Working mums (of more than 1) are selfish

[Drearymee]

Is a line a heard today at a birthday party for my eldest (5). Most of the mums don’t work or work part time and were waxing lyrically how selfish it is for mums of more than 1 to be working FT. Lines such as ‘you only get the time once’ ‘you miss so much’ ‘ a career can wait’ ‘mums like that are a bit selfish, especially with more than one’

i pointed out I work FT out of necessity, but it’s probably more priorities (we have relatively high expenses). Mums got a bit sheepish then.

is this a commonly held belief; I honestly felt so judged.

i can’t work out if it was actual pure judgement for working mums or maybe justifying a choice/ decision not to work professionally speaking?

i don’t know I’d never go around judging a mum for not working or going part time. You do you. Is this a commonly held belief?

deep down do you think it’s selfish of mums of young kids to work, esp when you don’t ’have to’?

I've worked in a nursery before where one of the staff hurt a baby by throwing them down hard on the floor. I would never leave a baby in nursery who couldn't talk because of that

I find the type who say this are also hot housing their girls trying to get them into Oxbridge - why would you do that if you think women should be at home??

This I don’t understand why having more than one makes it worse? I totally disagree with them though in respect of working mums.

As a SAHM I sometimes wish I had a career. Ignore, it reflects worse on them than it does on you. Another SAHM said something similar to me once and I thought it was a bit pathetic (we know a very high earning mum who is nothing but lovely and I think it was directed at her, it sounded like jealousy from where I was sitting) tbh. Dads don’t get this nonsense.

Or a title that reflects the conversation had and thus the thread

I’ve always found that it’s the parents who don’t work that are looked down on. I can’t work and I often find myself on the receiving end of quite harsh criticism about it. It’s the ‘norm’ where we are for both parents to work and dc to be in nursery .

“Are you really stupid enough to fail to understand that many women don’t have a choice?”

And then leave and don’t speak to them again.

Life is too short to humour people who cannot grasp basic economic necessity.

I have 2 children, both pre-school
age, I work full time (plus a bit of overtime occasionally). Youngest DS goes to nursery one day a week and eldest goes 2 days. We have family help the rest of the time or I work when my husband is off. Even if we could afford for me not to work I still would. I love my boys but I am not cut out to be a stay at home mum, I’d go mad 🙈

I don’t understand why they think it makes a difference if you have 1 child than if you have more than 1? 🤷‍♀️

I’m not sure why 2 or more is worse than one, perhaps it’s that they went back to work after one and it got too much so they reduced their hours?

They are just projecting their insecurities and trying to make themselves to feel better.
fine if their DH or trust fund allows not working… If any of them claim benefits because of this lifestyle choice I’d be royally pissed off

I personally would love to be a SAHM, but I can’t. The end.

Very judgemental of them.

It would be more selfish if you stopped work and then couldn't afford housing/food IMO.
How rude of them. They wouldn't like me, I work 4 days with 3 children. You have to do what's right for you and your family, it certainly isn't selfish.

@Drearymee I was returning to worl after maternity leave and the local radio station was doing a session on working or SAH mums.

I called and said Id had enough of talks about babys poo and what theyre doing or not doing and was returning to work 4 days a week - I didnt say what I did but I had a good job and my career was moving on up - Id been promoted ehilsy on maternity leave. I added that I wasnt saying anything negative about the choices others make, but this is what I needed. I also said I could focus better working and I'd be a terrible mum if I had to do it full time, it would feel like a chore and Id rather value every second I got as a working mum. I laughed and the DJ laughed. I was then shocked when another mum got on a started arguing against me. The DJ was great, he said but shes really clear that she needed to go back to work for her own well being and that means her baby gets yhe best mum posdible and it's really each to their own. He then cut her off.

SAHM are martyrs in their own heads, whilst working mums are the real heroines because we never stop being mums, we just have x additional hours when we also have to work!

I think most mums probably work at least part time. This mum sounds like a prick, there’s plenty of them about so I wouldn’t think any more about it.

I work 50 hours a week because I'm a single parent and the kids need to, you know, eat and stuff. I'd love to be part time.

If we didn't both work we'd be living on benefits. They'd likely be far more judgmental about that!!!

They sound like a bunch of thickos who lack the ability to think about the subject they're discussing properly.

If it makes you feel any better though, you still get judged as a sahm. I've been a sahm, worked full time, worked part time. Someone will always have a moronic opinion. As a sahm I had a few conversations where mums who worked full time looked at me with pity and talked about how bored they would be if they stayed at home and they needed something to keep their brains working. Like I was a boring, brain dead idiot.

It's the joy of motherhood - constant judgement whatever you do!

What about single mums? Are we allowed to work? I'd love to give up work and be a sahm but unfortunately the dwp doesn't agree with me.

I don’t think it’s bad for the kids as long as they get some time with you every evening

I was away two nights this week. Does that mean my kids are fucked?

It's a change from the usual abuse reserved for SAHM - on this very forum, some posters have even compared them to "prostitutes".

It depends on the definition of "full time". For some people, it's at most a 9 to 5, but in the real world, it can mean being out of the house between 7am and 8pm. Bit sad for the kids never to see their parents

I have been a sahm.
I have also been a working mum.

What I have learned is you can't bloody win! Of course little ones need to be attached to a parent/ parents as much as possible but that doesn't mean being a sahm means you are a better/ good parent.

All that conversation should have taught you is who not to hang out with or have round ever again (she sounds like a nasty piece of work)

But they have the weekend? And what childcare is open til 8, most is til 6

Not defending her,but your sister,on the flipside probably sees being at home with her children when they were little as pretty priceless,so I think it's a bit mean to laugh at her.Different strokes for different folks and all that.

Why are women still saying this sort of nonsense? Is it ok for dads to work full-time? If so, why the double standard??

It wasn't till I joined MN that I realised how much some women hate and judge other women.