Working mums (of more than 1) are selfish

[Drearymee]

Is a line a heard today at a birthday party for my eldest (5). Most of the mums don’t work or work part time and were waxing lyrically how selfish it is for mums of more than 1 to be working FT. Lines such as ‘you only get the time once’ ‘you miss so much’ ‘ a career can wait’ ‘mums like that are a bit selfish, especially with more than one’

i pointed out I work FT out of necessity, but it’s probably more priorities (we have relatively high expenses). Mums got a bit sheepish then.

is this a commonly held belief; I honestly felt so judged.

i can’t work out if it was actual pure judgement for working mums or maybe justifying a choice/ decision not to work professionally speaking?

i don’t know I’d never go around judging a mum for not working or going part time. You do you. Is this a commonly held belief?

deep down do you think it’s selfish of mums of young kids to work, esp when you don’t ’have to’?

That's extreme! I'm still friends with some of my kids' nursery carers over 20 years later!

Yeah but just wait until their relationships start breaking up...

I love my work. And it’s something that is very useful and contributes to society. And I have 4 kids 😱 why would I waste all my training and experience. Im
proud to show my daughters how you can work hard and contribute positively to the world and also pay thr bills. I want them to have a strong work ethic

@adriftinadenofvipers I said in my post doesn’t have to be mum. I would judge both parents equally. But I stand firm in my belief and actually it’s backed up by a lot of research that being in childcare is not the best for young babies.

In this instance neither of the women were married to their partners.

I think that a child should be brought up at least part time by either parent until school age.

But what does that mean?

that one parent should work part time?

I'm willing to bet this poster was negatively compared to her sainted sister, and I am equally willing to bet that the cousins haven't grown up significantly different to each other.

My understanding was that the two biggest predictors of outcomes in children are household income and maternal education.

I've been everything from sahm, part time and full time. I think it's very easy to think picking your kids up at 5 is important but so is paying for school trips, driving lessons and university.

Well I don't. It makes fuck all difference.

I'm not sure I get how if it's one child it's fine but not if it's more than that. I do think that if money allows it the less time a young child spends in childcare the better. So yes, if both parents worked full time and didn't need to I wouldn't see that as being in the best interests of a child.

Oh Christ, it’s not unselfish in the slightest! Working is a necessity. But I think it’s a no brainer that it’s best for the young child to be looked after by someone who loves them. This still falls to mum. it’s not often the dad or grandparent who steps in. Ultimately I couldn’t afford the next best thing, which would have been a loving nanny. so yes, I did give up work while DC were little (a decade ago). But my career did take a hit, and is only recovering now when they are teens, so no answers. You do what’s right for you and your family.

Is it?

can you provide it?

Who made you the expert?

Yes, I did it with three, and I look back and wonder how the hell!!!

Plus I did a masters which started just as I was going back to work FT with a 10 month old, and DH was in final year of a degree. Thinking about it now exhausts me.

God.

Yes sahp or part time.

These women must be rich and out of touch to think it's a choice. Most parents work FT because they financially have to!

And as usual, these ridiculous standards seem to only apply to women, men who work FT are not selfish 🙄

All I can tell you is that it made sod all difference to my three successful and intelligent adult children. I also compare my experience with that of my friends but sure what would I know!

In this instance neither of the women were married to their partners.

That is just insane, that people who have made such unwise choices have the audacity to be criticising others. I know you must have felt attacked by their unpleasant comments however, knowing what a precarious position they've placed themselves in I am sure that rationally you must know these are not intelligent people whose unsolicited advice on life should be attributed any value. Don't waste any further time worrying about their opinions, and ideally spend no further time in their company being subjected to such nonsense. The PP who said they are projecting their own insecurities was almost certainly correct given this update because one would think on some level they must be aware of the extremely risky situation in which they have placed themselves, and if they are not then they are even more foolish and their opinions even more irrelevant! I am sure you can find more worthwhile aquaintances.

Is there a choice? 😆 I have two and of course I work full time. I earn more than their childcare costs and we need the money. Most people are in that boat! Hilarious that people think there's some kind of 'choice'. We both work every hour to keep us fed and sheltered.

So a woman (as is typical) not working whilst her high earner husband works and provides? A woman earning money is not In the best interest of the child? What if the marriage goes south, and she’s got nothing after years of not working?

I think a lot of women feel guilty if they work, and guilty if they don't. So there is comfort in surrounding yourself with an echo chamber of other people agreeing with what you've done. Which a lot of the time dips into criticising the "other side", as it were. Which is sad, because most of us are in the same boat re having to make difficult decisions about parenting.

For me, I'd say I had more pity for any woman (or parent), who didn't have a choice. That is, those who want to work but can't because they have caring roles, and those who want to be with their children but have to work because they need the money.

Okay. So are you proposing that each family with young children has a parent's previous salary covered by the state and is guaranteed a return to their previous job once their children are older? How do you propose to fund this?

They are even more vulnerable then, silly women!