To think my SIL is over the top for this?

[killingpeeve]

In short, my nephew has been found, alongside a few other boys, to be calling a girl 'butchy' butch. This is their nickname for her and they found it hilarious to call her this. SIL was called into the school by head of year. The boys got nothing but a slap on the wrist, in reality. We suspect because they're all Set 1 (top set) and still in process of doing their mocks.

SIL says this is not enough. And she is punishing my nephew by saying he isn't coming on the family holiday - Which is also the wedding of my sister.

BIL is backing her.

AIBU to think this is too much? By all means yes, the school have been to soft here as a consequence. But, surely this is too much?

It means missing his aunt getting married. She is really upset and cried on the phone to me about this.

Knowing SIL, she is very likely to follow through.

It would mean him staying with his nan. And she would continue onto the holiday as planned with BIL

High chance she will see this thread of course. But the family is really upset. It's a wedding.

Just to clarify SIL has been asked to say why this extreme reaction is happening

She says it's because there's no way in hell her son is contributing to a vulnerable young girl developing an eating disorder or other mental damage. She says she 'has to come down on him hard'

Your SIL is quite right. Never a place for bullying.

So not as to drip feed. Brother (my brother, her H), has suggested a hand written apology but she won't accept it and he's siding with her

BIL is backing her

Not BIL! He's my brother

Being banned from a family holiday/wedding has got absolutely nothing to do with the issue in hand, it's not a related consequence.

It will damage her relationship with him most likely permanently, and have no other effects than that.

Edited to add, I agree with the fact that the behaviour needs addressing, absolutely, but this is not the way to do it and will just cause bigger issues for SIL and BIL with their DS.

Your sil is amazing. Hope the nasty little shit learns his lesson.

@killingpeeve I agree with you. Remove phone, WiFi, for a time and talk to him about actions having consequences and being respectful to people. But excluding him from a massive family event will just likely make him upset and feel victimised and increase his bad behaviour.

Maybe she knows her son, and that a stronger approach is required to get through to him.

Yeah, this. And like a PP says, the consequence isn't related to not likely to have the desired impact anyway

Plus all the people it's going to upset.

He's not my son. But he is generally a really good kid, Brother and SIL often say they're lucky with him as they haven't found him a 'terrible teen' and he's 15 now

I don't think he's ever been in trouble like this, nowhere near

I think that if they go ahead with this, they will regret it time and again, for lots of reasons.

I’m torn. Your nephews been absolutely awful - he might have done untold damage to the girl, ruined her mocks…and a handwritten letter isn’t going to fix any of that!

He should be punished, and very severely but I’m not sure your sisters route is quite right because of the wedding and impact on whole family. If it was just a holiday I’d back her.

What does your nephew really value? Could you pitch taking that away as a punishment and frame it as it’s not fair to punish the whole family?

That said, if more people parented like her the country might be in a better place…

Bullying is never OK and that's what it was, however I think big punishments like this are ridiculous and ott but it is what it is and she might backtrack.

I admire her for coming down hard on this but I don't think it is the right punishment.

This is overly harsh, I’m simply not a fan of punishing children to cruel extremes, it is shit parenting , you also need to use your words, to talk, discuss, explain, not go scorched earth. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Exactly.

Plus, she paid half for the costs but my sister and her husband to be paid the rest.

So it's not only the event, but also money she's wasting really

I think the school has failed here. I don't think it's a good enough excuse not to punish him proportionately due to the fact he is sitting his mocks. If the girl in question is in the same year then surely she is also sitting her mocks and affected by this.

If it was just a family holiday with no wedding then I would think your sister in law is correct in what she is doing. It's a family wedding though so does not just affect him, your sister whose wedding it is is also affected. There will be other holidays but only her wedding day the once.

I doubt it, it would be full of bitter resentful folks who hated their parents.

Your SIL (&brother) are being ridiculous.

Yes, further sanctions as the school have been so wet. But exclusions from a family event are not the way to go!!

He's a teenager, most of them are gobshites when with their mates. I have the misfortune of living next door to a 'corner shop'. You should hear some of the stuff I do. It's FAR worse than that - boys & girls.

she needs to talk to him about why what he was joining in with was SO awful and make him mow the lawn every Saturday or no gaming - whatever. Not ban him from a family event, it'll just make him resent them.(if he wants to go? He might be thrilled!!)

Wow this is such a leap.in response. He absolutely needs reprimanded but this is the wrong direction. The response should be asking the school to take harder repercussions so everyone knows it won't be tolerated, then grounded and no phone etc. But a family wedding abroad has wider implications for the family. He's only going to focus also on how he's been wronged in not going to the wedding than what he actually did

I don’t think minimising what he did is the correct response here, though I agree the school has been negligent.

OP, I would assume that his parents know him best and have chosen this punishment for a reason.

All that said, if they were using butch as a homophobic slur, then that changes things.

"Generally good kids" don't do stuff like this.

so is she staying behind with him?

Why is bullying a lesbian girl worse than bullying a heterosexual one?

what he’s said is awful regardless of her sexuality