Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH took our DD2 trampolining in her pyjamas

345 replies

Edenmum2 · 30/06/2024 23:06

I don't know why it annoyed me so much. He has her one-on-one on Sunday mornings (I have a lie in as I do all night wakings) and took her trampolining. He had 2 hours to get her up and ready. Im pretty sure he didn't clean her teeth either. Definitely didn't brush her hair.

He turns up at lunch time all proud of himself and she's still in her pyjamas! Now filthy because they went to the park after.

I don't want to be a nag, I don't want to be negative, I love them bonding and I'm appreciative of him taking her but I just can't shake the fact that his standards for her are so much lower than mine. Like every time I leave her in his care she looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards. Really I can't think he has any other reason to not get her dressed beyond 'I couldn't be bothered'

Am I being a terrible nag? Would it bother you? I just feel like I take on all the mental load of her entire life and he can't even be bothered to get her dressed.

Would it bother you?

OP posts:
Twotimesrhymes · 01/07/2024 22:47

He’s lazy isn’t he. Does the easy and fun parts of parenting

PollyPut · 01/07/2024 22:59

GingerScallop · 01/07/2024 18:28

@PollyPut I agree as a once off. Indeed I twice sent my then 2 year old to nursery in pyjamas because she insisted and wasnt going to change her mind. The choice was going or not going. What I was replying to were the number of people that said their partners cannot differentiate between pyjamas and other clothes. How is that possible? Really? Should we accept that men are really incapable of doing this? My 3 now 2 year old can differentiate pyjamas and day time clothes.
I also think many men delibarately keep standards on childcare low so that they do not share care duties fairly with women. We know how overburdened most women are. So lets demand a bit better of men and how them to account. Otherwise women will remain overworked and under-appreciated.
But overall, yes as a once off thing, no big deal

Show quote history

@GingerScallop I'm so sorry - I tagged you by mistake which might be why they didn't necessarily make sense. I meant to direct my comments to the OP @Edenmum2

Not sure how I mixed that one up...

GingerScallop · 01/07/2024 23:08

PollyPut · 01/07/2024 22:59

@GingerScallop I'm so sorry - I tagged you by mistake which might be why they didn't necessarily make sense. I meant to direct my comments to the OP @Edenmum2

Not sure how I mixed that one up...

Show quote history

No worries.

notacooldad · 01/07/2024 23:47

I can't believe how many are giving dad a free pas because he ' helped' mum

What bullshit.

My dad looked after me and my siblings in the late 60s to late 70s when our mother was seriously ill. We were between 3 years and 11 years.He dammit well made sure we were clean and presentable before we left the front door. He used to say he gets judged on how we look and behave. He ws right. He washed and ironed clothes, tied our hair with nice bobbles, polished shoes etc.
My Dh did the same for our children and we seamless took over from each other when needed.
This clown can't get his child's teeth cleaned or hair brushed.

Thankful my dad and Dh took pride in our appearance but also knew how we looked was a reflection on our families standards.

Natsku · 02/07/2024 09:17

Edenmum2 · 01/07/2024 22:23

I think it’s funny and sounds like she had a great time. Edited to say as long as she had a coat on and yes teeth should be brushed.*

She did have a great time I know, which is why I question if I'm being unreasonably annoyed. She didn't need a coat on to be fair, it was 21 degrees here on Sunday.

The teeth thing is annoying because I ask him all the time to make sure it's done but she's a massive fighter of teeth cleaning so I know he just doesn't want the conflict. Which of course makes me the bad guy.

I'm just ranting now but another thing he does is just give her full autonomy over completely inappropriate things. She was poorly the other day and I said 'did you give her calpol?' And he said 'no, I asked and she said she didn't want it'.......she's 2!! Of course she's going the say that!

Or she'll be outside and do a poo whilst I'm making dinner and I'll say to him can you go outside and grab her and change her please. He'll go out and say 'can you come in so I can change your nappy please?' - she obviously says no so he just wanders back inside asking her to follow - which of course she doesn't - and then goes and sits down. And I'm like 'is that it?' ....so then I have to go and get her and deal with the kicking and whining.

Sorry rant over

He just sounds worse and worse, avoiding all the actual parenting parts of parenting and making you do them instead, while he does fun things.

You need to talk to him about this, explain that autonomy is important but certain things like health and hygiene are non-negotiable and he needs to properly support you in this and take care of his child.

BoogieBoogieWoogie · 02/07/2024 09:55

You obviously feel hard done by and are using this thread as an outlet. Fine. Something we all need from time to time. Sounds like you need a break.

I'm sure you could equally list examples of good parenting by him.
I'm sure he could equally list examples of you having an off day and letting something slide.

I still think the original post is a non-issue.

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/07/2024 11:02

BoogieBoogieWoogie · 02/07/2024 09:55

You obviously feel hard done by and are using this thread as an outlet. Fine. Something we all need from time to time. Sounds like you need a break.

I'm sure you could equally list examples of good parenting by him.
I'm sure he could equally list examples of you having an off day and letting something slide.

I still think the original post is a non-issue.

Not changing a shitty nappy isn’t simply having an ‘off day’.

hoggyhedge · 02/07/2024 18:02

It’s as though he doesn’t think he is really her parent. He’s just babysitting and therefore anle to cut corners

Poddledoddle · 02/07/2024 18:34

I'm sorry but you don't need to be appreciative of a father parenting, and not very well by the sounds of it. I don't understand why he took her like that, was it a choice or did he just not release?

Newmumatlast · 02/07/2024 18:42

I'm so surprised what low standards people have for their husbands/partners. I would say I'm grateful that mine isn't like this but actually no I won't say that because as he does as he fucking should as a responsible parent, same as me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/07/2024 19:36

BoogieBoogieWoogie · 02/07/2024 09:55

You obviously feel hard done by and are using this thread as an outlet. Fine. Something we all need from time to time. Sounds like you need a break.

I'm sure you could equally list examples of good parenting by him.
I'm sure he could equally list examples of you having an off day and letting something slide.

I still think the original post is a non-issue.

Sounds like you need a break.

The irony. This was supposed to be a break for her and she ended up with the changing clothes, brushing teeth, brushing hair. He ended up with all the fun. She does need a break, when her partner does the heavy lifting of parenting for one day a week like she does every other day.

Nanof8 · 02/07/2024 21:10

Nope wouldn't bother me.
She's having a wonderful fun time with Dad. You have the rest of the day to make sure her hair gets brushed and she brushes her teeth.
At 2 years old they can be pretty stubborn on what they want wear. Maybe she didn't want to change before going to park.
That's a battle I wouldn't fight. Let her wear jammies. The teeth, as long as they are brushed later I'm okay with that as well.

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/07/2024 21:25

Nanof8 · 02/07/2024 21:10

Nope wouldn't bother me.
She's having a wonderful fun time with Dad. You have the rest of the day to make sure her hair gets brushed and she brushes her teeth.
At 2 years old they can be pretty stubborn on what they want wear. Maybe she didn't want to change before going to park.
That's a battle I wouldn't fight. Let her wear jammies. The teeth, as long as they are brushed later I'm okay with that as well.

It shouldn’t be up to OP to be doing all of the teeth cleaning and hair brushing though, it isn’t fair.

Parenting is more than just making sure they have fun.

LittleMonks11 · 02/07/2024 22:09

Nanof8 · 02/07/2024 21:10

Nope wouldn't bother me.
She's having a wonderful fun time with Dad. You have the rest of the day to make sure her hair gets brushed and she brushes her teeth.
At 2 years old they can be pretty stubborn on what they want wear. Maybe she didn't want to change before going to park.
That's a battle I wouldn't fight. Let her wear jammies. The teeth, as long as they are brushed later I'm okay with that as well.

Right on Nan 🙄

Italianita · 02/07/2024 22:59

Nanof8 · 02/07/2024 21:10

Nope wouldn't bother me.
She's having a wonderful fun time with Dad. You have the rest of the day to make sure her hair gets brushed and she brushes her teeth.
At 2 years old they can be pretty stubborn on what they want wear. Maybe she didn't want to change before going to park.
That's a battle I wouldn't fight. Let her wear jammies. The teeth, as long as they are brushed later I'm okay with that as well.

Yeah she did have a wonderful fun time with dad.
OP could have a wonderful fun time with her every day if she just shirked her responsibilities.

But let's not expect basics from the man, eh?
Might upset him.
Wonder if he brushed HIS hair and teeth before going out?

Julimia · 03/07/2024 09:30

Oh my goodness relax. He took her, she's safe and probably had a goid time. Next time be a bit more specific with your 'instruction' in a light hearted way. If you keep criticising he will probably end up doing nothing at all.
.

CharlotteBog · 03/07/2024 09:37

Julimia · 03/07/2024 09:30

Oh my goodness relax. He took her, she's safe and probably had a goid time. Next time be a bit more specific with your 'instruction' in a light hearted way. If you keep criticising he will probably end up doing nothing at all.
.

and this is how mothers/women end up doing bloody everything.
Pulling the father up on not providing basic care for their child is regarded as criticising or giving instructions?

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/07/2024 09:55

Julimia · 03/07/2024 09:30

Oh my goodness relax. He took her, she's safe and probably had a goid time. Next time be a bit more specific with your 'instruction' in a light hearted way. If you keep criticising he will probably end up doing nothing at all.
.

OP shouldn’t need to be more specific about basic care for his own child.

pinkyredrose · 03/07/2024 09:57

Julimia · 03/07/2024 09:30

Oh my goodness relax. He took her, she's safe and probably had a goid time. Next time be a bit more specific with your 'instruction' in a light hearted way. If you keep criticising he will probably end up doing nothing at all.
.

Yep that's what every woman wants. A man who needs specific instruction on the basics of caring for his own child. Ffs.

Natsku · 03/07/2024 10:17

Nanof8 · 02/07/2024 21:10

Nope wouldn't bother me.
She's having a wonderful fun time with Dad. You have the rest of the day to make sure her hair gets brushed and she brushes her teeth.
At 2 years old they can be pretty stubborn on what they want wear. Maybe she didn't want to change before going to park.
That's a battle I wouldn't fight. Let her wear jammies. The teeth, as long as they are brushed later I'm okay with that as well.

Teeth need to be brushed in the morning before eating so brushing them later isn't good enough, plus its leaving the hard parts of parenting to OP. Dad needs to do the hard parts as well as the fun parts.

Julimia · 03/07/2024 10:18

Agree but it diesnt seem to be acceptable to the lady does it?

Julimia · 03/07/2024 10:19

He doesn't need it but she wants to give it?

Barney60 · 03/07/2024 10:42

Yes it would bother me. Just lazy.

Xsxjxmx · 03/07/2024 11:31

You dont need to "appreciate" him parenting his daughter for a start, it's him job. Just as much of it is his job to ensure she is washed dressed and teeth brushed and fed. Would he take her to school/nursery like this? If he did and did it repeatedly flags would be raised for safe guarding. Now Im not at all saying there's any issues, you are obviously loving parents and you make sure she's cared for appropriately, but you need to bring this to him and say, ts brilliant you are having one on one time and it's so nice for me to have a lay in and a break, but we both have to show her hygiene is important or when I do it she will start to refuse, because she'll think it's not important so from this week you have to make sure she's sorted properly before you go out
Does he not wash, dress and do his own teeth?

Lilacapples · 03/07/2024 11:34

As a one off “let’s go trampolining” on the the spur of the moment situation it probably wouldn’t bother me but in this scenario I’d be annoyed. It just shows a lack of giving a damn.