To think my SIL is over the top for this?

[killingpeeve]

In short, my nephew has been found, alongside a few other boys, to be calling a girl 'butchy' butch. This is their nickname for her and they found it hilarious to call her this. SIL was called into the school by head of year. The boys got nothing but a slap on the wrist, in reality. We suspect because they're all Set 1 (top set) and still in process of doing their mocks.

SIL says this is not enough. And she is punishing my nephew by saying he isn't coming on the family holiday - Which is also the wedding of my sister.

BIL is backing her.

AIBU to think this is too much? By all means yes, the school have been to soft here as a consequence. But, surely this is too much?

It means missing his aunt getting married. She is really upset and cried on the phone to me about this.

Knowing SIL, she is very likely to follow through.

It would mean him staying with his nan. And she would continue onto the holiday as planned with BIL

High chance she will see this thread of course. But the family is really upset. It's a wedding.

I also think it’s a bit weird that the bride and groom are so upset about a nephew not attending the wedding.

Why? They are close

Except it's not 'just a holiday' is it?

So he’s singled out and ostracised.
isn’t that exactly what he did to this girl?
seems like a perfect punishment

A punishment for one person shouldn't cause deep hurt for another.

SIL is punishing your sister for her son's misdeed. That makes no sense. Had anyone pointed that out to her and your brother @killingpeeve ?

I think this is a decision that belongs with your brother and SIL - OP herself called him a “misogynistic twat” - if more parents took control when this type of behaviour started the world would be a better place - it is irrelevant if the OP/PP are in disagreement. OP I think you are probably making things worse - there is a chance the parents could relent and set a different punishment but pushing them to do this could just make them more entrenched.

But does he care he's missing the wedding? Has the bride asked him, seeing as they are so close?

It’s none of your business.

Your SIL and her DH sound brilliant. They were bullying her for her looks and weight. People have taken their own lives for less. Stop minimising it and butt out.

I agree a punishment should be something that punishes the person who did it not a whole load of others who are now upset and have missed out financially

also the longer term impact of always knowing you missed a family wedding could be huge

i agree it needs something but not this

There should certainly be some punishment but not what SIL has suggested which affects a lot more people than the lad himself.

Yanbu. I think it's ott.

I have three sons and would absolutely come down hard on any sniff of bullying or misogyny from them. But I wouldn't ban them from the family holiday, much less if that holiday included a family wedding.

I fully expected this thread to be full of 'good for your SIL' type posts but in reality I don't think the vast majority of people would punish a child in this way.

Personally I think your SIL and DB are tapped and setting themselves up for a NC child in future.

They just want a childfree holiday and here is their perfect excuse. As if this is solely because of the name calling, if it is she is a bit twisted.

You’re subscribing to the tired old trope of ‘boys only tease girls they fancy’, as if it’s harmless.

I was the girl teased by the boys at my school for being pretty (they talked about how I was the only girl they’d shag, how they loved me etc) as a teen girl it didn’t make it any better, it made me feel self-conscious and like it was my fault.

You sound utterly naive about these things OP.

Boys will be boys eh op? Must be her fault for being too attractive.

The school deemed this serious enough to call the parents in. Would I fuck be allowing my son to go off on holiday after bullying a girl in this way. This will stay with that girl for life. Give over with the “sister will be so upset” bullshit too. The gravity of what he has done outweighs some bloody wedding by miles.

I dont think a nephew not going to a wedding will have much effect on it. Have you got daughters?how would you feel if yours had been bullied like this and found one of the perpetrators has been rewarded with a nice holiday. I think your SIL is right he should be punished. I dont think you and your DS like your Sil in the first place. Sounds like there is history.

They really are the same thing. I really don't want to derail but I really think your thinking is skewed about this it doesn't matter why they did it they did it.

Well I guess the punishment has to be something that he'll miss otherwise it's not a punishment. Sounds like she's found something to hit him where it hurts and good for her.

My friend is a secondary school teacher and is always saying that parents don't believe that their little angels are capable of anything so it's refreshing to actually see a parent teaching consequences to their kids.

Agree. The consequence should bite hard on him. But only him. This affects your sister too. Your sister should not be punished for your nephew's offence. Also, any consequences that interfere with his connection with wider family is not going to help his social or emotional development. SIL needs to find another way.

He's having a holiday at his nan instead, how is that a punishment

The more OP says the more I agree with her sister

I admire your sister's attitude and protectiveness towards this girls mental health but I don't think banning him from the wedding is the right approach, it's a huge family event and your other sister is understanding upset at not having her nephew at her wedding. Plus if he's generally a good kid and this is out of character it's going to make him feel misunderstood by his parents and like he's punished severely for mishaps, getting carried away with his friends and lapses in judgement. He's a young teen, he may explore and experiment as he grows up and he should feel safe to come to his parents if he needs help, not that he's going to get punished and judged for 'not knowing better'

So is his Dad, Uncles and other male relatives talking to him about this? Has ge gone down the Andrew Tate etc wormhole? This needs full discussions, from men who he respects, not just punishments.

Read the thread about how women forever internalise what is said to them. However it's important to stay close to teen lads so you can be of influence. He's going to lose family connections because he's missed an Important family event.

This. It doesn't make it better that she is actually conventionaly attractive and the bullying isn't true. There is a recent thread about how words said to children become internalized - you should read it.

He needs to learn that the reaction to a girl not being interested in him romantically is to accept it and move on without treating her like shit.

I think you should support his parents. They know more about what's going on then you do.

So these boys probably fancy her so are insulting her appearance to bring her down? Disgusting. I'm with your SIL on this. If my son behaves like this when he's older I'll be on him like a tonne of bricks.

YABU - They have both agreed the punishment SIL and BIL and now would be unwise to backtrack on it. Maybe could have been a better punishment but its done. Can't see having the nephew there will make much difference and overreaction by bridezilla. No need for the whole family to be upset - why so much drama over weddings I never understand.