Working mums (of more than 1) are selfish

[Drearymee]

Is a line a heard today at a birthday party for my eldest (5). Most of the mums don’t work or work part time and were waxing lyrically how selfish it is for mums of more than 1 to be working FT. Lines such as ‘you only get the time once’ ‘you miss so much’ ‘ a career can wait’ ‘mums like that are a bit selfish, especially with more than one’

i pointed out I work FT out of necessity, but it’s probably more priorities (we have relatively high expenses). Mums got a bit sheepish then.

is this a commonly held belief; I honestly felt so judged.

i can’t work out if it was actual pure judgement for working mums or maybe justifying a choice/ decision not to work professionally speaking?

i don’t know I’d never go around judging a mum for not working or going part time. You do you. Is this a commonly held belief?

deep down do you think it’s selfish of mums of young kids to work, esp when you don’t ’have to’?

What are the benefits of staying home with your child before they start primary school? I’d really like to know

a combo of living in partners house, and still being in a lower fix and smaller houses

Reading this thread, most people (PT, FT and SAHM) are on the same page. People who work FT because they have to are not selfish. Most people agree that once children are in school working at least PT is a good idea. Most people agree that working FT in a job that means a preschool child is in nursery for very long hours (7-6 for instance) is not ideal if the family can afford not to. And most people agree that being able to afford to be a sahm/D is a lovely luxury to have the choice of doing, but it needs to be a choice.

Obviously they are absolute idiots. I’ve also only ever heard this crap from mums who were a bit too stupid all round but defo too stupid for a successful career. I’d say they are jealous.

I think there’s a huge nuance in the working full time when they don’t have to thing, define have to, physically affording to live or having a good quality life?

we could just about live on my husbands wage, we’d be comfy but things would be bit tight if I worked PT at a lower paid job. But I work FT because I want to save and go on holidays, and take my kids on day trips etc that make me selfish?
did most agree it was not ideal if they can afford not to?

I've never heard anyone say this but then I've never known any SAHMs personally. I'm working class as are all my family and friends, nobody could afford to be a SAHM.

I had the reverse situation and a group of working women slagging off SAHM, the usual crap you hear, a few things mentioned already on this thread - they thought I worked - apparently, I didn't seem the "type" until they asked my opinion. It's not nice - they never spoke to me again and I couldn't figure out whether it was embarrassment or judgement.

Jeesus christ it's not the 1950's!

They are small minded twats op. Probably trying to justify their own decisions. Ignore!

Honestly I feel bad for the kids that never go to nursery before starting school. They miss out on developing social skills, learning to form relationships with lots of different people and being enriched by the huge range of activities/experiences a nursery setting is able to provide.

My 1 year old had a tantrum after I picked her up from her first day at nursery - she wanted to stay longer. We did lots of stuff at home, went to toddler groups, etc, but it's not as fun as being with other babies in a place that provides different toys and new activities every day.

When my eldest started reception, you could definitely tell which kids had not been to nursery - they had much poorer social skills, struggled to form relationships with their peers and would be crying at drop off for ages.

Not seen that in a while but instantly knew what it was! 💡 😍

I have two DC. DH's salary could cover us reasonably but I work. And not only that, I work full time. And it's because I like work and I want to apply all the education and training I worked hard for.

I am the worst, clearly!

I had all the younger years at home (before school) and absolutely loved it. Even the rainy days, snuggled up on the sofa watching Peppa Pig. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to have missed those years for the thought that my DH would ever leave me and I think that would be a sad reason not to do it (if a Mum wants to stay at home).

I got the first interview I went for when I went back to work and was honest and said my computer skills may be slightly ropey 😂 after several years off but they were brilliant and quickly got back into work.

If a Mum wants to take time off to be with her little kids, I would definately say go for it as you never get a second chance again. I knew as soon as school started for both I would want to work part-time and will probably go to full time in the coming years.

For all of the above, I consider myself lucky as everything was a choice. Lots of Mums don’t have a choice and its full time work to be able to live and pay the bills.

I wish we looked at child benefit here in the UK and offered more in the younger years when its harder to work and gave more parents the option to stay home or reduce hours. It seems ridiculous we pay child benefit till 18 when there will be few parents unable to work full time with older teenage children (obviously excluding families with disabled children etc). Its so outdated still paying it at that age.

Same apparently

I remember years ago my friend and I where both judged
I was briefly on benefits (so not working at this point) and she worked 20 ish hours a week
We where in a queue and got chatting to the women in front of us-all with our babies
She mentioned she was going back to work soon-the judgement!
Funny looks and comments about 'leaving your baby'
I mentioned that I was a stay at home mum and was judged again for being on benefits!
(I got a job not long after-only part time,so was judged again)

No matter what we did,we where judged

My ds and his girlfriend are having a baby (just waiting on news right now)

She's been judged left right and centre for planning to be a sahm but nobody has said anything about ds going back to work,even though he'll be a equal parent too

Despite my XH and I working full time my DC did not go to full time nursery. We had a nanny share and some nursery pre-school. I had an after school nanny to be there till I got home from work. The kids were super close with the children we shared with and did some after school activities with them. Despite them going to different schools (they went private, mine state) they are still close now in their 20s.

I didn't go part time because I became a CEO.

The more kids the more time is split between them, so if there's already limited time with parents due to both working full time then it's easier to meet 1 child's needs than then trying to spend time with multiple children for eg only 2 hours most days.

There is nuance I suppose. And personally (and obviously this is personal, you and others will feel differently but that's fine, this is the point of your thread), if you say you would be comfortable on one wage then it sounds like from what you've written that you being part time (school hours for instance) would be enough for days out and holidays. If that's the case then in your position I would not choose to work full time if it meant a longer day of after-school clubs or childminders for my child.

I always think of this from the mash report when these conversations come up.

I'm a full time working lone parent, women just can't win.

dunno, depends on the salary and the job but maybe UK holidays and a cheap abroad holiday every other year.

as it stands we like a city break, a Uk holiday and 2 abroad hols a year

This really resonates with me - totally see the bigger picture argument and it is one I often make to people!

I am not taking a year and feel very judged for that. But I want to go back so I can continue to progress and have more flexibility in a few years when my little ones start school.

OP, I think they were saying it to make themselves feel better. Personally wouldn’t want to be around people like that as they sound a bit dumb.

They can now - back in the day it was 18 mere weeks!!!

FWIW either one of my parents could have been a stay at home parent, but by both working they were able to provide my brother and I, and of course themselves, with a quality of life, life experiences, and opportunities that not only benefited us in childhood, but has done so throughout our adult lives as well. I’m grateful to both of them.

People have to do what's best for them and their family.
Stay at home mums sometimes feel that they have to justify not pursuing their career and may also be a little bit envious of women who have.

Having to put 3 children through university, I’d say now that staying on at work during the early years might be worth it to you can start saving for their education. I am now so grateful to be able to support them also as nearly adults.