To think my SIL is over the top for this?

[killingpeeve]

In short, my nephew has been found, alongside a few other boys, to be calling a girl 'butchy' butch. This is their nickname for her and they found it hilarious to call her this. SIL was called into the school by head of year. The boys got nothing but a slap on the wrist, in reality. We suspect because they're all Set 1 (top set) and still in process of doing their mocks.

SIL says this is not enough. And she is punishing my nephew by saying he isn't coming on the family holiday - Which is also the wedding of my sister.

BIL is backing her.

AIBU to think this is too much? By all means yes, the school have been to soft here as a consequence. But, surely this is too much?

It means missing his aunt getting married. She is really upset and cried on the phone to me about this.

Knowing SIL, she is very likely to follow through.

It would mean him staying with his nan. And she would continue onto the holiday as planned with BIL

High chance she will see this thread of course. But the family is really upset. It's a wedding.

It does need dealing with more seriously than the school has done. However, holidays are relaxed times for relationship building and if she and her partner havestruggled to pass their values on to him so far, this is another good opportunity for lots of casual conversation in the matter.
I think this might be more successful than alienating the boy.

@Flopsythebunny no, I'm not making excuses. That reply was in response to a poster about what the girl might be like, and I explained what I knew about her from what I'd seen

It is not an excuse and doesn't excuse the behaviour.

Me too.

Exactly. She's repeatedly said the girl is attractive and they must fancy her to minimise what they've been doing.

I'm not minimising it ffs. I've said so many times it's misogyny and needs a harsh response

I haven't once suggested otherwise. But keeping him away from a family holiday and wedding, that's already been paid for, is wrong. It impacts the poor bride and groom who want him there, and all the family who want him there

He would be the only one not there and I don't think it's right that we look back at those pictures knowing he wasn't there

Straight girls can be the recipients of homophobic bullying.

But you keep harking back at how attractive she is and how unreachable she is and using it as an excuse for boys calling her names and mistreating her .

They'll have worse before they die.

@Mrsjayy those reasons that are most likely behind it don't excuse the behaviour of minimise it.

They aren't the same thing

YANBU, OP. He should have his phone taken away/no gaming until the wedding or whatever. This will have repercussions for ages, rather than be punished, learn lesson, move on.

Totally over the top and if she goes through with it she'll cause irreparable damage.

Has anyone even thought to wonder if the teen not going to a family wedding is even a punishment for him?

Most MN posters seem to think being invited to a wedding is the worst thing that can happen to mankind.

Is staying with lenient nan instead of going away with pissed off parents who will keep under a strict and firm hand, is that even a punishment?

The whole thing is not proportionate, and the completely wrong punishment frankly.

It sounds like noone really knows how to address the bullying issue. The punishment of not going to the wedding and holiday isnt going the boy to really realize what he had done and what consequences it might have on the girl. Its just his mother exercising her power and expressing her anger. Not sure what does this teach the child.

Ridiculous punishment!

He should be grounded and have his phone taken away, but also the best one was a poster up thread who mentioned he should have to write a 2000 word essay on the effects of bullying and mental health, he might actually learn something then!
Lots of talks with the adults in his life about being kind as well.
To punish the bride groom and rest of the family is pathetic especially as every time they look at the photos he will be missing, but also what will he be doing at his nans the whole time?? Maybe hanging out with the same boys who behaved so badly?

I’m team SIL - however, as others have said, is it really a punishment or actually a win for him? Many 15 year olds would be delighted not to have to go to a boring wedding. I don’t really understand why the bride or other family is upset either. His presence won’t make or break the day. What if her wedding had coincided with him being on a school trip or having an exam, would she have rearranged it to have him there? If I was the bride or another family member I’d say damn right the gobshite homophobe isn’t coming!

I think that this is an excellent idea - clearly aligned to the offence. To make it hit home even more, the essay should be handwritten.

OP, this isn't up to the rest of the family to undermine your SIL (and incidentally you have focused on her when her husband your brother is also supporting this, so why isn't he the focus of the family ire? Backstory with SIL?).

You all need to let it go, and your sister needs to stop being a bridezilla. This is passive aggressive bullying of your SIL.

I think his punishment should be more educational, so he can learn the impact on any person that is/has been bullied. I don’t know if the girl in question would be up for a meeting for him to apologise but maybe start there. Or tell him to research and write an essay about the impact of bullying. I think in the long term that would be more likely to get him to see the error of his ways.

The school should be having an assembly about being kind and not being homophobic. I know it's not generally liked on here, but a bit of humiliation for those boys in front of their year would probably go a long way. Make them feel like the girl felt.

She’s absolutely right, as if a 15yo boy cares about a wedding. The only thing he’ll be upset about missing is a holiday. And he doesn’t deserve it, the damage he and his friend could do to the girl they were bullying.

It’s none of your business. And stop blaming your SIL when your brother also agrees with the punishment for his son.

If not having a 15yo at a wedding blights it for the bride and groom, they are clearly bonkers. It’s not up to them if he attends, it’s up to the parents. The parents have decided no.

The wedding isn’t the treat for a 15yo lad, the holiday it. He is being prevented from taking part in a trip abroad because he was a bully.

It's all about what everyone else wants – does he even want to go?!

I think you SIL is awesome. I would keep out of it.

Ahh I admire your SIL, fantastic response from her.

Yes but that wasn’t the point the previous poster was making

Good on your SIL. No wonder kids are awful now days with all the harking on about irreparable damage will be done because he misses a holiday! LOL

He’s in fuck around and find out territory