To think my SIL is over the top for this?

[killingpeeve]

In short, my nephew has been found, alongside a few other boys, to be calling a girl 'butchy' butch. This is their nickname for her and they found it hilarious to call her this. SIL was called into the school by head of year. The boys got nothing but a slap on the wrist, in reality. We suspect because they're all Set 1 (top set) and still in process of doing their mocks.

SIL says this is not enough. And she is punishing my nephew by saying he isn't coming on the family holiday - Which is also the wedding of my sister.

BIL is backing her.

AIBU to think this is too much? By all means yes, the school have been to soft here as a consequence. But, surely this is too much?

It means missing his aunt getting married. She is really upset and cried on the phone to me about this.

Knowing SIL, she is very likely to follow through.

It would mean him staying with his nan. And she would continue onto the holiday as planned with BIL

High chance she will see this thread of course. But the family is really upset. It's a wedding.

Totally agree and I find it odd, all this fuss that nephew can't go but no mention of why nan (brides mum) not going, no one seems bothered by that. Wasn't she invited? Didn't she want to go? Can she not travel or afford to go ( why book a wedding your mum can't get to) they feel punished because a 15 year old can't go but don't care about mum, seems more about bitching about sil. At least nan/mum will have company while the rest of the family are having this huge family get together without her!

I think your SIL knows her son a hell of lot better than you and it's great your brother is backing her.

I think you should butt the fuck out!

He's not your son. Let them parent their kid how they think best. What he did was terrible. That poor girly may remember they for the rest of her life!

What do you want from this thread? So you can gloat and show your brother?

Yes I understand, just wanted to make it clear that girls can be bullies and boys can be supportive. I nearly cried one day when I went into school raging after yet another vile incident, as I spoke to teacher every boy in that class moved their chairs away from the girls, it was like an "I'm Spartacus" moment as one moved and it rippled round the room. She was 11 and these girls made her suicidal and as a Christian I am ashamed to say I will never forgive them but I will always think fondly of those little boys.

I assumed it was his other nan he'd be staying with. Is it the bride's mum?

Simply, actions have consequences.
His parents have made the decision that he won’t be going to a family wedding/holiday. Doesn’t matter about anyone else’s feelings or what they deem as proportionate. Undermining a parent or disagreeing with the way they choose to raise their child is a guaranteed way to ruin relationships. Accept their decision and move on.

@Iwasafool my brain must be on satellite link today! 😂of course it must be the other nan, the op doesnt say but that must be it. I was thinking poor mum!

Is a 15 year old lad really going to be bothered about missing his aunts wedding? Is your sister?

I think he sounds like a nasty little shit and missing a holiday is appropriate. I dont think they'll regret it like others have said, I regret not being harsher with my daughter.

Just wow.

I don’t know any 15 year old who would be happy to miss a holiday and have to stay home with his gran, and then to hurl abuse at him. Puts you on the same level as him. Pot meet kettle.

Calling someone butch doesn't mean there fat 🤣 so will not encourage an eating disorder.

Butch means manly.
Like a butch lesbian.

She's ripping it with not allowing him to go to the wedding.... its not a family holiday it's a destination wedding.

Good on her, what a vile thing for him to say.

It way too far a punishment, he’s made a mistake and will be embarrassed and learned a lesson, to exclude him from the whole family is awful

Missing a family holiday for that? A massive overreaction in my opinion.

Wonder what punishment he'd get for something serious? 🙁

I am not able to agree or disagree with the punishment as I don't know the child involved, but it seems to me you and your family should be backing your SIL to the hilt, whatever your feelings. You are putting your own concerns and wishes over him learning a hard lesson, his behaviour was appalling. In addition, once a punishment is issued it is fatal not to follow through, the future consequences would be disastrous. Back your SIL and keep your views to yourself.

Butch means manly/lesbian not fat 🤷🏻‍♀️

So your SIL argument falls flat.

I think your SIL is doing a great job and I don't think it's your place to question her parenting

My niece was verbally bullied by a group of boys at school when she was 13, she withdrew completely, refused to go to school and started self harming. The school and the boys parents did nothing. Fortunately with great counselling and sympathetic parenting she came out the other side and is now doing well, but the outcome could have been much worse.
Words have consequences and your SIL is making sure her son learns that lesson.
Good on her.

Butch is only ever used as a homophobic slur!

Your nephew is lucky that the girl and her parents went to the school and not the police.
Butch is classed as a homophobic slur - and as such is taken seriously by the police your nephew is very lucky he doesn't have a police record, and the school probably said as much.
Would you still have thought his parents were being too hard on him if the police had have been involved?

I hope your niece is okay, I went through similar at school and at 43 I'm still affected by it :(

Does she secretly want to holiday alone with dh and this is an excuse?

You had me going, I was going through the OPs posts and trying to figure out what I was missing so my brain was probably having a break.

I have a 15 year old and if he had done this I don’t think I’d be as extreme and not allow him on our upcoming family holiday. I’d insist he write her an apology letter and be made to take part in some school related activity as set either by mum or the school. I’d definitely be taking his phone too just for good measure.

I think SIL is right. It’s her child anyway so butt out.

Why are the family so anguished about a 15 year old nephew missing a wedding? 🤦🏼‍♀️ if he’d not been a bully he’d be there, be mad at him and not SIL!

i still fail to see how your sister in law punishing her child, has any bearing on you - this isn't your business, at all. Ive been on the side of this girl, and ive met nephews like yours - absolute shits. They damage people - the ramifications of which i am still feeling till this day. A fiends niece is going though this, she has attempted to take her life twice, because of people like your top-set nephew. So, no i dont think shes being OTT.

The school should have done much more to discipline the boys. If I were your SIL I would have insisted upon it.
The absence from the wedding is a step too far imo, but he does need to know there are severe consequences. I would be exploring other options.

Em because he’s a well loved family member! I’d be gutted if my niece was excluded