Working mums (of more than 1) are selfish

[Drearymee]

Is a line a heard today at a birthday party for my eldest (5). Most of the mums don’t work or work part time and were waxing lyrically how selfish it is for mums of more than 1 to be working FT. Lines such as ‘you only get the time once’ ‘you miss so much’ ‘ a career can wait’ ‘mums like that are a bit selfish, especially with more than one’

i pointed out I work FT out of necessity, but it’s probably more priorities (we have relatively high expenses). Mums got a bit sheepish then.

is this a commonly held belief; I honestly felt so judged.

i can’t work out if it was actual pure judgement for working mums or maybe justifying a choice/ decision not to work professionally speaking?

i don’t know I’d never go around judging a mum for not working or going part time. You do you. Is this a commonly held belief?

deep down do you think it’s selfish of mums of young kids to work, esp when you don’t ’have to’?

@Bewilderedandpowerless Absolutely this. Complete double standards still unfortunately.

I have twins. How do l fit into this?!

I felt judged the other day when my full time colleagues said how going part time is career suicide and you'll have a shit pension (they're also mums).
Seems like women can't win either way.
I personally would rather have time with my family, but I felt so put down by the other women.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter what they think. It matters what you think. Let them have their opinions, that's their issue, not yours

You can only work part time (I think) 😂

This. It’s a lack of confidence and inferiority complex so they feel they have to drag other people down

I just think you do you 🤷‍♀️. The whole parenting thing is very personal

Honestly, I do judge small babies doing 10 hour days 5 days a week. I don’t thnk that’s right. Doesn’t have to be mum tho.

Give it 3 years until they are all at school and those moms have tried to rejoin the workforce - you’ll hear a lot less of them trying to justify their choices by putting others down!
Since DC went into yr3 the SAHM/working mom thing isn’t even a conversation, so this too shall pass 😉

Cool 🤣. Better tell my boss and husband. As lm about to go from 3.5 days a week to 5 compressed into 5 🤷‍♀️

You don't need to feel for them - they will be absolutely fine.

I have three 20-somethings who all went to nursery while I continued to work FT. One of my dearest friends took 20 years out of the workforce to be a SAHM. Now here we are, kids are well reared, in their 20s. My kids have a closer relationship with me than hers do with her, one in particular. I have a decent pension to come while she has very little.

And you wouldn't ever know that mine went to nursery and hers didn't!!

No, 5 compressed into 4

Well don't. They don't need your judgement.

I work FT with two kids (have always worked FT) and IT’S FUCKING HARD WORK.

i do that along with parenting, cleaning, cooking, tidying, drop offs, pick ups, school shows, sorts days, after school classes/clubs/extra curricular.

Same here😅

@adriftinadenofvipers nobody needs any one else’s judgement tho do they. 🤷‍♀️ we all still judge different things tho.

I’ll be honest and say deep down I think I do pass judgement on very young babies being at nursery for long hours. I left work because I felt really uncomfortable with it and I had the possibility to focus on other things and not work. Older kids I think each to their own. I personally had a child minder and recall missing my mum a lot so I haven’t repeated that with my own child. But I acknowledge not all children or care settings are the same so I think it’s a very individual thing depending on all persons involved. Well done for standing your ground but sad you felt you have to. They don’t sound very nice!!

No I don’t think it’s selfish. I think people should do whatever works best for their family. Mums will get judged by someone no matter what we do. I’ve made the decision to be a SAHM at least until my son starts school and I constantly get judged for that too. People say I’m selfish for not contributing financially to my family (even though I do as I’m the reason we don’t have to pay for childcare). Honestly we can’t win.

Having reared three to adulthood, I don't think it makes a button of difference.

Well this isn't something that needs judging. Women still aren't equal. Nobody expects dads to give up their careers and stay at home!

Yeah, snd when their husbands walk out 10 years later and the have to fend for themselves.. well, they'll think differently then.

Each to their own but personally I love working and think I'm a good role model for my daughter. DH's niece has a SAHM and a gran that never worked either. She left school last year and had said on a number of occasions that her ambition is to find a man to live off. Now that could be a coincidence but I can't help thinking that being surrounded by women who don't work has had an influence on her. I feel very strongly that women need financial independence. Not rely on men for handouts.

It shocking this is even still a thing. Women pulling other women down for the choices they make.
If you want to work - work
If you don't - don't

Do what makes you happy and content. One size doesn't fit all.

I have 4 and I'm genuinely a better mum now I'm working full time. There's more "about me" than just being their mum and I'm achieving things outside of the house. I also look forward to seeing them because I have a chance to miss them! I felt like I was just existing at home. It just didn't suit me and I got quite depressed even though I knew I should feel grateful to be able to stay home. A lot of the time when people have negatives things to say, it's because they're feeling negative about their own situation.

I don't think it's a common thought process at all I think that working or not working both get negative comments. I had a so called friend announce to me that women like me that stop working to spend time with their kids are such a let down and im showing my kids good work ethic. By the way this is after me working from when my kids were 6 months old up untill they were 7 when I agreed with hubby the stress of break fast club and me running around like a headless chicken every day trying to stay on top of things was getting too much for me. You literally can't get it right by anyones standards... but there's no right or wrong. You do what's right for your family. P.s not working in the office didn't last long , 6.months later I was working from home for my husband as we both went self-employed with our own business 🤣🤣🤣 she didn't like that either ... needless to say we don't speak anymore..

What are they on? Most full time working Mums have to do it for the family finances (certainly in our area where houses cost a fortune). Im part-time and consider myself lucky its partly for the money but also for the enjoyment of working. We could survive without my wage but would have to cut back on extra treats, but thats a lucky position to be in.

I loved staying home when the kids were younger but couldn’t be a SAHM once they were at school (needed something more than just looking after the house etc - which is a hard job in itself but wanted something for me and more money for the family).

I dont judge any parent as we dont know anyone elses finances or situation.