To think my SIL is over the top for this?

[killingpeeve]

In short, my nephew has been found, alongside a few other boys, to be calling a girl 'butchy' butch. This is their nickname for her and they found it hilarious to call her this. SIL was called into the school by head of year. The boys got nothing but a slap on the wrist, in reality. We suspect because they're all Set 1 (top set) and still in process of doing their mocks.

SIL says this is not enough. And she is punishing my nephew by saying he isn't coming on the family holiday - Which is also the wedding of my sister.

BIL is backing her.

AIBU to think this is too much? By all means yes, the school have been to soft here as a consequence. But, surely this is too much?

It means missing his aunt getting married. She is really upset and cried on the phone to me about this.

Knowing SIL, she is very likely to follow through.

It would mean him staying with his nan. And she would continue onto the holiday as planned with BIL

High chance she will see this thread of course. But the family is really upset. It's a wedding.

Apparently, it's because the girl is really muscly and thick set. In secret, a lot of them fancy her. And he's shown me pictures of her profile before when staying here, so I know who it is

The picture was of her face with him asking 'she's nice, isn't she?'

Clearly they're all jealous/just fancy her and are being misogynistic twats who can't get what they want

But this punishment seems to wrong

No, like I say, he will probably stay with his nan

All kids can be little arse holes from time to time. There really isn’t a perfect child.

She is his mother the consequences are meant to teach a lesson. He now will think twice before being a dick and it's homophobic.

I have a sixteen year old son if he had done similar I would go to town on him. I am not raising bigot bullying pricks end of.

Fair play to her he hopefully learns a life lesson. I would be actually heartbroken to have raised child who did this. And honestly I would look on them differently

It seems mothers of boys can't win, teach respect but don't punish strongly .🤦‍♀️

How is removing phone, wifi a related consequence? Unless you’re arguing that it’s removing the means of communicating.

I think that it's a good life lesson to learn earlier on in life that making fun of someone for your own personal enjoyment is never acceptable. The school haven't consequenced effectively so it's great that your SIL has stepped in. However, a punishment yes needs to be retribution but it also needs to be restorative too. By not allowing him to go to a wedding and holiday, he will remember this for his entire life, and the label of bully might become firmly engrained in him. He will be completely humiliated because his entire family know the reason why and this too could be damaging.

Instead I would take the approach of removing items from his possession like a phone, tablet, computer etc. and to make it relevant he has to earn those items back by doing good deeds that are meaningful, maybe about being kind to his peers/ women. By the end he will not internalise the label of bully, he will demonstrate kindness.

My stepson did something a lot worse than this we removed everything from his room except books and paper. It took him six months to regain his stuff back (it was a serious issue ) but he also learnt his lesson. He's not done anything like that since.

@MereDintofPandiculation because it's a misuse of communication and for now, he cannot be trusted and doesn't get the privilege to abuse that power of having contact with people in such a way?

There should be a serious consequence. I’m not sure a letter is enough but the wedding is a bit much. I’m not sure what the happy medium is. No phone whilst on holiday would be pretty bad for a teen…

Does he actually want to go to the wedding? Do they want him to go or is it a chance for them to have some childfree time? Will the nan be on side with it being a punishment or just indulge him and let him go out with his mates? I think a more appropriate punishment might be something like a 2000 word, researched essay on the impact of bullying. Perhaps done during the time that he would otherwise be doing a hobby.

I would let it go , he is their son to punish it just seems they could have done something else to hit the message home. All he will think he was hard done by and not really learn anything.

It carries addition of a hate crime. Do you really not see that?

I am sorry but I am with your SIL

A family holiday is a treat, wedding or not, and what he did was awful.

I thought you were going to say he was 5 but 15, come on now he is a little shit that knew exactly what he was doing

Hopefully he now realises that actions have consequences and he will grow up

I agree that a slap on the wrists isn't enough.

But being kept away from a wedding is too much and punishing others too.

I would stay out of it, it's none of your business how your brother and his wife choose to punish their child. What he did was nasty and unpleasant and I don't blame his parents for coming down on him hard. It's not the punishment you would have chosen (nor would I as it happens) but so what? This is what they have chosen to do and you just have to accept that.

When a woman is killed every 3 days by a man in the uk I would consider that a hate crime too 🤷‍♀️

The punishment has no bearing on what he did.

He could write a letter of apology to the girl, take it her and apologise to both her and her parents.

He could donate his spends to a mental health charity

He could volunteer at a mental health charity shop

Parents need to look in to whether they were insinuating she was a lesbian and if they were he can donate to a lesbian charity and look at his potential homophobic remarks. He does not want to be labelled homophobic at such an early age - this might knock some sense in to him.

There are so many proactive ‘restorative justice’ things he could do rather than a knee jerk -‘ your not coming on holiday’

He is a kid at the end of the day - and they can be little arseholes. It’s how you deal with it and hopefully they learn something from it.

What he will take away from this most likely is that women/females/mothers are horrible.

At least he should learn his lesson. Well done SIL👏🏼

Honestly, I think this is the wrong punishment for the crime. I'd be livid if it was my boy and also sad. A properly written letter of apology to the girl and removal of elactronics for the rest of his life, yes.

Your SIL is correct to be appalled but banning him from a family wedding and upsetting the wider family is wrong.

She needs telling of this firmly and kindly, that she has really upset the family with her choice of punishment.

He is a pup and nice teens do not do this.
So he needs consequences that impact his teen life. The phone, wifi off etc., no out late with friends, will have a far greater affect.

My daughters friend got drunk and her parents took her phone for a month. My daughter described it as "inhumane"😁
THAT is a punishment, not causing family upset at a family weeding.

Butch sounds like a slur so I would be very, very upset about it.
Your SIL sounds decent, so have a chat with her.

It's up to your SIL and brother to decide how to discipline their son. Your Sister will still be getting married whether he's there or not.

The family is free to think the punishment is heavy handed but, providing the punishment is not abusive, they should stay out of it and not undermine the parents.

Naaas too far.
She is right and I admire her commitment to teaching him a lesson but the punishment needs to fit the crime

Like you said he's generally a good lad so this seems way too much.

Maybe she just wants a holiday without him to be honest

Hand written note seems an appointment response and to be warned if he does this or similar again he can kiss goodbye to something he loves or enjoys

Well ....I think you should see that's it's not your business. I'd have taken the one thing that he was really looking forward to/really wanted and made him write a letter and volunteer/donate to with domestic violence charity. If the thing he was most looking forward to was the family holiday that's what would have gone.

Can't imagine he'd be that bothered about missing his auntie's wedding? Not many teenagers would care about that so I can't see that being much of a consequence.

Maybe he’s generally been a good kid up to now BECAUSE your SIL’s boundaries have been so firm.

I’m with her

OP, this is none of your business. Your SIL is privy to things you are not.

You seem to have very little sympathy for this bullied girl and seem to be trying to justify it.

Mind your own business and learn to support women and girls.