Working mums (of more than 1) are selfish

[Drearymee]

Is a line a heard today at a birthday party for my eldest (5). Most of the mums don’t work or work part time and were waxing lyrically how selfish it is for mums of more than 1 to be working FT. Lines such as ‘you only get the time once’ ‘you miss so much’ ‘ a career can wait’ ‘mums like that are a bit selfish, especially with more than one’

i pointed out I work FT out of necessity, but it’s probably more priorities (we have relatively high expenses). Mums got a bit sheepish then.

is this a commonly held belief; I honestly felt so judged.

i can’t work out if it was actual pure judgement for working mums or maybe justifying a choice/ decision not to work professionally speaking?

i don’t know I’d never go around judging a mum for not working or going part time. You do you. Is this a commonly held belief?

deep down do you think it’s selfish of mums of young kids to work, esp when you don’t ’have to’?

I think part time is the dream. For me anyway, I got time with them and I kept my foot in the door. Now they are all in school I was able to walk into a better paying full time position where I mostly work from home. But each situation is personal. I would never make a general comment on this. that is rude. Everyone’s situation is so different. When I became a parent, I definitely took a step back from my career but this was more for my own mental health.

One of my closest friends has a big job and I look at her in awe, she can literally save lives all day, remember that they need a costume/money/book and turn up to a soccer match in the evening all when being on call. She is just a greater being than me. I could not parent properly with a big important job.

Childcare has only benefited my kids as well. I honestly believe they are better off for it. Especially with the play opportunities it offered in 20/21.

Nope. Absolutely do not think it’s selfish to work. I have to work out of financial necessity, but I also love my job and value have the time to myself doing what I enjoy, engaging with adults daily. My son has thrived at nursery in a way I am confident he wouldn’t have if he was at home with me full time.

I fought to have a flexi-working request approved when DS was 16 months and I wanted to work 4 days a week (had been back at work full time 6 months and nursery fees were killing us). I lasted 2 months before I begged to go back to 5 days on wellbeing grounds. I was so run down and I was working compressed hours so doing 10+ hour days with half an hour break the other days, so that did play a part in it. I’m a happier, better person and a better mum when I work full time. It works for us and is worth the financial sacrifice for childcare. Even if I didn’t have to work, I would.

Every mum is different and I hate to see others judging, well done you for calling them out.

But that’s not research that says being in childcare isn’t good for children

I actually overheard some nannies having a discussion saying the same thing, the parents were working FT, but at least it is an only child and they are not planning more which is a good thing.

Gosh that’s completely unreasonable of them. I work part time as that’s what’s works best for my family but I have worked full time in the past and that was what was best for my family at that time and for
the long term (the career progress it gave me means I can now afford to work part time)
I’ve also been at home full time as that was what was best at that particular point in our lives

@Drearymee if you are really interested it’s very easily Google-able - I’ve attached a quick link here which is a SUMMARY and the only reason I’ve chosen this one is it names/links the research articles at the bottom which then can be accessed if anyone so wishes. Obviously with all studies there are limitations and errors but the general opinion is for young children certainly less than 1 year it’s harmful. That’s been the outcome of research for pretty much decades. Look up Belsky from the 90s

criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4

They'll be the ones moaning how they can't get a job after 15 years out of the workplace and how it should be easier for mums to get back into work.... 🙄

Aye, working mums are selfish. Whereas working dads are valiantly going out there and being good providers.

Nothing but internalised misogyny.

Then that comes back to needing the money and needing to work. But I think a lot of parents are a good team, and are working towards the same future and aren't about to break up.

Don’t around 50% of marriages end in divorce?

It's not selfish. You can't really use high expenses as a reason though, as much of that will be through choice.

Very weird comment. I work FT so I can provide my LO with a fantastic lifestyle. I spend quality time with him when we are together and can pretty much do/go wherever would be most fun for him because I can afford it. He has a beautiful home to grow up in and a big garden to run around in and enjoy. He’s built really strong connections at nursery and is thriving. None of this would be possible if I didn’t work FT. They should just do whenever works best for them and their families and mind their damn business quite frankly!

👏👏👏👏

You need to find the stats for marriage breakdowns with young children really

Precisely.

A high mortgage is a choice? Huge amount of people have just gone through rate shock with the interest rate rises?

but yeah some of it is choice, I like our holidays and being able to save and run 2 cars

Don’t forget the importance of building up a pension for yourself. I was a SAHM for eight years before going back to work. Years later down the line my workplace pension is a fraction of my DH’s. And if an SAHM is in a marriage breakdown she is very vulnerable without a job. Also working mothers are a good role models for young girls, especially in these times of increasing misogyny that we are seeing with so called ‘Incels’.

1. 48% of couples divorcing had at least one child aged under 16 living with the family, based on the UK divorce rate

Pardon me, 48% not 50%

www.astlepaterson.co.uk/13-facts-about-divorce-uk-divorce-rate/

Well, science disagrees.

🤣🤯

Well that's not the same as 50% of marriages ending in divorce is it. That's saying of those 50% (which is also wrong by the way...), 48% have a child.

I do think both parents working full time with babies and toddlers isn't great....they should be spending the majority of time with their primary caregiver/s at that age.

I've been a SAHM with my first for 2.5/3yrs and have worked part time with my 2nd. We don't have a high income by any means and at times it has been quite tight.We have to top up with UC, but it's right that spending that time with them before they go to school is so important and invaluable, so I don't feel guilty for claiming it, just very lucky that i can!

Also, childcare costs would cancel out any financial benefit for me working full time anyway right now, but I will do once they are both in school.

I think both parents working full time with school age kids is fair enough, but still not horrendously long hours ie; so that the kids barely get any time with their parents, which obviously does happen when you hear of them being basically brought up by their nanny etc...that is really sad :(

Point is that a large amount of marriages do end in divorce so you can’t just say most couples with young kids stay together as a blanket statement

But I literally can? Works out at about 20% having an under 16. Much much less for a very young child who would be in childcare a lot if both parents are working. So nowhere near your 50% number.

Very true, I get judged all the time for being a SAHM. In fact some other mums have made me feel so so awful, I don’t understand it because I would never want them to feel awful for working.

You have to do what works for you and your family, financially and mentally. That’s all that matters.