

You've got to remind yourself that it's not necessarily shit standards its just not your own standards tho...
The brushing the teeth thing is possibly one to worry about (altho OP doesn't seem definite on him not having done this)
But wearing PJs out or not brushing hair.. it's not really that bad for a 2yo child is it?
Hopefully he'll do better as the child gets older. But you learn as you go along.
Let's face facts.. many men don't need to brush their own hair that regularly.. many men couldn't tell the difference between a child's PJs and a child's trousers and Tshirt... because they don't really care about clothes.
I mean obviously point out that kids need their hair brushing... but I wouldn't get angry about this. You are just getting angry about him not automatically having the same standards regarding children's appearance as you do.

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I’m not angry. I don’t know this man. I think your excuses for him are ridiculous though. He should recognise his own child’s pyjamas seeing as he got up with her. And he has teeth. He knows they need cleaning.

Bobbotgegrinch · 30/06/2024 23:42

To be honest, when DD was 2 I sometimes got confused about what clothes were and weren't pyjamas. I mean, one top with colourful animals looks much like another!

Not brushing her teeth or hair is fairly shit though.

rainbowsparkle28 · 30/06/2024 23:44

I first thought you meant i.e. on the trampoline in the garden but absolutely YANBU. He would know that you usually go out in something other than pyjamas (🤨) and teeth need brushing. Pulling on a tshirt and pair of leggings for instance and brushing teeth would take only a few minutes, and hair not ideal if not brushed but if had clean fresh clothes (not pyjamas) and teeth brushed you could look past it but he chose not to do any of it - he wouldn't do it himself so cannot claim he would / did not know. And if he genuinely didn't know that his child needs clean clothes and teeth that says a lot too...

Ivyrosecrayon · 30/06/2024 23:47

Anyotherdude · 30/06/2024 23:40

But by setting the bar so high for themselves, a lot of women damage their own mental health. Projecting that onto the man isn’t likely to help - it wasn’t her decision to not get the child dressed, so apart from expressing a desire that he doesn’t do it again, she shouldn’t be raising an AIBU about it, is all…

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Exactly this!!
Mothers tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves because they feel constantly guilty and also like they are constantly being watched and judged.
I certainly do.. if my child looks feral out abd about I feel shame. Even if I know they left the house immaculate..
But children will end up looking a mess, their hair will look un brushed within ten mins at a trampoline park anyway.. their clothes will get dirty anyway...
I think sometimes I certainly feel resentment towards my DH because the shame simply doesn't register on him. He's not under the same societal pressure.
He would just be proud of himself for getting the kids out of the house and them having a good time.
And maybe that's a better place to be.
Coz really it does NOT matter if your 2yo wore PJs to the trampoline Park and it would be nice as a mother not to give a shit about that.
The fact that I would is not actually the fault of my DH and I don't think it's helpful to try and make him feel the same levels of bullshit guilt that I do.

DreamTheMoors · 30/06/2024 23:48

My husband was gone all the time.
When it was his turn to dress or bathe or do anything for the kids, it was,
”Can you show me what to do?”
He was still saying that when they were 8 & 10.