To think my SIL is over the top for this?

[killingpeeve]

In short, my nephew has been found, alongside a few other boys, to be calling a girl 'butchy' butch. This is their nickname for her and they found it hilarious to call her this. SIL was called into the school by head of year. The boys got nothing but a slap on the wrist, in reality. We suspect because they're all Set 1 (top set) and still in process of doing their mocks.

SIL says this is not enough. And she is punishing my nephew by saying he isn't coming on the family holiday - Which is also the wedding of my sister.

BIL is backing her.

AIBU to think this is too much? By all means yes, the school have been to soft here as a consequence. But, surely this is too much?

It means missing his aunt getting married. She is really upset and cried on the phone to me about this.

Knowing SIL, she is very likely to follow through.

It would mean him staying with his nan. And she would continue onto the holiday as planned with BIL

High chance she will see this thread of course. But the family is really upset. It's a wedding.

I’d be more gutted about the way my nephew/niece acted. Weddings are important for the bride and groom but there’s no onus on SIL to have her son attend if she doesn’t want him to.

Therapist? Over been called butch? 🫣 Totally 100% think what the boys done was wrong, school (as with most of them) are beyond useless at making sure the kids are punished enough to make sure it never happens again but preventing him from going to his aunties wedding abroad and been the only one missing out of the family and photos to look back on in future will have FAR more mental impact on that boys mental health than the girl who was called butch!! If I were in that boys position and I’d to look back on photos from a family wedding abroad I was prevented from going on because I called someone a name at school I’d still be MASSIVELY resentful towards my mother to this day. If she follows through with this I can tell you now this will damage their relationship. He’ll always think back to this family wedding for the rest of his life, he won’t think of it as a lesson learned been punished for calling someone names he’ll just feel deep anger towards his mother for this for the rest of his life.
Also that been said, an old friend of one of my mates at the time her parents used to be strict like that and OTT with punishments, her sister done something one time and they stopped her going to their grandparents anniversary party were a photographer was arranged for get family photos, she was the only one missing from the photo out of all the grandkids with the grandparents, the grandparents were heartbroken and begged their son to allow their granddaughter to come but they stood their ground and refused. About 8 months afterwards the girl was killed in a car accident…….guess who felt regret for life then after that, especially every time they saw that photo hanging on the wall in the grandparents house!
Theres better fitted punishments than banning him from attending a family wedding abroad!

You can be upset and disappointed and then move on from it and include him at a family event, leaving him out is cruel

Your nephew needs to learn a huge lesson. The "He is generally a good boy" doesn't cut it. Good kids don't bully others. It looks like some of his family also need to learn a lesson.
Let your SIL parent her son.

And to everyone who "normalise" this behaviour please stop. It is not. It is harmful and must be addressed strongly.

I agree.
My friend was called all sorts of names by guys in her class.
She is now in her 30's and struggles with eating disorder, anxiety, depression, can't build a relationship with anyone, socially anxious.

Been medicated on energy milkshakes due to severe anorexia.

It really is awful what got said and ruins ones life forever.

Your sister is a great mum. If only all mums understood the effect it has on the girls bullied.

At least she hasn't commited suicide or self -harmed because of it.

Maybe he just hasn’t been caught before and is actually more of a bullying little shit than you all realise. Maybe his reaction to the schools lame ass approach has given her cause to think there is or has been more to it or that his attitude sucks. At least her consequence won’t be forgotten by the beginning of the next term.

All these adults saying how wrong name calling is whilst calling a 15 year old all sorts of names

There’s nothing wrong with calling him a misogynistic little shit, it’s an anonymous forum.

But this girl they bulled is not anonymous, she has to look at their putrid faces every day.

This has nothing to do with you! Not only are you sharing a story that is instantly recognisable to your sister and BIL (I'm assuming they have facebook or their friends or family do) but you feel the need to stick your nose in. Its their decision.

Your sil is correct ..young girls are constantly bombarded by how they should look, dress, act etc and words are as dangerous a weapon as a knife or gun ….as long as she (sil ) explains exactly to her son why she is doing this, why name calling, body shaming, verbal harassment is bullying not banter, that it can lead a vulnerable person down a dark path mentally, leading to self harm, disordered eating, suicidal ideation, I’m also completely disgusted by the school prioritising the boys over the girl which sends a message that girls don’t matter and giving the boys the belief they can do say whatever and get away with it. Let him stay home, let him see actions have consequences

My sister was called names in school by a group of boys, she was stunning looking kind funny smart but a bit curvy …she stopped eating carbs …then meat dairy…then tea coffee just water ….she weighed 5 stone when she was admitted to hospital she cut herself to lose blood so yay less weight (her words)…she lost years of her life in therapy, hospital beds ..inpatient eating disorder units …secure units when she tried to end her life ..we have many photos of family events including my wedding where she was missing due to hospitalisation, watching her nearly destroyed my family so yes words are weapons and yes words can lead to years of therapy…..as long as it is explained to this boy exactly why this is happening, why what he’d did was so wrong as long as his parents are there for him explaining and discussing with him he will understand

A similar thing happened at my son's school and the girl's boyfriend ended up bringing it to the attention of the school in defence of his girlfriend. My son was initially annoyed with the boyfriend for getting some of my son's friends in trouble, but it's this sort of behaviour that needs to be dealt with in no uncertain terms at the outset. Otherwise boundaries are not set and next time it's not just name calling, it's unwanted physical contact as well. And then the next time, something worse. I admire your SIL and think you and your family should stay out of it. I imagine this is all pretty hard for her as it is.