AIBU for being upset that my autistic child is being excluded on purpose.

[lucyloooooo]

For background, I have two children from a previous relationship that was abusive. I left 4 years ago. The children are currently 6 & 5. This post is regarding my 5 year old son.

My partner of 2 years and I have a son together (1). All 3 kids live with me, as well as partner. We are engaged.

My partner is going away this weekend with his family (mum, 2 brothers, brothers 2 children, brothers wife) and taking the son we share. He has not invited me or my other two children.

I have asked him if we can attend, and told him how I feel being excluded, especially as this is our sons first trip away, and was met with ignorance, hostility, anger. He has said he doesn't want us to come due to my 5 year old being autistic. Apparently, it wouldn't be right, it's not fair to anyone else that wants a chilled weekend away, it's not his trip to go inviting whomever, and he is not their dad.

I'll admit there have been a few times we have taken out 6yo by himself to certain things, such as the arcades ( a small outing, couple of hours at most) but it's because he very rarely gets the chance to just be himself and do what he wants without worrying about what 5yo SEN son is doing/going to do/how he will react. This fact is currently being used against me by partner, explaining that we have excluded him before, so why not now?

I am not ignorant to the fact that my SEN child is not easy. But he is getting better with age, communicating more than ever, gaining an understanding and just getting better at everything in general. He loves his iPad, going to the beach and being with his brothers. I do not want to keep him locked up his entire life, just because he has ASD.

My two children went on holiday with their dad 2.5 years ago and I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be seeing their first holiday, but accepted that this is the life of separated parents.

I am so hurt that my partner would purposefully exclude us/ 5yo son because he has autism. I even suggested to him to at least take my 6yo as well, the most easygoing child you'll ever meet, and doesn't get to do much being that one of his siblings is autistic and the other a baby, so both require a lot of attention. But again refused as he said he doesn't want to, he said he doesn't want the responsibility of taking 2 children away 'alone' and has said his family have only asked for 1yo son.

He has said a lot in the past few days that have been pretty hurtful, but nothing cuts deeper than the different treatment for me and my sons, compared to the son we share and his family. Partner admitted he is happy to have my feelings at his disposal to please everyone else around him, including himself.

Please tell me, AIBU? Is he? Do I need to just get over it as he's said or is this something I seriously need to assess going forward? After all of this, I'm not sure I can continue but I am desperate for a second opinion. Thank you ❤️

(Sorry , clicked too soon)

And his brother using your (YOUR) house as a presumably free Air B&B every week - were you consulted?

He chose to move in on a fragile woman with two children, one with a disability, and not being as careful with contraception as he might have been.

The fact he's now calling you deranged ... Is this something you'll be liking your children hearing? Or something you want to remember on your wedding day?

It reads like regret for the way his life has turned out. And I think it would be wise to prepare for another challenging co-parenting situation quite soon.

”I am lost and that’s what I need help with right now.”

To be fair a lot of posters have put up huge markers to show the way, lit beacons to light the way, and put illuminated stepping stones down to make sure you don’t accidentally stray from the path. If you are lost it is because you still want to go down the This Way To Fairyland Path that you already know is going to lead you and your children to a dark place.

Ever?

OP, are you able to communicate with your DP calmly and productively?

Even if he has reasonable concerns about your views or behaviour, these concerns need to be addressed to you calmly and respectfully, which includes listening to you and not calling you names or using other derogatory language (like deranged).

If he has any sort of insight or maturity, he would apologise for speaking to you in this way, provide some insight into what caused him to lash out, and - if he thinks there is still a problem - try to articulate his thoughts without things becoming so emotionally charged. And similarly allow you to do the same.

This is a really important life skill, and if he doesn't have it – or the two of you can't get it with one another – I'm afraid it bodes very badly.

FWIW, I don't think you sound deranged or unreasonable.

@AnotherCrazyCatLady 👌👌

I wonder if a lot of the problem here is you both have your own expectations and views about your family set up but you’re dealing with things as they happen, as given the timings I doubt you’ll have been able to have these conversations re expectations prior to things getting serious.

That being the case I wonder if you need to sit down and have a chat about your family set up more broadly and what you want from him and find out what he wants from the relationship too.

Maybe he doesn’t see himself as a step parent and is surprised at your reaction and expectations of him.

I'm sorry but if my child wasn't welcome with his family then no way would his family be welcome at MY house. His brother would no longer be staying every weekend.

In fact, I'd want to invite one of them and exclude the rest so I'd want to say "brother's wife is welcome any time but not brother". Let him see how that feels!

I'm sorry, but he doesn't actually sound like much if a catch and I'd be booting his arse out of MY house if I was in your position. Kids come first...

This man isn't good enough for you...or your kids!

I think he's a proper wanker. Taking on a blended family means being dad/stepdad to all.

Did he take a blended family on though or did he just unintentionally knock up the woman he was seeing and has gone with the flow?

Your DC will grow up screwed up by being outcasts in the family. Get out now before it gets worse.

Well they're not his kids are they? Just let him get on with it and you can do a family holiday another time with just you 5?

Absolutely not, your dp is a cock! I would not have had a child with him, but you live and learn! Myself and dh have a child each and one between us- all 3 children are treated equally! No child is excluded from family trips or treated any different by both sets of grandparents, because simply we, as their parents would not allow this! Blended families are incredibly difficult to manage, but it is possible if everyone involved is sensitive to the situation! Good luck, and I really hope it works out for you all 💐

He's clearly demonstrating how he feels about your children. He's also very clearly taking you how things are.

I don't necessarily think he should take all the children HOWEVER I would not be marrying him. I would end the relationship.

He's been quite honest with you - he doesn't see this children as his. He won't in the future either.

The choice is or stay knowing this or to finish it.

So you're saying he promised to look after you and your two children and everything was great.

You then gave birth to his biological child and it all changed. for the worse ?

He obviously had no idea how his feelings would change once he had a biological child.

I'd assume his family are part of his behaviour change and egging him on.

OP you sound like a wonderful mum and I’m sorry you’ve been through so much. He has ‘othered’ your children and is using your 5 year old as the excuse, which he thinks is valid because his family are reinforcing that it is. I’m all for people being able to lift themselves up from the environment that they were thrust into at birth, but here it sounds as though he really doesn’t have the inclination to. To ‘other’ someone, or a group of people when you have had the privilege to live with them, get to know them and to have the opportunity to love them, really is reprehensible (not that it ever isn’t!). It’s something which you are rightfully hurt by, and which I think deep down you know you wouldn’t want either of your sons to think is ok. Having said all of that, I really am sorry, and wishing you all the best with what comes next.

I agree, he's shown who he truly is.

To clarify, I never asked him to take all the kids alone, nor would I expect him to. He told me I could come if I arrange childcare for my 6&5yo. Or even just my 5yo, then me and 6yo could come, because he is 'easy'.

I also never thought he would actually take my 6yo without me, even though they are close. My only reason for suggesting this in the first place is I had my doubts over the real reason he didn't want us all to go with - be it that he doesn't see my two older children as his, if it really was about the fact my 5yo is autistic, if it was his families influence or if he just didn't want me there in general.

Had he treated this situation more sensitively and with some care for my feelings and compassion for the children he's choosing to leave out, then perhaps I would have forgiven (but not forgotten) and we could have found common ground. But the way he has behaved (not just during this situation, but over the past 4 months) and explained how he really feels about the kids I thought he loved, has made it easier for me to make a decision, and I have to put my children first.

And that should be your answer what he thinks about you as a partner and what he thinks about your children. It is heartless attitude that he has. Especially that you said that his brother is over every weekend. It is easy to say but you need to get out. This will have massive impact on your children, they will always feel as inadequate and inferior to others. That will stay with them forever.

Just to add to previous post my ex h sounds exactly like your dp and his family! I only had one child with ex h but please just leave, you’ll never win with these kind of people! Kind people will take on all of your family no matter what! My dp and my pil’s have taken on gc’s as their own without question, they belong to us so it is not a question to them! I realise we are very lucky, but we would walk away from any family members that didn’t agree with us (we have by the way- extended family)

Oh. I'm really sorry this has been a wake up call for you.
This man doesn't want your family. Just you and the child you made together.
Work out how to leave him. You need to protect your older children.

Op tell partner to pack up and leave, he’s not a nice guy also doesn’t sound like he even wants to be with you and the fact he lets his brother doss at YOUR house all weekend instead of actually spending time with you and the kids speaks volumes he doesn’t give a shit and I’m pretty sure once he’s out he won’t bother with your shared kid either as it will ruin his plans or something else, I also think he’s tampered with the condoms to trap you so he has somewhere to stay permanently, get rid of him your better off

I think you have made the right decision @lucyloooooo despite understanding him and his family wanting to prioritise the youngest.
His attitude has changed quickly, he's selfish and quite frankly, abit shit.
I also don't like the fact that you are made to accommodate his family but they couldn't care less about you and yours. First things first, stop putting his brother up. It's YOUR house. Remember that. Funny how they aren't very nice to you and treat you like you are beneath them, yet you are housing and essentially supporting him.
I also wouldn't say a word to him about seperating until they returned from the holiday just to be on the safe side. If he asks why his brother isn't welcome anymore just say you understand his and his families position but it works both ways. That's it.
It is not your fault. You met, moved in and got pregnant to someone you didn't know after an abusive marriage, you were vulnerable. What was his living situation when you met out of interest? You won't be the first or the last, what matters is doing what's right, now.

@lucyloooooo you say your previous partner was abusive and your current partner is showing some red flags for me. Please take a good look at this relationship and check you are not heading towards a similar situation here. It may be worth looking at the Freedom program. I hope you and your children are OK.

I’d pack up his stuff while he’s away, and when he hands son back after his holiday I’d hand him boxes of his things. Get out of this one @lucyloooooo … He shouldn’t have dated you if he did not want to take on children as his own!

Please use the same judgement for the next partner

I think you need to reevaluate your relationship OP. Why is he not paying half of the bills and why does his brother stay every weekend. How can you all spend quality time as a family with his brother there all weekend. These are times when you should be able to go on days out as a family.
you deserve better as do your children.