Working mums (of more than 1) are selfish

[Drearymee]

Is a line a heard today at a birthday party for my eldest (5). Most of the mums don’t work or work part time and were waxing lyrically how selfish it is for mums of more than 1 to be working FT. Lines such as ‘you only get the time once’ ‘you miss so much’ ‘ a career can wait’ ‘mums like that are a bit selfish, especially with more than one’

i pointed out I work FT out of necessity, but it’s probably more priorities (we have relatively high expenses). Mums got a bit sheepish then.

is this a commonly held belief; I honestly felt so judged.

i can’t work out if it was actual pure judgement for working mums or maybe justifying a choice/ decision not to work professionally speaking?

i don’t know I’d never go around judging a mum for not working or going part time. You do you. Is this a commonly held belief?

deep down do you think it’s selfish of mums of young kids to work, esp when you don’t ’have to’?

Happy mum, happy family. I would go insane being a SAHM, and think my working sets an excellent example to my DDs.
Everyone is free to make their own decision based on their circumstances. She can get lost.

I don't think it's selfish just hard

I don't think it's selfish. I don't really get why having more than one makes a difference to their view??

Having said that I am lucky to have been able to work part time since DC.

I think some people need to validate their choices by putting down others. Why is working f/t with 2 dc worse than with 1?

Oh that sounds very unpleasant, well done for standing up to them. I don’t feel the same as them, it’s not selfish for mums to work - in many cases it’s better for kids as means mum is happier. I agree you do you, end of.

That said, I also do feel it’s good for young kids to have as much of their parents as possible too. I do ‘deep down’ judge babies in nursery for long hours tbh. But I also know that most people don’t do that unless they really need to so it’s not a fair judge. Judge is the wrong word for how I feel - more that I feel for the babies and the parents who must instinctively know that their baby needs them.

I'd probably have pointed out that working dads of more than one are selfish, and watched them falling over themselves backtracking.

I don’t know really OP - I think it’s good for kids to see their mums working for many reasons.
I think it’s also good to keep something that keeps you as not just a mum.
But I also think we’ve been sold that we can have it all and I feel like that’s actually not at all easy!
I wouldn’t want to be a SAHM as the monotony would drive me insane so I’d like to be very part time but have the money to treat the kids/have holidays/do work on the house. So I can’t have it all.
When I dropped to very part time (2 in nursery made it not even worth doing that!) it was stressful due to lack of money so it wasn’t enjoyable. I now work 4 days (but do full time hours with the workload) and although I feel overworked and it’s hard - it’s nice to have some money to do some fun things.

I don’t think it’s bad for the kids as long as they get some time with you every evening and are reading together before bed and on days off you’re catching up with them. Quality not quantity.

They can fottfsoftfosm twats.

Mums get judged if they work, judged if they don't. Do you ever hear of men being called working dads? No they're just dads.

No I don't think it's selfish at all. People make decisions based on their own personal circumstances, needs, wants and values.

In my opinion, people that throw that line around just feel the need to justify their own choices.

My sister said this to me when my eldest two were young. „You are so selfish working with small children! Farming them out so other people can look after them. You’re neglectful and I’d be ashamed if I were you“. She stayed at home for 18 years. She’s now in a minimum wage job and my salary is just short of six figures. I wouldn’t bother judging her but I do have to laugh now…..

What always kills me in these situations is that there is NEVER any mention of dads in these types of debates (usually, but not always, started by women).

Local demographics vary greatly. My contacts tend to be F/T working mums, pursuing decent and established careers (likewise meaning it is difficult to "drop" work for a couple of years without significant detriment to your career). So I think "have to" is far broader than many think, as it is not the immediate economic possibility. As for being selfish - I am not naturally gifted in teaching and pedagogy, or have the boundless enthusiasm with young children that early years professionals have. I love my kids, but they do not need a stressed, frustrated mother at home compared with their lovely nursery and quality time with their parents outside of these hours.

Oh I do love a clickbait title OP!

Stand down everyone and drop your weapons 🤣🤣

As a woman, and especially as a mom, you'll find that you cannot do right for doing wrong. There seems to be a hobby in general society as to finding as many sticks as possible to beat us with. The most important thing is to stay true to yourself, do your best for your family and place idiocities like these on a very firm ignore.

Why is it selfish specifically when you're a mum of more than 1? Does the first child not count - you can neglect them all you want 😂

(I'm kidding about the neglect - I have two young children and a full time job)

Im p/t but my dc are in school, and I used childminders during subsequent mat leaves. I’m also TTO but use holiday clubs. Even I was a SAHM I would still use childcare so that must make me uber selfish!

But they don't think it's selfish of fathers to work full time?

I’d be climbing the walls if I was a SAHM. DD gets three days in nursery, who do a great job with socialisation and preparing her for school, a day with grandparents, and a day with me. The extra household income pays for the whole family to have a great lifestyle. I have no regrets, it’s a great balance, and I’m not selfish.

I agree with @Lokshen. I took a year off with my first and was desperate to go back to work. I am planning on taking two years off with my second due to new baby having some additional needs/ nursery fees, but I’ll be very glad to go back to work when I do. Having two years off is already making me feel anxious. We could afford for me not to go back at all but I need it for my sanity and I want to set a good example for DC. (I wasn’t myself set a good example by my own mother and this caused me no end of problems in my early 20s).

My elder DC has absolutely thrived at nursery and I have no doubt at all I made the right decision for both of us.

I believe young children are best spending most of their time with their prime carer or carers, and that they thrive best being cared for by a person who loves the child.

However, work is a necessity, so I can't see how it is 'selfish' to work. When my DC were little, if I was a millionaire I wouldn't have worked at all. I'd have spent everyday with my children. But like most people I had to work! I worked part-time. Plenty of people have to work full-time. I don't see how it can be selfish to work, it's something you do in order to feed and provide a home for your children.

I never understood these attitudes but then my own mum worked full time as the breadwinner. We are closer than any other mum/daughter I know, although I'm her only child so perhaps not a fair comparison. I know she feels like she missed out though.

I'm a single mum, I work almost full time out of necessity because if I didn't we'd lose our house. I have a reasonable career but I don't do it because I particularly want a high flying job, I see my own career progression as a ticket to a better quality of life for all of us. But yes, it does mean I see less of my children than some of my friends who work very little if at all.

It makes me cross when I hear attitudes like what you've referred to because I just think how lucky and privileged they are to think that. But I also think they're out of touch with reality and that doesn't do them any favours. I'll probably get flamed for this but I find many people, parents or not, who don't work very much lose touch with the "real world". Their definition of "busy" is having to make a birthday cake for their child and take the cat to the vet all in the same week.

No not at all. It's also arseholes who say you shouldn't have kids unless you xyz. As if circumstances can't change (disastrous Liz Truss budget = increased housing costs. War in Ukraine = increase in energy bills) completely beyond a person's control.

People who have to work full time to afford to have kids are perfectly entitled to have children! We aren't advocating eugenics are we??

I just went back to work and was feeling so guilty about putting my 1yo in nursery 3 days a week, with grandparents the 4th day. She is absolutely thriving and loves the nursery, she seems genuinely happier since starting there (I think she was starting to get bored with just me at home.) There’s so much bullshit thrown at women when you become a parent, and as PP’s have said men can do what they like with far less judgement.

My mum also remembers being given a hard time by my gran for working when we were little. All I remember is a happy home, feeling loved and supported, and seeing the equality and mutual respect in my parents’ relationship.

They were voicing their own inadequacies. If they were happy in their choices, they wouldn’t need to judge others. Ignore them.

Lovely. What a bunch of no brain twats. You were very polite. I would have said something along the lines of call me selfish all you like, but I would rather set my kids an example rather than have them see me scrounge off a man every time I want something, and bring them up to appreciate that money doesn’t grow on trees and family time isn’t unlimited - i.e brin them up NOT to be selfish.