To think my SIL is over the top for this?

[killingpeeve]

In short, my nephew has been found, alongside a few other boys, to be calling a girl 'butchy' butch. This is their nickname for her and they found it hilarious to call her this. SIL was called into the school by head of year. The boys got nothing but a slap on the wrist, in reality. We suspect because they're all Set 1 (top set) and still in process of doing their mocks.

SIL says this is not enough. And she is punishing my nephew by saying he isn't coming on the family holiday - Which is also the wedding of my sister.

BIL is backing her.

AIBU to think this is too much? By all means yes, the school have been to soft here as a consequence. But, surely this is too much?

It means missing his aunt getting married. She is really upset and cried on the phone to me about this.

Knowing SIL, she is very likely to follow through.

It would mean him staying with his nan. And she would continue onto the holiday as planned with BIL

High chance she will see this thread of course. But the family is really upset. It's a wedding.

It sounds like it's about her projecting, less about raising her son.

I agree with most of the above, completely the wrong punishment.

Play stupid games,get really shit prizes.

To be honest, I actually admire her for this. Finally, a parent who is teaching her child being a nasty bully has consequences. There was a recent photo of my son shared in snap chat, saying he was a rapist (he's 12). The other parent was "opps, sorry." My dc could have had really horrible consequences after this. I also got called giant haystacks and cubby chucker and the fat boys by ex twat of a partner. Not nice.

Yes, this.
She’s projecting.
However her very laudable views don’t stretch to having any empathy for the bride and groom.

The phrase "vulnerable young girl" implies a back story. I think there's more to what the boys were doing than SIL has shared with OP. Rightly so, seeing as she's such an apologist for them.

A whole group of boys name-calling this girl is disgusting. Guaranteed she will remember it for the rest of her life. She’ll probably be talking about it to her therapist in ten years time.

I don’t think the punishment is too harsh. Your sister will survive getting married without her teen nephew there.

We are generally quite gentle parents, not strict about schoolwork, tidying etc. But kindness to others is the ONE thing we come down hard on.

Your sister is trying to shape her son into someone who is kind and considerate. There’s not really anything more important than that. It doesn’t matter a jot if he’s in top set, a good teen etc. That’s a load of crap. I’d rather a teen that was middle set and went to house parties, if they were kind to a fault. Maybe your sister has the same outlook.

I have. Badly. Bullied by boys AND girls (mixed school). I ran away because of it.

I still believe it's completely the wrong punishment.

I agree.
However she’s punishing the bride and groom too.

Don't worry about those boys bullying you and making your life hell, darling daughter, they're only doing it because they fancy you! Isn't that great! You're such a lucky girl that they're interested!'

Not sure why you have that idea. I have said more than once it's misogyny and needs coming down hard on both at school and home.

That response about the girls success and looks was in response to a poster asking if she was in fact a butch lesbian (not my words), because she herself is one and never found that offensive

There are other ways she could punish him by taking his phone for a week for example or time away from game console. But it seems she wants a holiday away just her and husband (unless they have other kids) and using this as an excuse. Also it's a bit unfair on your sister to not have her nephew there at her wedding.

You might not mind, as an adult, and I know it isn’t an insult in queer circles, but this is a fit, sporty teenage girl very obviously being insulted by jealous boys.

A teenage boy might conceivably miss their Aunts wedding for D of E, a sports tournament or a festival or something. Or exams. I don’t think it’s as big a deal as people are making out.

You're still being an apologist for your bully nephew though. That because the girl is attractive, the name-calling doesn't count and won't hurt her. Yet your SIL mentioned her being vulnerable, suggesting there is a back story you aren't privy to.

I agree with most posters that he needs proper sanctions but missing a family wedding isn't it.
When my son was about 9 he and some friends bullied a poor boy who had a shocking home life. We were called into school as soon as it happened and school took break time away from them for two weeks, I also grounded him for the same period (no such thing as gaming or phones in those days). One of his friends actually said to me "me and my mum think it's a harsh punishment". well I don't think it's harsh enough because what you've all done is awful.
My son never did it again he was mortified at what he'd done and hadn't realised the consequences to the boy on the receiving end of this shit.
Sorry bit of a rant but I sometimes wonder what happened to the boy as he left the school and no one saw him again.

She's not over the top to be concerned about his attitude to girls at school. The punishment doesn't fit with what has happened.

That’s awful, people are vile.

I think she's right to punish him severely, but perhaps given the rest of the family dynamics it's the wrong one. Perhaps add in an extra long weekend this summer and take his siblings (if any) and not him, or work out a mechanism for him to earn it back over several weeks, including a direct apology to the girl. But if all parents were on top of things like this and gave a f* the world would be a better place for it.

She's giving context

He's 15 not 5, the punishment doesn't have to be related to what he did. It's up to your SIL and brother, they know their son best, I think the rest of the family should keep out of it.

I understand that, I'm referring to decades of experiences of me, my friends in different circles, people i speak to online etc, beginning in primary school.. I've never known it be an insult. I can see how it potentially could be, I've just never known of it.

Your SIL is fabulous.
Your nephew needs teaching a hard lesson.
Why are you just blaming your SIL when your brother agrees with the punishment?

She's making excuses

Yeah this is a good point. Rest of the family should stay out of it anyway. Interfering and annoying.

I actually am really impressed with her for being so firm!

That sort of "it's obvious they just fancy her and don't know what to do because they can't have her" is just a ridiculous thing to say, it's sounding like an excuse for his behaviour. So what if she's pretty and well built. What would the excuse be if she wasn't? "Oh they're just boys being boys"

A group of 15 year old boys spreading and assigning rude nicknames can be really hurtful, especially to a 15 year old girl having a group of boys calling her butch.

They're 15 not 4!! They can fully understand consequences not related to the immediate incident

Exactly. She's repeatedly said the girl is attractive and they must fancy her to minimise what they've been doing.