Working mums (of more than 1) are selfish

[Drearymee]

Is a line a heard today at a birthday party for my eldest (5). Most of the mums don’t work or work part time and were waxing lyrically how selfish it is for mums of more than 1 to be working FT. Lines such as ‘you only get the time once’ ‘you miss so much’ ‘ a career can wait’ ‘mums like that are a bit selfish, especially with more than one’

i pointed out I work FT out of necessity, but it’s probably more priorities (we have relatively high expenses). Mums got a bit sheepish then.

is this a commonly held belief; I honestly felt so judged.

i can’t work out if it was actual pure judgement for working mums or maybe justifying a choice/ decision not to work professionally speaking?

i don’t know I’d never go around judging a mum for not working or going part time. You do you. Is this a commonly held belief?

deep down do you think it’s selfish of mums of young kids to work, esp when you don’t ’have to’?

This.

People worry too much about what others say, as along as you are happy that's all that matters

Absoultly not selfish! Ive just returned to work and have a 5 & 1 year old. Im on a 3 month phased return but my job long term cannot be part time so i have to be full time eventually. I have also worked very hard to get to where i am and why should i have to start again in a couple of years time?
Would i rather stay at home if circumstances allowed? Of course! Who actually wants to go to work? Haha
I actually find my kids are more confident being used to me going to work. I have friends who are stay at home mums and im not judging them, but thier kids have no confidence and will not go to other people. Infact, whilst writing this, its made me think about the kids in my 5 year olds school class and i bet i could pick out who has both parents working by how confident/good social skills the kids have!
Everyone has different circumstances and needs to do whats right for them.
Im lucky my mum and inlaws have my 1 year old and do school pick ups.
I have a friend who has no family help so choses to stay at home so self employed hubby can work. I have another friend who choses to stay home as it works for her benefits wise.
I have other friends that work full time too.
My sister works part time and has help but struggles to cope.
I can confidently say my children do not love me any less than my friends who stay at homes children love them and certainly do not miss out on anything

My SIL had snotty comments god me working FT whilst she was a SAHM. 18 years later, her marriage broke down and she lives with her parents, my marriage broke down and I bought my husband (her brother) out if the house. I’m so pleased I protected myself.

Part time... so only part of one partners salary, presumably?

How to fund? For a start, you wouldn't need so many government funded nursery places.

I don't know of any studies that prove it either way, but have often wondered about "indirect" savings of parents being able to afford to be at home with their children (if they want to be). Breastfeeding is often cited, so if more women were able to breastfeed, presumably there would be fewer illnesses in babies requiring NHS time. A woman at my work who can't afford to not work FT has a 1.5 yo who is frequently ill. She fibs to nursery and says he's fine as she needs the childcare, but I do wonder how many stomach bugs he's passed on to the other children and their families, and how many adult sick days (if any) it has lead to. PND would also be interesting to look at, in relation to finances, as I think that's quite costly to the state if it's bad... Just because something looks "cheaper" on the surface, doesn't necessarily mean it is overall.

I left my ex-husband for reasons of safety when both my boys were very small (one just three so not at school). Thank God I had refused to give up my "crappy" career (teacher but not a proper job according to ex) as it meant I could find a private rental and put food on the table. No chance I was EVER relying on Mr Megabucks (or any man for that matter!)

I don't think it's right to judge someone else's life choices full stop .. Everyone does what needs to be done according to what works for them ..

I don't care what research says - I am speaking from my own living experience and that of my siblings and my friends.

So what’s your point? Women should jack in working because the odds are in their favour?

They have to work full time because they aren't entitled to UC. We do the same as you with the UC top up but I have no strong feelings about children being in childcare full time.

Well you see, here's the thing. I worked FT but I breastfed all three children, two of them for a year each and the other for nearly 2 years.

Go figure.

And actually on that there’s a huge amount of reasons why women with children may stay in a marriage they’d have otherwise left if they had no kids

so in your experience children being in childcare is bad?

@adriftinadenofvipers Similar 😀 Also worked - breastfed first for 18 months (he self-weaned) and other two until the ages of 3.5 and almost 4.

Shite.

I always earned more than my XH so after we had children why didn't he consider not working full or part time?

When we got divorced after his affairs it was exceptionally helpful that I was financially independent - it meant that I could continue to support my DC to have a good life, not scrape around in poverty. And now that my DC are in their 20s they respect my achievements and career - isn't it a good thing for them to know that women can be just as successful as men and leaders in their fields? Or do we just want to perpetuate the patriarchy - Dad's have careers, Mums depend on them.

LOL do we get condemned for working FT and lauded for longterm breastfeeding?!

I think working mums are bloody awesome!! Seriously trying to be good at work and then running a home and juggling children and everything else!

Just that you scaremongering that relationships are doomed and so every woman should work full time isn't accurate.

That's an amazing achievement!

But you get my point, for most women, they are more likely to continue BFing if they are at home.

And there may be other savings, overall. It would be an interesting study, as far as I'm aware, there isn't one on this - the other things that go on domestically are traditionally undervalued, as they don't have easily quantifiable price tags on.

No, the total opposite! My children thrived in nursery - they loved it and I was happy and content with them there. I did have a couple of dodgy childminders, but my last childminder was a wonderful lady.

I am 1000% certain that my three kids would not have turned out any different to how they have if I had stayed at home with them, and they're 20, 25 and 27, and I am so fucking proud of them!

I wouldn't send a baby to nursery, maybe when they are 3 or 4 part time

What a strawman!

surely you can see the overarching point is, some relationships in fact a fair amount DO breakdown and you are at risk without a financial security net that is often gained through work. Likewise for pension. Ultimately in the real world no one gets married JUST to get to get a divorce, but shit happens

I think you maybe quoted me by accident, because I was replying to the poster that said ‘EvIDeNcE’ says childcare is bad for children- none of which I do believe

I knew I was never going to be a SAHM, so I worked around it. I went back to work when my babies were 5 months, 7 months and 10 months. We only got 18 weeks' maternity leave back then.

None of the logistics would have worked for me to go PT - the location where I worked, the corresponding increase in childcare costs for PT. My kids all did a lot of hobbies and after-school activities because it was important to me that they weren't disadvantaged by my working. They all learned to swim competently, did activities like Guides/Scouts, the girls did ballet and passed a few grades and they all did several musical instruments.

Not blowing my own trumpet (no pun intended!) but it can be done and I was an older mum - I was 40 having my youngest.