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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being upset that my autistic child is being excluded on purpose.

274 replies

lucyloooooo · 27/06/2024 05:29

For background, I have two children from a previous relationship that was abusive. I left 4 years ago. The children are currently 6 & 5. This post is regarding my 5 year old son.

My partner of 2 years and I have a son together (1). All 3 kids live with me, as well as partner. We are engaged.

My partner is going away this weekend with his family (mum, 2 brothers, brothers 2 children, brothers wife) and taking the son we share. He has not invited me or my other two children.

I have asked him if we can attend, and told him how I feel being excluded, especially as this is our sons first trip away, and was met with ignorance, hostility, anger. He has said he doesn't want us to come due to my 5 year old being autistic. Apparently, it wouldn't be right, it's not fair to anyone else that wants a chilled weekend away, it's not his trip to go inviting whomever, and he is not their dad.

I'll admit there have been a few times we have taken out 6yo by himself to certain things, such as the arcades ( a small outing, couple of hours at most) but it's because he very rarely gets the chance to just be himself and do what he wants without worrying about what 5yo SEN son is doing/going to do/how he will react. This fact is currently being used against me by partner, explaining that we have excluded him before, so why not now?

I am not ignorant to the fact that my SEN child is not easy. But he is getting better with age, communicating more than ever, gaining an understanding and just getting better at everything in general. He loves his iPad, going to the beach and being with his brothers. I do not want to keep him locked up his entire life, just because he has ASD.

My two children went on holiday with their dad 2.5 years ago and I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be seeing their first holiday, but accepted that this is the life of separated parents.

I am so hurt that my partner would purposefully exclude us/ 5yo son because he has autism. I even suggested to him to at least take my 6yo as well, the most easygoing child you'll ever meet, and doesn't get to do much being that one of his siblings is autistic and the other a baby, so both require a lot of attention. But again refused as he said he doesn't want to, he said he doesn't want the responsibility of taking 2 children away 'alone' and has said his family have only asked for 1yo son.

He has said a lot in the past few days that have been pretty hurtful, but nothing cuts deeper than the different treatment for me and my sons, compared to the son we share and his family. Partner admitted he is happy to have my feelings at his disposal to please everyone else around him, including himself.

Please tell me, AIBU? Is he? Do I need to just get over it as he's said or is this something I seriously need to assess going forward? After all of this, I'm not sure I can continue but I am desperate for a second opinion. Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
LordEmsworth · 27/06/2024 05:33

I wouldn't be marrying him. It will only get worse. Get out while you can.

PurplePink45 · 27/06/2024 05:43

It looks to me like you got pregnant very early on into the relationship, before he could properly get to know what life is really like with two stepchildren, let alone one with SEND. He's now had a taste of what life's really like after the honeymoon period and doesn't like what he sees.

I think he's already checked out of your relationship. I wouldn't want to be with a partner who didn't embrace my children, warts and all. As pp said, it will only get worse. It's bad enough when extended family do this but, coming from a partner, I couldn't forgive it. It's not about SEND, it sounds to me like he will never view your older two in the way you want him to. That's why I couldn't be with him.

PBandJ111 · 27/06/2024 05:50

Wow. He’s told You what he thinks of your kids. Hope you’re not sticking with him.

Overthebow · 27/06/2024 05:56

Him and his family don’t want to include your DC. You weren’t together very long at all before you had DC together so he didn’t get the full picture. I can understand why he didn’t want to take your 6 year old by himself as he isn’t his dad.

olympicsrock · 27/06/2024 06:00

He doesn’t see you as a family. He has a girl friend with whom he shares a child. The girlfriend happens to have 2 kids who are not his responsibility.
He does not see him himself as their dad/ step dad . Nor do his family
You can’t change how he thinks but you can change how you think about the relationship and I wouldn’t want to progress things with a man who doesn’t want to take on your children.

HysteriaOfTheWanderingWomb · 27/06/2024 06:05

olympicsrock · 27/06/2024 06:00

He doesn’t see you as a family. He has a girl friend with whom he shares a child. The girlfriend happens to have 2 kids who are not his responsibility.
He does not see him himself as their dad/ step dad . Nor do his family
You can’t change how he thinks but you can change how you think about the relationship and I wouldn’t want to progress things with a man who doesn’t want to take on your children.

👌
Your children are inconvenient bolt-ons to his relationship with you ... I don't think this is sustainable, the resentment on both sides will grow.
Awful for your older two to grow up loving with someone who sees then as 'other people'.

pinkdelight · 27/06/2024 06:05

Well he's right that it's not really his place to invite extra people on the trip but beyond that what he's said about how he and his family see your DC means you can't seriously be marrying him. He's not a prospect as a step dad to your first two DC. It's done now but it really was too fast to have another DC with a new partner, you can't be so spontaneous with two DC in the mix to consider. This man would be in their home and their lives permanently and he doesn't care for them in the way he'd need to. It's all happened too fast and it's not even about the SEN, that's kind of a red herring as it's making you think that if 5yo were easier like 6yo this would all work out. It wouldn't. Your fiance doesn't want to parent them, doesn't love them enough and isn't going to be a good force in their lives. Stop focusing on who is getting a holiday and how jealous you are about taking them on one. There are much bigger issues here and in a way it's better that he's been so stark so now you know. You can't stay with him. Put all your DC first and make plans to separate, sorry.

Hateam · 27/06/2024 06:06

He's under no obligation to take you but I can understand why this is hurtful.

I don't feel that the situation will evolve into a coherent family unit.

The best you can hope for in the long run is thst he tolerates your son. Will that be enough?

Kitkatcatflap · 27/06/2024 06:06

He doesn't see you and your children as a family unit and he doesn't care that you know it. That must have been a cold realisation OP. You have a lot of thinking ahead.

mitogoshi · 27/06/2024 06:07

Unfortunately yet another example of getting together with the wrong man. It's rare to be able to truly blend families, he obviously doesn't want to.

notnowmarmaduke · 27/06/2024 06:09

olympicsrock · 27/06/2024 06:00

He doesn’t see you as a family. He has a girl friend with whom he shares a child. The girlfriend happens to have 2 kids who are not his responsibility.
He does not see him himself as their dad/ step dad . Nor do his family
You can’t change how he thinks but you can change how you think about the relationship and I wouldn’t want to progress things with a man who doesn’t want to take on your children.

This

Nibblepies · 27/06/2024 06:09

I don’t think anyone is wholly wrong here.

You are not unreasonable for feeling upset that your children are being treated differently, partly for SEN reasons but also for non-biological reasons. You left an abusive relationship and moved far too quickly with this relationship.

Your partner and his family are not wrong for wanting to see their biological grandchild and not take on the addd responsibility of childcare of additional children, especially a child with additional needs. Your DP has zero parental responsibility or rights towards your older two children. You might wish that he treats them the same, you might wish that his family treats them the same, but it’s very evident that that is not going to be the case. This is a regular issue on MN that is very divisive. If your DP has not fully embraced the role of step father then there should be zero expectations of his extended family.

It is up to you how you move forward. Do you end the relationship? Do you accept that your children have different fathers and facilitate their respective relationships with the kids, rather than trying to force a feeling that’s not there?

WASZPy · 27/06/2024 06:10

This reply has been deleted

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notnowmarmaduke · 27/06/2024 06:10

I think if you want to continue with this relationship, then separate homes is a must. He does not want to be with your son. That is his choice to make. His family doesn't either, and I can understand that.

pictoosh · 27/06/2024 06:11

This can be one of the tricky things about step families. Rightly or wrongly, your dp's family are not invested in your older children. It's really not up to him to invite them on his family's trip. He is right about that.

I understand how dejected you must feel about this...it is very disappointing that they haven't embraced your kids as family, particularly when support with your middle son would be so appreciated.

JLT24 · 27/06/2024 06:11

He doesn’t want your kids there and he’s blaming his family. Because if he did, he would tell his family it’s all of you or he’s not going. I’m sorry but I would be leaving this relationship because he’s made it clear how he feels about your kids and long term it’s just not going to work.

Hateam · 27/06/2024 06:14

This reply has been deleted

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The OP is clearly facing a difficult dilemma.
What is the point of posts like this? This place is awful sometimes.

pictoosh · 27/06/2024 06:16

JLT24 · 27/06/2024 06:11

He doesn’t want your kids there and he’s blaming his family. Because if he did, he would tell his family it’s all of you or he’s not going. I’m sorry but I would be leaving this relationship because he’s made it clear how he feels about your kids and long term it’s just not going to work.

I don't agree with this.
There are far too many variables within family dynamics to make such a sweeping statement. People only make ultimatums like that on TV.
Real families have all sorts of history, dynamics and understanding and tolerance between them to nurture. It's not an Eastenders stepfamily plot.

Andwegoroundagain · 27/06/2024 06:17

2 years is not a super long relationship and given your DC is 1, seems like you got pregnant quite quickly?
I say that because your DP may not have fully realised what he was signing up with you and with 2 step kids, one being SEN, when you got together.
It takes a while to build a relationship with kids and even longer to adjust to understanding how to deal with a SEN kid that's not yours. I don't think he's unreasonable in not taking your 6 Yr old away on his own, because he probably doesn't really know how to deal with the kid and doesn't feel like he can take responsibility. I do think it's a shame and unreasonable for him not to have invited you all and included you in the trip. That does seem concerning.
I'd use this weekend to re evaluate your relationship here, you've mentioned some other concerns too. I'd say that you've probably rushed into this and maybe he's not the right guy for you.

Original poster
lucyloooooo · 27/06/2024 06:19

Thank you all for your insights. Good and bad, I need to hear them to make an informed decision. I have spoken to my sister and friend to try and gain some perspective, and of course, they are defending me and think he is wrong and his family are defending him and believe I am wrong, which I understand will happen. This is why I posted here to receive unbiased advice. And I thank you all for taking the time to read and respond.

Having the baby was quick. We fell in love fast, which isn't always good. Maybe never.

I still don't know if I can continue with the relationship, which makes me sad for me, my children, the child we share. I just want my children to be happy, but I'm not so sure that will happen in this environment.

OP posts:
JLT24 · 27/06/2024 06:22

pictoosh · 27/06/2024 06:16

I don't agree with this.
There are far too many variables within family dynamics to make such a sweeping statement. People only make ultimatums like that on TV.
Real families have all sorts of history, dynamics and understanding and tolerance between them to nurture. It's not an Eastenders stepfamily plot.

Show quote history

It’s what I would do, which is what the op asked for opinions on. I couldn’t forgive my partner for going on holiday on his own with our DC and leaving me and my other DC at home. Sorry but he is supposed to be prioritising this new family set up now and this is a perfect example of how he is failing to do that. It’s a major red flag for me. His family don’t have to accept that but he doesn’t have to go along with them either.

autienotnaughty · 27/06/2024 06:25

He doesn't see your children as family. He doesn't see you the mother of his child as family.

He is not supportive of your son with additional needs.

He treats his child differently and excludes your children.

He doesn't care that you are upset and hurt.

Potentially his family don't want you and your children there (although you only have his word on that)

If you stay in this relationship the risk is your two older children will grow up feeling not good enough . Not as important as their younger dc in their own home.

pictoosh · 27/06/2024 06:27

JLT24 · 27/06/2024 06:22

It’s what I would do, which is what the op asked for opinions on. I couldn’t forgive my partner for going on holiday on his own with our DC and leaving me and my other DC at home. Sorry but he is supposed to be prioritising this new family set up now and this is a perfect example of how he is failing to do that. It’s a major red flag for me. His family don’t have to accept that but he doesn’t have to go along with them either.

Edited
Show quote history

Hmm...that would be quite dominant and controlling to my mind.

Witsend101 · 27/06/2024 06:29

He sounds awful. Please don't subject yourself or your children to living with a man who clearly doesn't have any concern for your feelings and doesn't seem to like your older children. You all deserve better.

Ereyraa · 27/06/2024 06:30

The headline is a bit misleading, it’s not really due to ASD, he doesn’t see any of your DC as his.

Too much, too quickly. He won’t change now.

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